Goon Show Script

Spon

Series 8, Episode 1

First broadcast 30th September 1957. Script by by Spike Milligan, produced by Charles Chilton. Transcribed by Darius Pranckunas. Guest Starring Dick Emery as a stand in for Harry Secombe.


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Greenslade:
This is the BBC Light Programme

Fx:
Saw sawing through wood. Man clears throat [repeated 4 times]

Greenslade:
Yes you’re perfectly right, it’s the new all leather Goon Show

Grams:
Piano playing in C Major, sped up to C# Major, slowed down

Greenslade:
That was a chord in C by Johann Sebastian Bach, arranged Dorris Arnold. As an encore, Arthur Rubinstein will play Mendelssohn’s Sonata in F in the key of G

Grams:
Piano playing Mendelssohn’s Sonata

Sellers:
Go on Arthur, play it there boy

Emery:
Lovely player isn’t he? Go on Arthur the old left hand there, go on boy

Milligan:
We’re just in the mood Arthur go on

Emery:
Lovely isn’t it?

Milligan:
Go on Arthur, blow it out. Get some of the old beer down here

Grams:
Mendelssohn’s Sonata speeds up and stops

Greenslade:
Oh please, please, gentlemen, gentlemen, please! The BBC would rather you forget the vicissitudes of the summer layoff and refer to the new collodion on leather process Goon Show

Emery:
Well, if this is what England wants we present the drama of a time when England was under the yoking aldreman of a certain brown terror

Orchestra:
Dramatic chords

Fx:
Door opens

Sellers:
Spon!

Fx:
Door closes

Emery:
Did you hear that dear listeners?

Grams:
Sheep

Emery:
Remember it, Spon!

Greenslade:
Spon, first came to England that fateful new years dawn in Greek Street. It was three in the morning and two in the afternoon making a grand total of five in the evening

Fx:
Group of tired people at a party

Emery-type-Seagoon:
Good evening Constable

William:
Oh evening Inspector, happy new-type year

Emery:
Happy new year, with the conservatives in?

William:
Oh, I’ll tell ‘em to move on, come on now move along there

Singhiz:
Pardon me, pardon me European-type Constable of London. We’ve just found a British-type body in the gutter

William:
Nobody claims it in three days it’s yours

Emery:
Just a moment, just a moment I’ll take charge here. Just a moment, hold these wardrobes and let’s examine this unearthed form

William:
He looks like a man sir

Emery:
Right, take this down. Contents of pockets; a wallet, empty

William:
Nationality’s English

Emery:
Wearing a very expensive suit. [Pause] How’s that?

William:
Fits you lovely, I’ll have his boots

Emery:
Bad Constable, I’m seria

Singhiz:
Wait a minute, what about this body in the gutter?

Emery:
We’re coming to him, we’re coming to him I tell you! Shine your torch on him

William:
Right, click. Stroofy-manio, look, he’s been sponned!

Emery:
Sponned?

Singhiz:
Shponned man?

Emery:
Let me see. You’re right, he bears the marks of a severe sponning. Constable, this is a job for the police

William:
Oh yes, I’ll blow 9-9-9 on me whistle

Fx:
Puffer whistle blows short 13 times. Dramatic music

Greenslade:
The news of the sponning was in every morning paper

Fx:
Newspaper rattling. Teapot on saucer. Teaspoon on saucer

Minnie:
Ooh

Fx:
Teaspoon on floor

Minnie:
Ooh

Fx:
Teapot. Newspaper

Minnie and Crun:
Ooh

Fx:
Teapot. Teaspoon on floor

Minnie:
O ho ho ho

Fx:
Teaspoon on floor then sacer. Teapot. Cup on saucer

Minnie:
Come on boy, time for your supper. Sit up, sit up, sit up. Put this sausage on your nose. There, that’s a clever boy

Crun:
Minnie

Minnie:
What?

Crun:
I’m fed up having my breakfast like this

Minnie:
Sit down boy

Fx:
Rattling newspaper

Crun:
Min

Minnie:
What is it Henry?

Crun:
I see that a man was sponed last night

Minnie:
Spon, ooh spon, we’ll all be sponned in our beds, oh dear. Horrors of spon. Your grandmother had it in the Crimean War, ooh spon

Crun:
Don’t worry Min; I’ll put some sulphur under the bed

Minnie:
Oh the power

Crun:
And then we’d better rub some thin peoples’ herbs into our legs, Min

Minnie:
Yes yes, and we’d better take a sponful of Indian brandy as an added precaution

Fx:
Door blasts open

Minnie and Crun:
Aieough

Grams:
Galloping horse approaching

Emery:
Whoa, is this your house?

Crun:
Yes, the receipt

Minnie:
Did the horse wipe its feet?

Emery:
No need to, he came on another horse. Now, last night a man was sponned, not far from here

Crun:
We are non-spon people

Minnie:
Non-spon people!

Crun:
We are respectable people

Minnie:
Respectable people

Minnie:
[over next line] Non-spon

Emery:
Now then

Minnie and Crun:
What, what, what did he say? Ooh

Emery:
Listen, don’t get excited. I just wanted to know did you hear anything at about three ‘o clock this morning?

Crun:
Yes sir. Should I tell him?

Minnie:
Tell him what Henry?

Emery:
Just come a long, tell me, what?

Minnie:
Tell him what happened at three ‘o clock this morning, you naughty man you

Crun:
I heard a clock strike two

Emery:
Gad, at last, a clue. Bow! How many times did it strike two?

Crun:
I don’t know sir, I fell asleep after it stuck one twice

Emery:
One twice? I’ll put that in the adding machine.

Grams:
Flatulence effects

Emery:
Just as I thought! Goodbye, telli-ho yoiks. Hay ho silver in a blinding flash, a white horse and a cry of hay ho silver and the lone ranger is on the trail of, SPON!

Grams:
Horse shoes galloping away

Ellington:
Listen, what’s going on here?

Emery:
A leather Goon Show, care to join us?

Ellington:
Cor blimey, yes mate. Me got wife and kid, an Asian flu.

Grams:
Running footsteps disappearing

Ray Ellington - "Sonny Boy"

Orchestra:
Dramatic music

Fx:
Door opens. Footsteps approaching

Milligan:
(Old voice) Spon!

Fx:
Door closes

Greenslade:
After a week’s of fruitless search - success!

Emery:
I found an apple; my search is no longer fruitless

Orchestra:
Woodwind chord, symbol crash

Emery:
Apple!

Cast:
Ha-Ha

Emery:
Just a moment. I was confronted by a tall cadiverous man wearing a nude bicycle shed. Another man let me in

Moriarty:
Ah, come this way please

Grytpype:
Inspector, I am Mr. Grytpype Thyne

Emery:
I’m Jim Tomontiul

Grytpype:
I happen to have a photo of a spon

Emery:
A spon? Ha, I don’t believe you

Grytpype:
Moriarty, show the gentlemen the receipt for the camera

Fx:
Paper rattling

Emery:
Gad, this is genuine

Grytpype:
And that’s only the receipt. The spon photo is even more genuine. Moriarty, time for your oow.

Moriarty:
Ooioww

Grytpype:
Splendid. He’s just been oowed

Emery:
What?

Grytpype:
Because he had to go oow

Emery:
Good luck. Right now look

Moriarty:
He let me go oow

Emery:
This photo will be a great value to the police. I must ask you to hand it over feet first by the wrists

Grytpype:
(Laughs) No Inspector, first there is a little matter of money

Moriarty:
Money, MONEY!? Hooow

Grytpype:
Quiet Moriarty. Keep your powers down

Moriarty:
My powers down

Grytpype:
Stop steaming. Money Inspector, yes, the spon photo draws for a mere £500

Emery:
Supposing the photo is a forgery?

Grytpype:
Well that is a risk I shall have to take

Emery:
Very well, very well, here’s £500

Fx:
Coin hitting floor

Grytpype:
Thankyou, now here in this sealed envelope is the spon photo not to be opened ‘till Christmas

Emery:
I waited ‘till Christmas, put on a white leather beard, then tore open the linen envelope from the outside - foiled by foiled, this isn’t a photo of a spon.

Grytpype:
How dare you prove us to be liars? Moriarty hurl this man in the direction of out

Moriarty:
Right, hup!

Grams:
Shattering glass

Grytpype:
Right through the window

Emery:
Yes, that taught them a lesson, a French lesson. It was a French window!

Orchestra:
Woodwind chord, symbol crash

Cast:
Hoy!

Grytpype:
Emery-type-Seagoon, stop these BBC audience losing jokes

Grams:
Telephone rings speeding up then slowing down again

Emery:
Hello, Emery-type-Seagoon here

Grytpype:
Grytpype here

Moriarty:
Moriarty here

Greenslade:
(Distorted) This is Dr. Greenslade of St. Hampton’s Hospital for the Fit and Healthy. The spon victim is now conscious

Emery:
Strap him to a thermometer until I arrive or vice-versa

Fx:
Hangs up phone

Emery:
What’s the quickest way to St. Hampton’s Hospital?

Grytpype:
Hold this rocket

Emery:
But I...

Grams:
Whoosh. Sped up voice of Emery saying ‘What are you doing this for? How dare you...?’

Orchestra:
Dramatic music

Greenslade:
Ladies and gentlemen, during the broadcast you might’ve experienced some crackling on your radio

Milligan:
She’s mine

Greenslade:
This is due to atmospherics, so do not interfere with your set or any ladies in the room. Part three - a National Health Hospital.

Doctor:
Say aahh

Patient:
Aahh (Screams)

Fx:
Objects hitting floor

Doctor:
Stand by your beds

Fx:
Disorganised running footsteps

Emery:
Ah, Dr. Greenslade, where’s the spon man?

Greenslade:
On this hatstand. We did our best, he’s much better

Emery:
And how are you feeling now, my poor man?

Greenslade:
I’m fine thankyou

Bluebottle:
He means me you nit!

Emery:
So you were the victim of the sponning, a Finchley child, of no fixed trousers

Bluebottle:
Yes I was heavily sponned in all areas below the knees. Spon it went, spon spon spon! Up it came, spon! And down it went, spuggy! [Singing] Honey, how I love you, how I love you my dear old honey!

Emery:
Tell me the whole story

Bluebottle:
I was told you the whole story

Emery:
From the beginning

Bluebottle:
Oh I diden know that

Emery:
Right

Bluebottle:
Well I was, I was coming back from morning classes one evening in Hyde Park and I was brushing the grass off my knees when suddenly...

Emery:
Yes yes yes yes?

Bluebottle:
Yeah, there’s some smashing nurses there

Emery:
What, what, what what what what what?! Remove those evil thoughts from your mind, to mine

Bluebottle:
Never! I can get them free on the National Health

Emery:
Gad I must vote labour next time

Bluebottle:
They’re all red-hot labour in this ward

Emery:
So this is the labour ward, hup!

Orchestra:
Woodwind chord, symbol crash

Cast:
Hoy!

Bluebottle:
Oh look, here comes someone on a stretcher

Emery:
So they stretch people here. Poor man, bandaged from head to throat. A victim of some fool. What happened my poor man?

Moriarty:
You threw me through a window you fool

Emery:
That reminds me this photo you sold me is not of a spon but a military gentleman in Africa. Who is he? ...Speak up, or I’ll confiscate your teeth!

Moriarty:
OK, I tell you I tell you. It’s Major Dennis Bloodnok, he owns the film rights of The Walton Report

Emery:
What?! Walt Disney will never forgive him. After him!

Orchestra:
Bloodnok theme

Bloodnok:
Aeough aeough! Me arles me arles!

Grams:
Flies

Bloodnok:
The heat and the flies. I should never’ve come to Timbuktu in the mating season, you know. Abdol, my military saxophone

Orchestra:
Saxophone playing start of ‘Comrades March’ finishing with one low loud note

Bloodnok:
Aeough

Fx:
Knock on door, door opens, machine

Emery:
I’m Emery-type-Seagoon, I’ve just arrived in Africa

Bloodnok:
I’m Major Bloodnok and I’ve been here all the time

Emery:
So you beat me here

Bloodnok:
Bend down and I’ll beat you there

Fx:
Cracking whip

Emery:
OOOWWW, you fool. Bloodnok

Bloodnok:
What?

Emery:
I must warn you I’m on police business

Bloodnok:
Warn me then

Emery:
First, a few questions

Bloodnok:
Yes?

Emery:
One, are you naked?

Bloodnok:
Yes I’m training to take a bath

Emery:
What a funny place to keep the soap

Bloodnok:
How dare you?

Emery:
Is this a photograph of you?

Bloodnok:
I felt no pain

Emery:
Yes, I paid £500 for it

Bloodnok:
A bargain, a genuine Bloodnok

Emery:
I bought it believing it to be a photograph of a spon

Bloodnok:
A spon? You’ve been swindled

Emery:
Bloodnok, I must ask you to be a witness in the spon case

Bloodnok:
I refuse to testify, sir

Emery:
Then I’ll supiner you

Bloodnok:
You filthy swine! Oooh, Aooohoh!

Emery:
Tie this railway engine round your waist and swallow this lump of coal

Bloodnok:
And so saying we left for England!

Grams:
Two short train whistles

Emery:
Here we are back in England

Milligan:
I’m sorry we’re closed

Emery:
Curse! It must be Thursday

Burke:
[Talking with bagpipe music] No sir, I’m sorry, welcome home to ungland [England] sir. While you were saway there’s another case of sponnin’ sir.

Emery:
Where?

Burke:
[Talking with bagpipe music] At the London Zoo sir.

Emery:
A ZOO sponning, the worst type

Burke:
[Talking with bagpipe music] Aarrrr aarrrr

Emery:
How do I get there?

Burke:
[Talking with bagpipe music] You have to take a 39 green elephant sir, but first of all I would like you to hear this array

Orchestra:
Burke singing ‘Hairy Me’ accompanied by piano

Burke:
[Talking with bagpipe music] Well I hope you like it sir, it’s my first composition

Fx:
Gunshot, Burke in pain

Grams:
dying bagpipes

Emery:
Got him in the haggis. Geldray play a lament while I put these chickens at bay. Back you devils!

Grams:
Chicken bleats

Max Geldray - "It Happened in Monterey"

Greenslade:
Spon - part three

Emery:
Is this the zoo?

Spriggs:
Yes Jim, welcome to captivity

Emery:
I’m not here as a specimen. I believe a fish was sponned

Spriggs:
Yes Jim

Emery:
Were there any witnesses to the sponning?

Spriggs:
Oh yes Jim, Harold Blun.

Emery:
Where’s he?

Spriggs:
In there Jim, [singing] iiinnn therrre

Emery:
Right, I’ll question this Harold Blun.

Fx:
Door opens, then closes, running footsteps and maniacal crying

Greenslade:
We had better explain that Harold Blun is a gorilla. Height, 10 foot 3; chest, normal 82 inches; weight, 800 pounds. We leave him being questioned by Inspector Emery.

Grams:
Shattering glass

Emery:
Oohh

Spriggs:
Any luck Jim?

Emery:
Yes, I got out alive

Grams:
More shattering glass

Emery:
Thank heaven he’s thrown my legs out

Fx:
Telephone ringing

Emery:
Hello? Emery speaking from the zoo

Sellers:
[American, on phone] I’ve got some news sir. Police records have found an actual recording of a spon

Emery:
What luck! Mr Spriggs, hold this telephone

Spriggs:
Right Jim

Emery:
[On phone] Hello Spriggs?

Spriggs:
Yes?

Emery:
You can hang up now

Spriggs:
OK

Orchestra:
Dramatic music

Cast:
Rhubarbs

Emery:
Gentlemen, silence! Silence while we hear this recording of a spon. William, play the record

Grams:
Vibrato high voice, pops, pff, voice going up and down followed by high note, burp, fast clicking, ends with a few short notes

Emery:
So that’s a spon. Now we know what we’re looking for. Action

Orchestra:
Dramatic music

Cast:
Hoy!

Greenslade:
To trap the sponner, roadblocks were set up. Special men were put on duty. [Singing] On dutyyyyy!

Grams:
Boat bell clanging twice, footsteps fading in

Emery:
Left, left, left left left. Now you’re right. Halt!

Grams:
Footsteps stop

Emery:
Now Colonel, sorry to put a man of such high rank on guard but only men of high intellect can be trusted, so I leave you to trap the spon. See you later

Fx:
Footsteps fading out

Eccles:
[Singing softly] Hey little men, when when when, love letters in the street...

Fx:
Flatulence effects

Eccles:
What’s that sound that shouldn’t be there and wasn’t? What’s that? What’s that? What’s that?

Fx:
More flatulence effects

Eccles:
Oooohhh. What’s that then? Hat’s that? What?

Fx:
Wind

Eccles:
Ooooohhhhhh. What’s that? What’s that going ooooohhhhh? Who goes there?

Fx:
Gibberish talk

Eccles:
Advance and be recognised

Emery:
Don’t shoot! It’s me, great news! I’ve heard that there’s a...

Greenslade:
Now, Emery tells Eccles that a third sponning has been traced to the Canadian Rockies. Part four - the Canadian Rockies

Orchestra:
Woodwind chord, symbol crash

Cast:
Hoy!

Emery:
Look, the Canadian Rockies!

Cast:
Hurray!

Emery:
Didn’t take long

Eccles:
It didn’t hurt

Emery:
Now let’s speak to this typical native of Canada, who happens to be a stranger around here

Cyril:
Um, hello partner buddy. Um, so ah, what can I do for you?

Fx:
Spit, object hitting bucket

Cyril:
That’s alright that bit wasn’t it?

Emery:
Very nice. We need a guide.

Cyril:
Here, I’ve got the very fella for you. Um, Chief Wurriguts.

Wurriguts:
Yim, boom balabuya bomb.

Cyril:
This man here is a genuine fake Red Indian available for Ray Ellington parts.

Wurriguts:
My card.

Emery:
This card is blank.

Wurriguts:
Me got writing on the back.

Emery:
That’s a damn silly place to write, on the back.

Wurriguts:
Look, me tell you. Chief Wurriguts, MGM child star, expert hunter, trapped? Sends spoke signals, nine words per shilling, sware words extra.

Bloodnok:
Don’t pay it sir, I can do all your swearing at half price. It’s the off season, you know.

Eccles:
Is this the off season?

Bloodnok:
Yes.

Eccles:
Well I’m off then.

Emery:
Come back at once! Remember here as suspects

Eccles:
All of us?

Emery:
Yes.

Cyril:
Well you’d better head off before it gets dark then, hadn’t you?

Wurriguts:
OK, white men, all ready for the trek?

Emery:
Right, I’ll get my trek suit on. Fill up the huskies with petrol and harness them to the sherrabang. Forward!

Orchestra:
Dramatic link

Grams:
Gail wind, chicken bleats...

Bluebottle:
Mush, mush! Get up there! Flicks leather-type whip

Orchestra:
Cracking whip

Bluebottle:
Aeough, my ear hole!

Emery:
Bluebottle, tell those dogs to stop doing impressions of chickens

Bluebottle:
Naughty dogs! Stop them chicken impressions

Grams:
Chicken bleats stop

Wurriguts:
Well now, we’ll have to travel on foot

Emery:
Right, I’ll unpack one

Wurriguts:
But what about your luggage? Me got three wives in suitcase

Bloodnok:
Carry your bags, sir?

Emery:
Down Bloodnok! Put evil thoughts behind you

Bloodnok:
They are behind me, that’s why I’m first in the queue, you know

Emery:
Military fool

Bloodnok:
[Laughs]

Emery:
Oh, now everybody will have to help carry my luggage. Now to find that dreaded spon!

Greenslade:
I’m sorry to interrupt you, Mr. Emery, but you’ve only got thirty seconds left

Emery:
I can’t search Canada for a spon in thirty seconds! Oh no!

Greenslade:
Very well. Ladies and gentlemen, you’ve been listening to an incomplete Goon Show. Goodnight!

Orchestra:
Start of end theme, but...

Greenslade:
Alright Wally, whoa hold it. For dissatisfied customers, here is a happy ending:


Orchestra:
Romantic music

Milligan:
Cynthia?

Cynthia:
Yes darling?

Milligan:
Marry me, Cynthia!

Cynthia:
Darling, I’d love to!

Grams:
Organ playing bridal precession, church bells clanging

Orchestra:
End theme

Greenslade:
That was the Goon Show. A BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Dick Emery and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Charles Chilton!