Goon Show Script

The Man Who Tried To Destroy London's Monuments

Series 4, Episode 2

First broadcast on October 9, 1953. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens. Produced by Peter Eton. Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Musical interludes by Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. Transcribed by David Saltmer. Corrections by thegoonshow.net.



TIMOTHY:
[First part missing] we present Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan in

SECOMBE:
The Goon Show

ORCHESTRA:
[Goon Show Theme]

FX:
[Fast knocking on door]

MORIARTY:
Ah, Secombe, there you are.

SECOMBE:
What do you want?

[Part missing, 2 -3 seconds]

SECOMBE:
I'm not interested I'm too busy.

MORIARTY:
Too busy? Too busy? Sapristi. You English are all the same.

SECOMBE:
Oh no we're not.

MORIARTY:
How do you differ?

SECOMBE:
Some of us are women.

MORIARTY:
Ah, women women, that's what I came to see you about.

SECOMBE:
I'm sorry I haven't any spares.

MORIARTY:
Silencio! Today Miss Gingold is starting a week's holiday in Brighton.

SECOMBE:
I'm not interested.

MORIARTY:
She's a millionaires.

SECOMBE:
I'm interested.

MORIARTY:
Good. It is known that she has a weakness for lifeguards.

SECOMBE:
And?

MORIARTY:
If perchance you were to rescue her from drowning, well, she has money and she likes men.

SECOMBE:
But Moriarty I'm married.

MORIARTY:
We must not let little things stand in the way!

SECOMBE:
But the little things do stand in the way. I should know I've got twelve and the wife tells me there's another one on the way, and...

MORIARTY:
Yes yes yes yes yes, then the money will come in handy won't it? [sniggers] Now first, this is the plan. You get down to Brighton and there you join the lifeguards.

SECOMBE:
Right I'll catch a train from Victoria, at once!

ORCHESTRA:
[Interlude music, very like Hancock]

SECOMBE:
Ah, here we are, let me see platform three, Brighton Belle.

MATE:
That's right. This way sir. Can I see your ticket sir?

SECOMBE:
Well it's in my back pocket.

MATE:
I shall 'ave ter clip it sir.

SECOMBE:
Aiiiiooowwwoooh! I say! Couldn't you have waited til I got it out?

MATE:
I'm impulsive yer know. They calls me the Eva Bartok of the ticket collectors.

SECOMBE:
Well, here's my ticket.

MATE:
Ah. 'Ere, this is only a platform ticket!

SECOMBE:
Yes, I'm travelling by platform.

MATE:
Oh well that's alright then. For a minute I thought you were tryin' to do the British Railway.

SECOMBE:
I was.

MATE:
I knew yer was, that's why I was 'elping yer.

SECOMBE:
Thank you comrade.

MATE:
Yes well 'urry up she's leaving. Get in the guard's van - that's 'ow most of 'em dodge it yer know isn't it.

SECOMBE:
Thanks. Brighton - here I come!

ORCHESTRA:
[Similar scene change music to last time]

SECOMBE:
Now this is the place, Brighton Lifesavers Association, Chief Life Saver, Peter Sellers.

FX:
[Door knock]

SELLERS:
Come in waterlogged.

FX:
[Door open]

SECOMBE:
Good morning!

SELLERS:
Have it your own way. Sit down.

SECOMBE:
Thank you.

SELLERS:
Now what do you want?

SECOMBE:
I wish to become a life saver.

SELLERS:
Have you ever saved a life?

SECOMBE:
Yes.

SELLERS:
Whose?

SECOMBE:
Mine.

SELLERS:
I see no sense of values.

SECOMBE:
None at all.

SELLERS:
How did you save your life?

SECOMBE:
Simple, I didn't do anything to stop it.

SELLERS:
I can give you some hand grenades to play with.

SECOMBE:
Ha, ha, ha - I see you're a man with a sense of humour!

SELLERS:
Madly gay! Now then shorty, a caution. To become a member of the Brighton Life Guard exclusive club you pay a subscription of one hundred pounds.

SECOMBE:
What do I get for that?

SELLERS:
A receipt.

SECOMBE:
Is that all - a receipt for paying you one hundred pounds?

SELLERS:
Ah, but we give you a receipt for three hundred pounds.

SECOMBE:
So?

SELLERS:
Well, you're saving two hundred pounds.

SECOMBE:
Ohoho well, [laugh] that's better!

[Both laugh together]

SELLERS:
Of course, I knew you'd see it my way. Now then a few particulars. When did you first take an interest in swimming?

SECOMBE:
The day I was christened.

SELLERS:
Why?

SECOMBE:
The vicar dropped me in my ... [fluffed line] in the font. Hence my name 'Harry Splash Oh You Wet My Cassock Secombe'

SELLERS:
Yes. Mr Secombe if you'll pardon me calling you by that disgusting name. Mr Secombe, you interest me.

SECOMBE:
I'm sorry, I'm promised to another.

SELLERS:
Heh heh. You misconstrued my meaning. What I meant was, are you Harry Secombe the famous radio failure?

SECOMBE:
The same.

SELLERS:
Well in that case I offer you the job as Chief Life Saver, at a salary of two pounds per week.

SECOMBE:
Hmmm. Offer me a larger figure.

SELLERS:
Very well, forty shillings.

SECOMBE:
Done.

SELLERS:
Now your duty is to save people from drowning, but first I want you to go down and stand by the sea.

SECOMBE:
Why?

SELLERS:
Well that's where they usually drown you know.

SECOMBE:
Where does Miss Gingold usually swim?

SELLERS:
That strip of sands west of the pier.

SECOMBE:
Thanks. I'll get down there, at once!

ORCHESTRA:
[Same scene change music]

GRAMS:
WAVES AND SEAGULLS

MORIARTY:
Ah, Secombe, you're here at last. Now look, there's Miss Gingold going into the sea now.

SECOMBE:
She's beautiful, in a horrible sort of way.

MORIARTY:
Right, dive in and save her.

SECOMBE:
Here goes!

GRAMS:
[Running followed by large splash]

SECOMBE:
Mo..Moriarty - I've I've [cough] I've I've just remembered something!

MORIARTY:
What is it?

SECOMBE:
If I die, please don't bury me at sea.

MORIARTY:
Why not?

SECOMBE:
I can't swim! 'Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellp!!

ORCHESTRA:
[Musical link]

TIMOTHY:
Presenting Max Geldray.

GELDRAY:
[Musical Interlude]

TIMOTHY:
Ladies and Gentlemen we now present the prize winning Goonitzer play based on a true ficticious story. Listen then to...

SECOMBE:
The man who tried to destroy London's monuments.

ORCHESTRA:
[Musical link - Adventure]

SECOMBE:
Or the man who tried to destroy London's monuments!

ORCHESTRA:
[More adventure]

SECOMBE:
Let us hear the dramatic narrative from the lips of the author, the great poet and tragedian, William J. McGoonigal.

McGOONIGAL
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh! T'was in the year of 1901, and in the month of June, In London a terrible crisis arose, t'was due to a crazy Goon.
This Goon had made some large black bombs, and kept them locked - ayway, until he decided to use them, one early closing day!
And Ooooooooh!

ORCHESTRA:
[Musical link - Dramatic]

FX:
[4 knocks, door opening]

LADDIE:
Oh, good mornin'.

ANTHONY:
Er, Good morning laddie.

LADDIE:
Are you number ten Downing Street?

ANTHONY:
I'm not but the building is.

LADDIE:
Oh are, are you the Prime Minister?

ANTHONY:
Er, no, I'm not laddie.

LADDIE:
Oh, sorry.

ANTHONY:
That's alright. It is a mistake that any idiot could have made. Actually, I'm the Foreign Secretary.

LADDIE:
Oh, ha ha ha ha! You look a bit foreign like. [laugh]

ANTHONY:
My, you delightful old tease you. Now what do you want?

SECOMBE:
Oh aye, it's a telegram for the Prime Minister.

ANTHONY:
Thank you, laddie. Goodbye.

FX:
[Door closes]

PRIME MINISTER:
Who was it, Anthony?

ANTHONY:
This telegram for you sir.

PM:
Let me see.

FX:
[Paper unfolding]

PM:
Good heavens - listen to this. 'Dear Mr gladstone, tonight I will commence to destroy the following ancient London monuments: Nelson's Column, Albert Memorial and Anna Neagle. Finally, I shall blow up Greater London!

ANTHONY:
I say, naughty fellow.

PM:
This is, this is terrible! Look he.. he's spelt my name with a small g!

ANTHONY:
Oh, Mr. Gladstone, if London is blown up at midnight, hadn't we better have some dinner earlier?

PM:
Oh nonsense, nonsense Anthony. This is the work of a practical joker. No man would dare...

GRAMS:
[Explosion. Sound of bomb dropping followed by glass smashing and destruction]

PM:
What was that?

ANTHONY:
Nelson's Column just landed in the garden.

PM:
Then this telegram is no idle threat!

ANTHONY:
You clever fellow, sir. [aside] The man's no fool.

PM:
We must warn the British public. We can't ignore the British public.

ANTHONY:
Why not? We always have.

PM:
Anthony! Jump on this carrier pigeon and take this message to Whitehall.

ANTHONY:
I'll do that little thing.

ORCHESTRA:
[Music link - Light]

McGOONIGAL:
Ooooooooooooh! So the news was rushed to Whitehall, to Bloodnok the chief of the army, for all the politicians trusted him, which was proof that our Government were barmy.
The officers in Whitehall are gentlemon, but when the telegram was read, instead of paying attention, this is what happened instead.

GRAMS:
[Shouts rowdy crowd]

SEAGOON:
[Shouts] Officers, gentlemen please. Please! Please. [quieter] Officers, gentlemen. When you've finished fighting over that Marilyn Monroe postcard we'll continue. [chuckles]

BLOODNOK:
Yes, well I've got the... the best half anyway, if you think about it.

SEAGOON:
Major Bloodnok

BLOODNOK:
Yes?

SEAGOON:
Seriously sir

BLOODNOK:
Yes?

SEAGOON:
Do you realise that this bomb maniac has already blown up Nelson's Column and is now threatening Anna Neagle?

BLOODNOK:
Yes, Captain Seagoon the position is serious. London is in mortal danger.

SEAGOON:
In view of the threatened explosion what action are you taking?

BLOODNOK:
Me? I'm packing!

SEAGOON:
Bloodnok you're a coward!

BLOODNOK:
Seagoon, me a coward? You surprise me!

SEAGOON:
Why?

BLOODNOK:
I didn't know you knew. But fear not lad, the - the public are safe. I've informed the BBC, and they're sending out a special bulletin at nine 'o' clock.

SEAGOON:
It's that now. I'll switch on.

GRAMS:
[Radio tuning, whistle between stations]

TIMOTHY:
And here now is an urgent warning from Whitehall. It is imperative that the instructions we give are executed with all possible speed. This is a matter of life and death. Time is vital. But first here are the football results. Chinese Wanderers two hundred, Arsenal nil.

ORCHESTRA:
[Musical link - Scene change]

McGOONAGAL
Ooooooooooooooooh. And so the evacuation of London began, every man woman and child left by train, and at ten at night not a soul was left...

SECOMBE:
[silly high voice] Yes there was.

McGOONAGAL:
Where were you?

SECOMBE:
Down a drain.

McGOONAGAL:
Meanwhile at Whitehall, ooooooooooooh.

GRAMS:
[People talking and muttering under following]

SEAGOON:
Now gentlemen, now gentlemen this map on the wall shows you how we intend to search for this bomb maniac.

SELLERS (posh):
Yes, yes.

SEAGOON:
You see those little green pins?

SELLERS:
Yes?

SEAGOON:
Well they represent the search parties

SELLERS:
I see.

SEAGOON:
All these little green pins here, here, here and there...

SELLERS:
Yes? Yes?

SEAGOON:
Represent search parties.

SELLERS:
Mmm mm.

SEAGOON:
So in fact whenever you see little green pins stuck in the map, they represent search parties.

SPIKE:
I see.

SEAGOON:
Now, any questions?

BOTTLE:
Yes.

SEAGOON:
Well?

BOTTLE:
What are all those little green pins for?

SEAGOON:
The little green pins represent search parties.

BOTTLE:
Thank you captain. If you never ask questions, you never learn anything I say.

SEAGOON:
Ha ha ha, [clears throat] Now next. Here are photographs of the bomb maniac, so take one each.

SELLERS:
Yes, thank you. Now - I'll have one here.

SPIKE:
[With Sellers] Well thanks very much. Righto.

SEAGOON:
Right. Now, I want you to study the photograph carefully, so that you will recognise this man.

SPIKE:
But Sir, my photograph shows a picture of a pair of old army socks.

BLOODNOK:
And mine shows a lamp post.

PM TYPE VOICE:
Mine shows a coal miner's shovel.

SEAGOON:
Gentlemen this man is a master of disguise! But, don't be put off. Search every house. Now, any questions?

BOTTLE:
Yes. What are those little green pins for?

SEAGOON:
The little green pins represent search parties. I've told you that for the last time, understand? The last time!

BOTTLE:
You sure?

FX:
[Gunshot]

SEAGOON:
Positive!

BOTTLE:
Aaaaaaaaaah! I'm dying, farewell I say, exits to hospital.

SEAGOON:
Good luck! Now gentlemen it's a...

FX:
[Phone rings]

BLOODNOK:
One moment Seagoon, this may be important.

FX:
[Lift receiver]

BLOODNOK:
Hello?

MAN:
Is that Bloodnok?

BLOODNOK:
Er... yes?

MAN:
Major Bloodnok of the third mounted NAAFI?

BLOODNOK:
The very same!

MAN:
Why, you, filthy swine!

BLOODNOK:
What? Who is that speaking?

MAN:
Your Laundry man!

BLOODNOK:
Yes, yes well er... er... carry on Captain Seagoon, search the city! We've only got two hours left, so we'd better fit the Ray Ellington Quartet in right now!

RAY ELLINGTON:
[Musical Interlude - Any Old Iron]

FX:
[Footsteps on stone]

SEAGOON:
Gad lieutenant Sellers, how ghostly London looks without anybody in it.

SELLERS:
Yes. Trouble is there's no sign of this bomb maniac yet.

SEAGOON:
Er.. no and it's just gone 11 'o' clock.

SELLERS:
Curses, that means every pub's closed for the night.

SEAGOON:
Shh, there's a light in that window.

SELLERS:
But I never drink light.

SEAGOON:
Fool. Yes, there's somebody in. We must evacuate them at once.

SELLERS:
Right sir. I'll knock.

SEAGOON:
Lieutenant, I'll knock, I'm senior to you.

SELLERS:
Sorry sir.

SEAGOON:
Remember, I'm a guards officer.

SELLERS:
Yes sir!

SEAGOON:
Now lift me up to the knocker!

SELLERS:
Right! HUP! Knock away, sir!

FX:
[Knock on large door - persistent over next lines]

MINNIE:
[In distance] Henry! Henry! Henry!

HENRY:
Yaagh, naaagh mn...

MINNIE:
Henry.

HENRY:
Naagh...

MINNIE:
Henry Crun. Can you hear me?

HENRY:
Naagh naaagh...

MINNIE:
Henry! Henry Crun.

HENRY:
Yes, er... Minnie. Are you calling?

MINNIE:
Yes I am.

HENRY:
Yes. What do you want?

MINNIE:
Yes. There's someone knocking at the door.

HENRY:
What, what, I... I can't hear a word!

MINNIE:
[Louder, more agitated] I said there's someone knocking at the doooor!

HENRY:
Minnie?

MINNIE:
[Near hysterics] Whaaat?

HENRY:
I can't hear what you're saying.

MINNIE:
There's somebody knocking at the dooooor! Dooooor!

HENRY:
It's no good I... I can't hear what she's saying. Just a moment Minnie, just a moment.

FX:
[Door opens]

SEAGOON:
Oh, good evening sir, we're sorry but we...

HENRY:
[Interrupts] Yeah, well, could you stop knocking a moment, only I can't hear what Miss Bannister is trying to tell me.

FX:
[Door slam]

HENRY:
Heh! I wonder what they wanted? [shouts] Minnie?

MINNIE:
Yes Henry?

HENRY:
What was it you were saying?

MINNIE:
[Calmer] I said, there's somebody knocking at the dooor

HENRY:
No, no there isn't.

MINNIE:
Well, er... there was.

HENRY:
Yes I know, but I stopped them.

MINNIE:
What for?

HENRY:
Because I couldn't hear what you were saying.

MINNIE:
Henry, it's alright for them to start knocking again now.

HENRY:
Yes, III'll tell them. Goodnight Minnie.

MINNIE:
Goodnight Henry.

FX:
[Door opening]

SEAGOON:
Ah, good, you're back sir. Now we've come abou...

HENRY:
[Interrupts] Yes. It's alright for you to start knocking again. Goodnight.

FX:
[Door shuts. Knocking restarts and continues over next dialogue]

MINNIE:
Henry!

HENRY:
What? What is it this time Minnie?

MINNIE:
There's someone knocking at the doooor!

HENRY:
Speak up Minnie I can't hear you!

MINNIE:
Ooooooooh! He's at the dooor!

HENRY:
Fiddle, Fiddle Fiddle! I can't hear a confounded word! Just a minute!

FX:
[Door opens]

SEAGOON:
Now look here sir! We....

HENRY:
[Interrupts] Was that you knocking again?

SEAGOON:
Yes! You....

HENRY:
Well I've answered the door once to you already!

SEAGOON:
But sir you don't understand.

HENRY:
Could you, could you stop knocking again 'cos my aunt Bannister wishes to have words with me?

SEAGOON:
Oh, well, well still I haven't got all night.

HENRY:
Minnie?

MINNIE:
Yeees.

HENRY:
He says that he hasn't got all night.

MINNIE:
Who hasn't?

HENRY:
What is your name, sir?

SEAGOON:
Captain Seagoon.

HENRY:
A Captain Seagoon.

MINNIE:
I'm sorry I've never heard of him.

HENRY:
She's sorry she's never heard of you.

SEAGOON:
Listen, man alive this is vital!

MINNIE:
[Over Seagoon] Goodnight Henry.

SEAGOON:
[Curt] Goodnight!

MINNIE:
Goodnight.

SEAGOON:
Listen.. This is vital. In an hour's time London will be blown sky high. Why weren't you two evacuated with the rest of the people?

HENRY:
They said that we wouldn't last the journey.

SEAGOON:
Nonsense, they have ice boxes.

HENRY:
But tell me how is London going to be blown up?

SEAGOON:
There's a huge bomb hidden somewhere and we can't find it.

HENRY:
Oooh then I can help you there, you see I'm a bomb diviner. I just hold a little twig in my hand and when it quivers, I know where the bomb is hidden.

SEAGOON:
Then... then you can save London?

HENRY:
If I have my special little twig.

SEAGOON:
Well, where is it?

HENRY:
I've lent it to the Imperial War Museum for their exhibition of unusual items, such as money.

SEAGOON:
The Imperial War Museum? We must hurry! We've only got 40 minutes.

ORCHESTRA:
[Musical link - Tense]

McGOONAGAL:
Oooooooooooooooooooh! And so to the Imperial War Museum they ran, they were stopped at the gates by a sentry man, but the sound of his voice was not normal I fear, for as Seagroon drew close, this is all he could hear...

ECCLES:
Yumpadumpadumpadump. Way dumpdump

HENRY:
Aha! That must be the sentry there Captain

SEAGOON:
Yes, he sounds like a regular. [shouts] Hi there, sentry, let us in!

ECCLES:
Ay? What? Oh, oh, erm erm Halt! Oh ay stop! Who are you? Stop stop stop stop Halt! Stop stop stop stop

SEAGOON:
I've stopped!

ECCLES:
Oh, I haven't stop! Stop! Erm Friend or Foe? Wait til I I think of what's next now, what oh yeah, name the password!

SEAGOON:
The password is Zanzibar.

ECCLES:
Oh is it? Oh I'd better write it down in case I... Now then erm... where's your army identity card?

SEAGOON:
Here now let us in.

ECCLES:
Ar ar ar ap oooh ye ooh ooh ooh ee, first I've got to ask you a few questions. Now are you married?

SEAGOON:
Yes.

ECCLES:
Any children?

SEAGOON:
Thirty eight.

ECCLES:
Do you and your wife get on well?

SEAGOON:
[Cheekily] We have our moments.

ECCLES:
Any er cough any money in the bank?

SEAGOON:
Four pounds. Now look here man are these questions necessary?

ECCLES:
Well erm, well erm, no, no.

SEAGOON:
Then why are you asking them?

ECCLES:
I'm just lonely. Hahem. Well, here's your identity book back, and your very lucky to get it back so soon.

SEAGOON:
Why?

ECCLES:
I can't read. Ahoo.

HENRY:
Hurry man, hurry! I must get into this museum.

ECCLES:
Oh, I don't think we've got a glass case to fit you!

SEAGOON:
Man alive!

ECCLES:
Correction - Man dead.

SEAGOON:
Well, man dead. Don't you realise that in thirty minutes, London will be blown to bits?

ECCLES:
Well yeah, yeah I know it will, yeah.

SEAGOON:
Aren't you worried about it?

ECCLES:
No ahem. Ain't my place ahum.

SEAGOON:
Ooooh, out of my way.

ECCLES:
What? Ooh.

SEAGOON:
C'mon Crun

HENRY:
Yes?

SEAGOON:
In here.

FX:
[Door open]

HENRY:
[Shriek] This is the room. Nah, and this is the little twig in this glass case here.

SEAGOON:
Splendid, I'll open it.

FX:
[Rattle of locked door]

SEAGOON:
Curse. It's locked. I'll break the glass with my fist.

ECCLES:
Oh, oh, no need for that, I got the key.

SEAGOON:
Good.

FX:
[Knock and breaking glass]

ECCLES:
There. That broke it just as easy. Oho!

SEAGOON:
Brilliant!

ECCLES:
Yeah. Brilliant. It it proves the slogan that you're somebody in the modern army today.

SEAGOON:
And what are you?

ECCLES:
I'm somebody in the modern army today.

HENRY:
Aaaah look Captain. The special twig is quivering. And it's pointing towards Westminster.

MINNIE:
[Out of nowhere!] Oooooh!

HENRY:
That means the bomb lies in that direction.

SEAGOON:
Westminster? Quick to the jeep. Eccles you drive.

ECCLES:
Right I drive, okay.

FX:
[STARTER MOTOR SLOWING DOWN]

HENRY:
Steady now.

ECCLES:
Right I'm doin' it.

HENRY:
Steady.

FX:
[Car revving, backfiring, gears grinding]

ECCLES:
Oh, there you go. Uhoh ~~~ Oh.

FX:
[Car horn - old type 'arooga']

SEAGOON:
By heavens, man you're a dangerous driver.

ECCLES:
I know, but it's not bad for the first time! Ha ha.

HENRY:
Good heavens, Captain Seagoon, the twig is pointing towards the houses of parliament.

SEAGOON:
That means the bomb's inside the house. And there's an all night sitting on.

ECCLES:
Oh, he's a chance of getting rid of all of them! Ha ha.

SEAGOON:
Unpatriotic swine. Step on it! We've only got five minutes left!

ECCLES:
Okay.

ORCHESTRA:
[Rushing link ending in descending notes]

McGOONAGAL:
Oooooh ooooh ooooh ooooh [sung to notes of orchestra].[normal ooh] Ooooooooooooh! And when they reached, the houses of parliament, they searched for the bomb in vain, for all they found was a man in a hole

SECOMBE:
[Silly high voice] It was me I was still down the drain!

McGOONAGAL:
Ooooh! And then on the stroke of midnight, by the light of a candle flare, they found the devilish time-bomb

SEAGOON:
Look! It's under the speaker's chair.

FX:
[Slow ticking]

HENRY:
And it's started to tick.

SEAGOON:
That means it's about to explode. Gulp.

ECCLES
Ooop.

HENRY:
Naaa.... explode?

SEAGOON:
Yes.

HENRY:
Did you hear that Eccles?

ECCLES:
[Far, far away, shouting] Yes! I heard it

HENRY:
Don't panic, I know how to neutralise it.

SEAGOON:
Well hurry Crun, it's on the stroke of midnight.

HENRY:
Yes, now don't rush me I know what I'm doing, I just of all, first I remove the hairless thurbiliser,

SEAGOON:
Good man, that's it.

HENRY:
Yes. Now, I just lift up the [straining] four hundred ton thumb screw.

SEAGOON:
Steady. Good work Crun!

FX:
[Metal hitting stone floor]

SEAGOON & HENRY:
[Nervous and straining noises]

HENRY:
Next, comes the quadruck meerhatz blun detonator.

SEAGOON:
You genius, Crun!

HENRY:
Yes I...

FX:
MORE METAL CLANGING

SEAGOON:
[Straining again]

HENRY:
...Must get the words right. Aaah!

SEAGOON:
Yes.

HENRY:
There! It's safe it's safe!

SEAGOON:
Safe! Oh! Alright Eccles, you can come back now! It's safe!!

FX:
[Long explosion]

ORCHESTRA:
[Heavenly harp glissando]

ECCLES:
Oh, oh! Where am I?

ANNOUNCER:
Mrs. Dale's Diary.

ECCLES:
Where?

DOCTOR:
Er... I mean er they er they er.. (scottish accent) I mean yer in hospital, Ah'm the doctor whose attending you.

ECCLES:
Oh.

DOCTOR:
I'm afraid yer'll be on yer back fer three years.

ECCLES:
Why?

DOCTOR:
Ah'm a slow worker.

SEAGOON:
[Dramatic] What, what about me, doctor?

DOCTOR:
Oh, oh you?

ORCHESTRA:
[Fade in hearts and flowers solo violin]

DOCTOR:
Lieutenant Seagoon, yer a brave man. But would yer mind laying doon.

SEAGOON:
What for?

DOCTOR:
You're deed! Well, almost. Anyway, before you go there's a, there's a young patient wants ta speak to yer.

SEAGOON:
Send him in.

DOCTOR:
Aye ah will. This way lad. Here he is, Lieutenant Seagoon.

SEAGOON:
Come closer lad, come closer. Well, lad, you, you want to know something?

BOTTLE:
Yes. What was all them little green pins for?

SEAGOON:
Aaaaaaagh [hysterical laughter]

ORCHESTRA:
[Playout music]

TIMOTHY:
That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike... [fade out]


Notes:

Dame Anna Neagle was a very respected actress, actively making films at the time of this Goon Show.