Goon Show Script

Emperor of the Universe

Series 7, Episode 14

First broadcast 3rd January 1957. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens, produced by Pat Dixon. Transcribed by the GSPS. Minor tweaks by thegoonshow.net


This episode is available on...
Goon Show Compendium 6

[CD Box Set from Amazon]



Wal:
This is the BBC Home Service. Presenting ...

FX:
Gong

Neddie:
And beautifully preserved, too.

Wal:
Yes, that's because we always keep it under glass.

Neddie:
I see. Mr. Greenslade, I've just noticed. Do you always do your announcing without any clothes on?

Wal:
No, but this is a special occasion. Presenting ...

Neddie:
Oh.

Wal:
Tonight is John Snagge's coming out party.

Minnie:
Ohh!

Wal:
His mother's throwing a ball.

Neddie:
Who's batting?

Wal:
If you must know ... if you must know ...

Neddie:
If you must know.

Wal:
... a fiend Chinaman called ...

FX:
Gong

Wal:
Emperor of the Universe.

Neddie:
I say ... that sounds sinister.

Wal:
Yes. Now, put on this black trilby with a zip front, release these racing vultures, and prepare yourself to take part in Bulldog Seagoon's first case, entitled ...

FX:
Gong

ORCHESTRA:
'Foggy London' theme

GRAMS:
Foghorns, dock sounds, trotting horse approaching on cobblestones

Spike:
(over horse, clucking like a chicken)

FX:
Door opens

Neddie:
Gad, Algy, it's a dark, dank October evening in London.

Algy:
Ah. Yes, Bulldog.

Neddie:
Yuckoo.

Algy:
And the thick fog is swirling against the window panes of your apartment overlooking the River Thames in London, lighting-up time six-forty-flum.

Neddie:
High tide, pleet twill.

Algy:
(gibberish) Ah plum.

Neddie:
Yes, Algernon, and here on the walls of my study at eleventeen Sussex Gardens ...

Algy:
Yes.

Neddie:
Are the fruits of eighty years globe-trotting and rug-making.

Algy:
Yes indeed, Bulldog. And standing there in your Norfolk jacket and drawers, you must be terribly proud of your collection of weapons.

Neddie:
Jove indeed, Algernon. As I draw ...

FX:
Match being struck

Neddie:
... casually on my pipe ... (briefly draws on pipe) ... letting a luxuriant whisp of smoke escape from the bowl ...

Algy:
Really.

Neddie:
I insert a fresh whisp and say, 'Yes, there you see the Ghurka kukri'.

Algy:
Kukri.

Neddie:
It's a cook'ry book! This is the Ghurka assegai.

Algy:
An' assegai who done it.

Neddie:
Up to ... I don't wish to know that Algernoon. Up here on the floor of the Prussian Sabre and there ... there, Algernoon ...

Algry:
(aside) Here, he clenched his lips, and the knuckles show white to the ears on his skin.

Neddie:
Yes, Algernoon, there we have surely the most dreaded weapon of all, the British rolled newspaper.

Algy:
Yes indeed, sir, an awesome sight, Bulldog.

Neddie:
True, Algy, true. These lumps on my head could tell a tale.

Algy:
Then why don't they?

Neddie:
I've sworn them to silence.

Algy:
A well-chosen spoken word.

Neddie:
Needle nardle noo.

Algy:
More ... more devilish brandy, sir?

Neddie:
Just a chota pint.

Algy:
Right. Milk and sugar?

Neddie:
Please. One sugar and two milks. I'm on the water-wagon, you know.

Algy:
I wondered why you looked so tall.

Neddie:
Ye-es. I'm driving. I say ...

Algy:
Yes?

Neddie:
I say, Algernoon, ha ha ... I ... I say, have you ... have you seen this rather interesting item in The Times? 'Government officials are concerned by the alarming decrease in the number of Englishmen per capita'.

Algy:
Good heavens, Bulldog! This is right up your street!

Neddie:
Yes, that's why I live here.

Algy:
Really?

Neddie:
Aha ha ha. Ha ha, well ... yes, well, I ... I ... you know, I wouldn't be surprised at all if even as I speak I received a phone call from the Guv ...

FX:
Phone rings, receiver picked up

Neddie:
Just a moment, I've not done yet!

FX:
Receiver hung up

Neddie:
(quickly) From the Government.

FX:
Phone rings, receiver picked up

Neddie:
There they are now.

FX:
Phone clicks

Neddie:
Hello? This is Spon 3829.

Geraldo:
(on phone) Is that Mingely 0607?

Neddie:
No, This is, er ... (pause)

Geraldo:
(on phone) What is the number?

Neddie:
I've just read it. This is Nurglar oh oh oh oh.

Geraldo:
(on phone) Have you hurt yourself?

Neddie:
Only in the past. Mm.

Geraldo:
(on phone) And the best time to do it, too. I'm speaking for the Foreign Secretary. He's having his teeth repaired.

Neddie:
Really? He should have them lagged, this weather. (ahem)

Geraldo:
(on phone) Listen, Bulldog, it's regarding the missing Englishmen. Can you come over here right away?

Neddie:
Certainly.

FX:
Phone receiver hung up, phone rings, receiver picked up

Neddie:
Hello?

Geraldo:
(on phone) Goodbye.

FX:
Phone receiver hung up

Neddie:
Algy, tell the chauffeur to drive my boots around.

Algy:
Wouldn't plimsolls be faster, sir?

Neddie:
Of course. Hurry!

Algy:
Right.

ORCHESTRA:
'Dick Barton Hurry' link

FX:
Three slow knocks on door

Neddie:
On the Foreign Office door. Just thought I'd let you know where I was, folks. Aha ha ha.

FX:
Door opens

Neddie:
As I entered the Foreign Secretary's office, I became aware of a distinguished white face peering down from the top of an airing cupboard.

Grytpype:
(off) Morning! Sit down.

Neddie:
Sit down! Ah ha ha ha hayah oh. The plot thickens.

Grytpype:
(approaching) Yes. Bulldog, have a bus ticket.

Neddie:
Well, just a tuppenny one.

FX:
Ticket being punched

Neddie:
(sniff) Mm. Mmm. (smacking of lips) Delicious.

Grytpype:
Yes, they're hand-punched, d'you know.

Neddie:
I might have guessed. My father smoked fourpennies, they go further.

Moriarty:
Owwwowwoww.

Harry:
(mimic) Owww.

Moriarty:
Quelle brilliant grasp of la panan owww.

Gryptype:
Keep quiet in there, Moriarty.

Moriarty:
Oww.

Grytpype:
Now Bulldog, you've heard about this mysterious disappearance of Englishmen. In one year, twenty-five million have vanished.

Neddie:
England is short of Englishmen?

Grytpype:
Desperately.

Neddie:
Are Welshmen short too?

Grytpype:
Just look at you!

Neddie:
Duck's disease, the curse of the Seagoons!

Grypype:
Yes, it must be hell down there!

Neddie:
It is!

Grypype:
There, there, there, have ...

Neddie:
(overcome) Ahhhhhh!

Grypype:
... another bus ticket, please.

Neddie:
No, no, no, you have one of mine.

Grytpype:
Oh, thank you. If you don't mind, I'll clip it later.

Neddie:
Of course. Now, this shortage of Englishmen, is it having repercussions?

Grytpype:
Is it?

Neddie:
Yes.

Grytpype:
Do you know what gilt-edged Englishmen are fetching on the Stock Exchange? Fifty pounds a piece.

Neddie:
Who's paying fifty pounds a piece for Englishmen?

Grytpype:
English women. Depending on the piece they're after, of course.

Neddie:
What what what what what what what what what what ?

Spike:
(Chicken clucking)

Neddie:
What? (chicken clucking)

Grytpype:
Please don't do that with your head on. It spoils the view.

Neddie:
How can I help England in its darkest hour?

Grytpype:
Turn on your radio and I'll tell you.

GRAMS:
Radio switched on, oscillations

Grytpype:
(over, distort as on radio) Now, Bulldog, solve this mystery and we'll pay you a fee of two long green things with nails in the end.

Neddie:
At last! A fortune in long green things with nails in the end. I'll commence investigooshuns immonilenity. Goodbye!

GRAMS:
Whoosh

Grytpype:
Alright Moriarty, he's gone. You can come out of that fountain pen now.

Moriarty:
(long groan)

FX:
Pop

Moriarty:
Ah! Right. Grytpype, I nearly drowned in there!

Grytpype:
I'm sorry, Moriarty, I refilled the pen without thinking. Take a message.

Moriarty:
Right.

FX:
Typing

Grytpype:
(over) No no, don't use the typewriter, you might be overheard.

Moriarty:
RIght. I'll use a saw. Then no-one will saw it except me.

Grytpype:
It's bad English, but a good excuse.

Moriarty:
Thank you.

Grytpype:
Now, saw out this address and don't fret. It's um ...

Spike:
(off) Triumph of writing, folks.

Grytpype:
S ... quelle sparklling dialogue, Moriarty. Address it to Mr., er ...

FX:
Gong

Grytpype:
... Emperor of the Universe.

FX:
Sawing wood

Grytpype:
(over) Disappearing Englishmen causing Government to be suspicious.

Moriarty:
(over sawing) Not too fast, not too fast.

Grytpype:
(over sawing) Have succeeded in putting a right charlie on the job. Assure you he is too stupid to discover anything. Signed, Grypype-Thynne, acting Foreign Secretary.

Moriarty:
How do you spell that?

Grytpype:
Er ... give me that saw.

FX:
Sawing

Grypype:
(over) G-R-Y-T-P-Y-P-E T-H-Y-N-N-E. P.S. Find enclosed one Max Geldray.

Moriarty:
Ah yes, get on ...

MUSIC:
MAX GELDRAY plays 'Exactly Like You'

Neddie:
Silence, please!

Max:
Hi!

Neddie (fight announcer):
Ladies ...

Minnie:
Ohh!

Neddie (fight announcer):
... and gentlemen. (normal) I have just been told of an incident which may give us an important clue to the missing Englishmen. Odium?

Odium:
Yah. (gibberish)

Neddie:
Start up the car.

Odium:
(gibberish) (impression of car starting up, changing gears, motoring along. Fades into distance)

Neddie:
I don't know where he gets the petrol from. After him!

GRAMS:
Many boots running away ... fades

Spike:
(pause, then impression of car approaching, screech of brakes, stops)

Neddie:
Ah. This looks like the place in the script.

FX:
Knocking on door, door opens

Henry:
Ah, come in Mr. Seagoon.

Minnie:
Come in, Seagoon.

Neddie:
Now, what's gone wrong?

Henry:
It's our Irish cook, Ray Ellington. He's off colour, you know.

Neddie:
Really, that's unusual for him.

Henry:
(calls) Ellington?

Ray:
(approaching, mutters Chinese-sounding gibberish)

Neddie:
Little shirts of linen! He's turned into a fiendish Chinese! When did this happen?

Ray:
(Chinese) After bleakfast. Chop chop.

Neddie:
Breakfast, chop chop? What did you eat?

Ray:
(Chinese) Imported Chinese egg.

Neddie:
Which way did it go?

Ray:
(Chinese) Downwards.

Neddie:
Quick! After it!

Spike:
(Impression of speeding car)

Henry:
(over) Stop, there's no need to ...

Spike:
(impression car screeches to a stop)

Henry:
... no need to, I've got a duplicate Chinese egg here, under this piano leg.

Neddie:
Professer Jampton, put that egg under the eggsray.

Jampton:
Right sir, I'll just take its hat off first. Now.

FX:
Click, buzzing

Jampton:
(over buzzing) Jove, look what's inside the egg! A white and a yolk!

Neddie:
Only the Chinese could have thought of anything as devilish as this.

Jampton:
But observe sir, what's in the centre.

Neddie:
(long groan) It looks like a small stick of yellow greasepaint.

Jampton:
And a false pigtail.

Neddie:
You ... you mean, if ... if ... if ... if .... (sneezes) achoo! If an Englishman were un-er-wittedly to swallow that greasepaint and pigtail, he'd ... turn into a Chinese?

Jampton:
Indubitably, sir.

Neddie:
Don't mess about, yes or no?

Jampton:
Yes.

Neddie:
What's this stamped on the shell? 'Chinese Egg Refinery, Proprietors ...

FX:
Gong

Neddie:
... and Sons! Mm, we've no time to waste. Take the next tram out to China!

Spike:
(Chinese) Al-light then.

GRAMS:
Tram bell, tram moves off, gains speed, fades ...

ORCHESTRA:
Brief sea-travel link

GRAMS:
Waves against side of boat

Neddie:
(over) Do the old chat, Wal.

Wal:
We present ...

FX:
Gong

Wal:
... Part Two. If listeners who can afford it will hire launches, they will be able to draw alongside the police tram as it sails slowly through the China Sea to Peking. I will leave the BBC microphone on board the tram ...

Spike:
(off) Well done there.

Wal:
... so that you may hear those little witticisms that sailors are wont to utter.

GRAMS:
Waves, then fade under ...

Bluebottle:
(over) You ever been in a tram at sea before, Eccles?

Eccles:
Um ... no. No, but ... no, but I ... I've bee ... I've been on a trolley-bus up the Edgware Road.

Bluebottle:
Oh, dat is a naughty road.

Eccles:
Yeah, and it was nearly mmmmidnight.

Bluebottle:
Cor! You're a second Geraldo, you are.

Eccles:
An ... and ... and do you know, da bus conductor ... was a woman!

Bluebottle:
(ecstatic) Ayiohhh! My knees are goin' up and down! Wippy woppy wippy! Ahheehee! What did you say to her, Eccles?

Eccles:
I ... I ... I ... I said, um ...

Bluebottle:
Yes?

Eccles:
Oh no, you're too young, you're too young!

Bluebottle:
No, no, come on Eccles, I'm older since you said dat.

Eccles:
Oh, alright den. Yeah, but don't ... don't tell anybody dis, will you.

Bluebottle:
No.

Eccles:
I wa ... I ... I went up to her, and I said, 'A two-and-a-half to Kilburn, please'.

Bluebottle:
(deflated) I do not t'ink much o' dat, Eccles.

Eccles:
Ah, but it was da way I said it! I said it like dis ...

ORCHESTRA:
Harp flourish

Eccles:
(dreamy) 'Ello, Miss. Two and a half ... to Kilburn.

Bluebottle:
Ohh. You've lived a life of sin, you have. Oh, you ... oh.

Eccles:
Oh. 'Ere, you ... you ... you ever been on a bus with a woman conductor?

Bluebottle:
Yes ...

Eccles:
Oh.

Bluebottle:
... I have.

Eccles:
Ohh. Wippy.

Bluebottle:
Wippy, woppy, woopee!

Eccles:
My knees are goin' now.

Bluebottle:
Here ...

Eccles:
Did you talk to her?

Bluebottle:
No I did not, because I was in a brown paper parcel under da stairs.

Eccles:
Oh? Why?

Bluebottle:
My Scottish uncle was takin' me for a bus ride.

Eccles:
Ohh.

Neddie:
Alright, you two, that's your spot over. Settle down. Now, we're coming into Shanghai harbour.

Bluebottle:
Oh, I'll put my hat on den.

Eccles:
I ... I put mine on.

Neddie:
Stop the tram, drop anchor and change the seat round facing the other way. All ashore! And keep your eyes open for a man called ...

FX:
Gong

ORCHESTRA:
Short Chinese version of 'Limehouse Blues'

Neddie:
It'll never get on the hit parade.

Bluebottle:
No ad-libbing there, captain.

Neddie:
Needle, nardle noo.

Bluebottle:
I thought dat someone else was goin' to say a line den.

Neddie:
Silung, gerblunden, or I'll cancel your subscription to 'The Sunbathing Weekly'.

Bluebottle:
Oh, what pain! Just when I'd entered the 'Beautiful Britain' snapshot contest.

Neddie:
Now, I wonder where ...

FX:
Gong

Neddie:
... and his Chinese Eggery are?

Bluebottle:
I have got a Boy Scout street map o' Shanghai in da linin' o' my woggle.

Eccles:
Ohh!

Neddie:
Let's see.

FX:
Paper unfolding

Neddie:
Ohh, yes. Now, we're in this street here.

Bluebottle:
(indignant) We know dat!

Neddie:
No, if we go up this street here and ahh ...there's the Egg Refinery there.

Eccles:
Right, I'll knock.

FX:
Knocking on door, door opens

Spike (Chinese):
(Chinese-sounding gibberish) We are ... yes ... yes, please?

Neddie:
Are you Mr. ...

FX:
Gong

Spike (Chinese):
No, I am not Mr. ...

FX:
Gong

Spike (Chinese):
... I am ...

FX:
Higher-pitched gong

Spike (Chinese):
... son of ...

FX:
Previous, ordinary gong

Neddie:
Oh.

Spike (Chinese):
Ah.

Neddie:
We've got a complaint about your father's eggs.

Spike (Chinese):
(Chinese-sounding gibberish)

Neddie:
You see this Chinaman here?

Spike (Chinese):
Mm.

Neddie:
He's really Ray Ellington.

Spike (Chinese):
No Chinaman can have name like Ray Ellington. I do not believe.

Neddie:
Ellington, prove it ... while we nip round the back for a chota pint of brandy.

Ray (Chinese):
Al-light, cor blimey.

Spike (Chinese):
(Chinese-sounding gibberish)

MUSIC:
RAY ELLINGTON sings 'Boom'

Neddie:
There you are, living proof that he's Chinese.

Spike (Chinese):
(Chinese-sounding gibberish) Yes indeed, he lar ... he are Chinese. And now, please, to follow me, please.

GRAMS:
A few pairs of footsteps on pavement for 29 seconds

Spike (Chinese):
(Chinese-sounding gibberish for first few seconds over footsteps)

Neddie:
(After footsteps stop, pause) We can't stand here all day, listenin' to a record of footsteps.

Spike (Chinese):
Please, please, sir, that record ... are number one on Chinese hit parade.

Neddie:
Really?

Spike (Chinese):
Yeah.

Neddie:
How does it go?

Spike (Chinese):
(sings Chinese-sounding gibberish for 10 seconds, then sings) 'I Got My Love to Keep Me Warm'.

Neddie:
You want to get it orchestrated.

Spike (Chinese):
I tell you, you come in here, blad egg department in here, please.

Neddie:
(mimic) L'en lopen lup la dloor.

FX:
Door opens

Spike (Chinese):
(Chinese-sounding gibberish)

ORCHESTRA:
Bloodnok theme with Chinese ending

Bloodnok:
0hhhohhohho. Ahohhohh. Oh, that's better, but these fiendish Chinese eggs ... some of them are bad, I'll be bound.

Neddie:
Major Bloodnok!

Bloodnok:
What? Me Major Bloodnok? It's a mistake, I'm Lie Ying.

Neddie:
Of course you're lying, Major Bloodnok.

Bloodnok:
What?

Neddie:
I recognise that army-surplus pigtail.

Bloodnok:
Ohhhohhohh!

Neddie:
So this is where they insert the yellow greasepaint and the pigtails into the eggs, eh?

Bloodnok:
It's hell, I tell you Neddie, it's hell.

Neddie:
D'you realise that Englishmen are eating these eggs and turning into Chinese? Whatever made you do this dastardly job?

Bloodnok:
Pain and agony, Neddie. Do you know what they did to me, an Englishman?

Neddie:
What?

Bloodnok:
The Chinese water torture.

Neddie:
What's that?

Bloodnok:
They gave me a bath!

Neddie:
Oh! Gad, it must have been hell in there!

Bloodnok:
It was. But I resisted, Neddie, I resisted. They had to cut my socks away before they got me in.

Neddie:
The inhuman devils! Here, rub this good old British dirt round your neck - you'll feel better.

FX:
Scraping

Bloodnok:
(over) Ohho, thank you. That's lovely, ohhh. Ohhhohhhohh.

Neddie:
Now, what's inside that door?

Bloodnok:
Wood.

Neddie:
And behind it?

Bloodnok:
A room.

Neddie:
Gad! Is there no end to their fiendish ingenuity. Like Ted Ray ...

Spike:
(off) Ahh.

Neddie:
... Let's go in.

FX:
Door opens

ORCHESTRA & CAST:
Chinese-sounding gibberish from crowd

Neddie:
(over) Dear listeners ...

ORCHESTRA & CAST:
Chatter stops

Neddie:
... dear listeners ... dear listeners ... I walked into a badly-lit room. And there before us were twenty-five million Chinese in bowler hats, carrying rolled umbrellas and copies of The Times.

Bloodnok:
Yes. Those are your missing Englishmen, Neddie.

Neddie:
Gad, this must be the work of ...

FX:
Gong

Neddie:
... and his son ...

FX:
Smaller, higher-sounding gong. Door closes

Bloodnok:
Ohhhohhohh. We're locked in.

ORCHESTRA:
Terror chords

GRAMS:
Water trickling

Bloodnok:
(over) Ohhh no, they're flooding the room as well, Neddie.

Neddie:
And with water.

Bloodnok:
Yes.

Neddie:
(calls) Eccles! Bluebottle!

Eccles:
Yep.

Neddie:
Swim ...

Bluebottle:
Right.

Neddie:
... for the ceiling!

Eccles:
OK, yeah.

Neddie:
(effort) Oo!

GRAMS:
Movement in water, held under following ...

Eccles:
(effort) Here!

Bluebottle:
(effort) Ah.

Neddie:
(effort) Ah. Rhubarb. Struggling, rhubarb.

Eccles:
(effort) Ooh! Ahh! (mumbles)

Neddie:
(effort) Ooh! Ooh! Ah!

Eccles:
(effort) Yeah.

Bloodnok:
It's no good, look here, it ... it's almost up to the roof.

Neddie:
Men, there's only one thing for it.

Eccles:
What?

Neddie:
We've got to drink this water, or drown.

Eccles:
OK.

Neddie:
Here we go.

Bluebottle:
Alright den.

Omnes:
(slurping)

Bluebottle:
Sip! Sip!

Omnes:
(slurping)

Bluebottle:
Oh.

Eccles:
Mm.

Neddie:
Bmmm.

Bloodnok:
Oh, oh. Weak. Oh.

Neddie:
Ooh. Stretch it, lads. Ooh!

Bluebottle:
Ah.

Eccles:
Oh, I ... can't take much more, I tell you.

Neddie:
Hm.

Bluebottle:
Si ... si ... si ... sip!

Bloodnok:
Oh.

GRAMS:
Water lapping

Bloodnok:
(over) We've drunk about eight gallons and the water's still rising.

Neddie:
One of us must be leaking.

Eccles:
Ah. It ... it's me. I got a hole in my sock.

Neddie:
Oh.

Bloodnok:
Look! There's a hole in the ceiling.

Eccles:
That's not mine!

Neddie:
Splendid. Let's turn the room upside down and empty it.

Eccles:
Oh, good idea!

Omnes:
(effort)

GRAMS:
Gurgling, as water drains

Eccles:
Ohh.

Bluebottle:
Wicky wicky wicky!

Neddie:
Ahhah.

GRAMS:
Water stops

Neddie:
Saved by a hole in the ceiling.

FX:
Door opens

Neddie:
(voice lowered) Sshh! Look who's come in! It's Grytpype and Moriarty.

Bloodnok:
Where?

Neddie:
Up there, on the floor.

Grytpype:
(off) What are you doing up there on the ceiling?

Neddie:
I've got news for you, Mr. Thynne. This room's upside down.

Moriarty:
(off) Sapristi!

Grytpype:
(off) What?

Moriarty:
(off) You mean we're ...

Grytpype & Moriarty:
(coming on-mic.) Ahhhhhh!

FX:
Two bodies falling to the floor

Moriarty:
Oww!

Grytpype:
Ohh!

Moriarty:
Oh, my splon!

Grytpype:
Ohh. Curse this law of gravity! Who passed it?

Neddie:
Sir Isaac Newton.

Gryptpype:
I'll get him for this! I'll have you know, Neddie, that I am ...

FX:
Gong

Neddie:
How do you spell it?

Grypype:
You spell it ...

ORCHESTRA:
Sequence on drums, temple blocks and bells, ending with cod duck call

Grytpype:
But it's pronounced ...

FX:
Gong

Neddie:
Ah! So you were ...

FX:
Gong

Neddie:
... all the time.

Bloodnok:
Quick, Neddie, tie him to the chandelier while I keep him covered with these measurements of Sabrina.

Eccles:
Sabrina!

Bloodnok:
Yes.

Neddie:
Yes. And take them to the police!

ORCHESTRA:
Tattyrah chord, cymbal snap

Neddie:
Thank you. That's all, thank you for that all, thank you ...

Wal:
Oh. Oh.

Peter:
Alright.

Wal:
Just ... just ...

Neddie:
Get your trousers on ... (mumbles)

Wal:
Mr. Secombe ...

Bluebottle:
What about da money?

Wal:
Mr. Secombe ...

Eccles:
OK, let ... let's hear 'im, let's ... let's hear 'im, 'e ...

Neddie:
Alright, alright.

Eccles:
... didn't have much of a part, he didn't ...

Neddie:
Come on, Wal, let's have it then.

Wal:
Mr. Secombe, you haven't told us what became of ...

FX:
Gong

Neddie:
Ah, simple. I Successfully changed all the Chinese back into Englishmen by giving them injections of Brown Windsor Soup, and inhalations of soot, smoke and beans on toast.

Eccles:
But what happened to ...

FX:
Gong

Neddie:
We ... him?

Eccles:
Yeah.

Neddie:
Oh, he's working for me at the moment. Come up to our house for dinner any day, and you'll hear this sound.

FX:
Tapping on gong

Peter:
(over) Dinner is served.

ORCHESTRA:
Signature tune, 'Lucky Strike'

Wal:
That was The Goon Show, a BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens. Announcer:
Wallace Greenslade. The program produced by Pat Dixon.

Bluebottle:
(joins Wal in reading the credits from 'Quartet' onwards)

Eccles & Bluebottle:
(Sing along after the announcement, to 'Luck Strike', as follows: 'Dup a duppa dai' etc. ad lib)

ORCHESTRA & MAX GELDRAY:
Playout