Goon Show Script

The Goons Hit Wales

Series 6, Special Short Episode

Transcribed by Darius Pranckunas. Corrections by thegoonshow.net


This episode is available on...
Goon Show Compendium 4

[CD Box Set from Amazon]



{First part missing}

SECOMBE:
...the Goons will discuss Wales through the ages.

GRAMS:
First four bars of fast French anthem ending with harp glissando

SECOMBE:
Ten thousand years ago, the great ice age lay upon Wales. Then there came the first human.

ECCLES:
[Very dopily: singing a song]

SECOMBE:
Yes, singing from the very start. Down through the centuries he has sung, to the day we hear the beautiful voice of modern Wales.

ECCLES:
[Very dopily: singing the same song]

SELLERS:
The tribes of Wales warred and fought, until the coming of the tribal chiefs. It was in 3 A.D. that Bloodwind the Celf arose early one morning and walking out of his cave saw the great snowbound landscape. He raised his spear and said:

BLOODWIND (SECOMBE):
Oooh, it's parky out here today, isn't it? Oh, I'm freezing to death by here, you see.

ORCHESTRA:
Harp plays 7 bars of a hymn

ECCLES:
[Very dopily: sings along to hymn]

SECOMBE:
[In the middle of the carol:] Shut up, Eccles!

SELLERS:
A delightful beginning to a sturdy nation. Tell me, are they still singing in Wales?

SECOMBE:
Oh indeed aye…

SELLERS:
Oh dear.

SECOMBE:
There are some never to be forgotten Welsh tunes. Now here's one everybody knows. Music, Osian.

ORCHESTRA:
Harp plays beautiful melody for 12 sec.

GRYTPYPE:
Oh, Mr Seagoon, may I introduce Count Moriarty. He’s come from France to interview you for his paper.

SECOMBE:
Oh, French eh? [Clears throat] And what paper do you represent?

MORIARTY:
This writing paper, here are a few samples…

SECOMBE:
Please! Please! Do you mind? This is no time to come hawking your wares. You’ve interrupted me in the middle of my Welsh-type broadcast!

MORIARTY:
Welsh-type broadcast? [Laughs for a bit] What have you people to complain with your glorious Napoleon Bonaparte?

SECOMBE:
Napoleon Bonaparte? There's a lad in the Rhonda there now. Now look here, there’s a place for you - the Rhonda. There’s where you’ll find the pouch of Wales, but it’s not all easy, boy. There are men there out of work, like Owen Crun out here.

CRUN:
That’s right, Harry. I haven’t worked for three years. It’s pretty tough boy.

SECOMBE:
I can imagine boy.

CRUN:
Ah, it wouldn’t be too bad if I was single, see, but I’ve got a responsibilities.

SECOMBE:
Have you?

CRUN:
A wife, four children; three girls and a boy, Harry.

SECOMBE:
Have you?

CRUN:
I don’t know how we manage to keep going, see.

SECOMBE:
Aye. What's your trade Owen?

CRUN:
I’m a pit head operator.

SECOMBE:
And there’s no work there, eh?

CRUN:
Ooooh, there’s plenty of work there, boy.

SECOMBE:
Then why aren’t you working, Owen?

CRUN:
Just can’t seem to get myself to get up in the morning.

BLUEBOTTLE:
Pardon me, captain…

SECOMBE:
Ah, it’s the young, heavily-pimpled Bluebottle.

BLUEBOTTLE:
Yes, captain. I have a vital stantinstic about your country.

SECOMBE:
Really?

BLUEBOTTLE:
Yes. Do you know that there are more Welsh people in Wales than any other country in the world!

SECOMBE:
Are there indeed?

BLUEBOTTLE:
Yes. Go on, count them.

SECOMBE:
Right. One, two three… four million. Gad, you’re right! Here’s a penny, keep the change. Now remember the name, Mighty Secombe!

BLUEBOTTLE:
Hooooyoooy! Are you called Mighty Secombe?

SECOMBE:
Yes, that’s what my captain called me in the army. Every morning before parade he’d call from his bed, “Where’s my tea Secombe?” Hahaha! Where’s my tea Se… Oh well. [With applause:] Thank you, thank you, Welsh listeners. We’ve got some friends tonight.

SELLERS:
We aren’t that particularly witty people, but we’re loyal, like old William Thomas here.

THOMAS (SECOMBE):
Aye, yes indeed, I’m a Cardiff man myself. Born and bred for seventy-two years. I know Cardiff isn’t a marvellous town. It’s a bit black here and there. And the weather, well it’s – it’s not like the south of France, you see.

GRAMS:
Male choir singing faintly in the background of:

THOMAS:
And we haven’t got all those nightclubs like Paris, but for all that Paris has, if a man were to come to me and say, “William Thomas, which would you rather have; Cardiff or Paris?” I’d be proud to say: Paris any day!

{Recording ends}