Goon Show Script

The £1,000,000 Penny

Series 9, Episode 3

Originally broadcast: 17th November 1958


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GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Light Programme. Harm it and you harm me. Semper fidelis, vivat John Snaggers! I will now swear an oath on the Radio Times

SELLERS: Stop! Here is a warning: owing to an outbreak of fish in the Codswolds, all Tibetans with legs will be shot

SPRIGGS: Take aim, fire!

FX: Gunshot

SECOMBE: Aaaa! You fool, Milligoon. I’m not a Tibetan

SPRIGGS: Ooh, then why are you wearing legs, Jim? [Sings:] Why are you wearing legs?

SECOMBE: People say they make me look taller

SELLERS - AMERICAN: Yes, folks. Only legs will give you those extra inches. Buy a pair today! The new king size filter legs with a flip top knee!

SPRIGGS: Never mind the flip flap knee, Jim. Where did you get those legs?

SECOMBE: I bought them during a crawling tour of Bulgaria, you know. I was crawling…

GRAMS: Explosion

SECOMBE: Aaaaaeeeeeeaaaaahhhh!

SELLERS: I will now say part two from a distance. [Off:] Part two from a distance!

GREENSLADE: I say, this is The Story Of A Crime-Type Murder

ORCHESTRA: Dramatic fanfare

SELLERS: The scene: a watertight alibi in Chelsea, London WC

FX: Door opens

SEAGOON: Hands up! Nobody move! This camera is loaded with a fillem of bullets. ~~~~~~ Inspector Seagoon is the name. Ha ha. Now which one of you sixty men is Rita Hayworth?

WILLIUM: We take it in turns, mate

SEAGOON: A constabule of the polis! Now tell me, what am I doing here?

WILLIUM: Looking for a murderer

SEAGOON: It’s a bit early for that

WILLIUM: Ah – it’s a matinee, mate

SEAGOON: Oh I see. Who’s playing the lead body?

WILLIUM: So help me! Tom Pete is dead, matey

SEAGOON: Pete, dead? deadbeat? That’s terrible!

WILLIUM: Yes and it didn’t get a laugh either, did it

MILLIGAN: Keep going, lads. The good ones are ahead

WILLIUM: I found the vicatim in the doorway of Val Parnell's wallet

SEAGOON: Poor vicatim. C’est triste

WILLIUM: Triste yer. By his body lay a sock full of jelly

SEAGOON: Then we’re looking for a man wearing one sock and eating a jelly

SPRIGGS: Curse, Jim! London’s full of them, Jim

SEAGOON: Ah, inspector Tooth. Bad news for you. Your grandmother, Fred Pete, is dead

SPRIGGS: Yes, I read about it in a newspaper

SEAGOON: He didn’t die in a newspaper, mate. He was found under a copy of The Poultry Gazette!

SPRIGGS: Poultry Gazette? I suspect fowl play!

SEAGOON: I suspect old jokes, hup!

SPRIGGS: Constable, arrest all olds Jokes

WILLIUM: Right. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side! I arrest you! Got him

SPRIGGS: Good man. Gentlemen, I think this person who did this sock jelly murder was a master criminule. Is anything missing?

WILLIUM: Yes, he is

SEAGOON: So, he got away with himself. He got AWAY with himself. That’s better, that’s more like it. He must’ve been using the new king size legs. Anything else gone?

WILLIUM: Ten volumes of Diana Dors in 3D

SEAGOON: What? Arrest all musclemen and search them for books of Diana Dors. And while your about it, search Diana Dors for musclemen

WILLIUM: Oh. I'll get me appliance, mate

SPRIGGS: Stop! Willium, put that inspection light. Now tell me, where did you find this sock full of jelly, Jim?

WILLIUM: On top of the Eiffel Tower

SPRIGGS: Sooooo! We’re looking for a tall Frenchmen, or a short Frenchmen standing on a chair with long arms, or a short ~~~~ man facing east with the long arms. Etcetera

SEAGOON: [Gibberish] It could’ve been a tall man sitting down with long arms, you know

SPRIGGS: Yeah. Shhhh!

SEAGOON: What are you listening for?

SPRIGGS: Laughs, Jim. What’s the matter with them tonight?

SEAGOON: You’ve had it too easy in Australia

WILLIUM: Inspector. I’ve just been consulting my date book…

SEAGOON: And?

WILLIUM: I haven’t eaten one for weeks. Oooow!

SEAGOON: Arrest that man for old jokes

WILLIUM: Here, steady oooh…

SPRIGGS: Gentlemen, gentlemen…

SEAGOON: Shut up, you twit!

SPRIGGS: …Please. Seagoon, outside

WILLIUM: Gentlemen…

FX: Whistle

WILLIUM: Ah!

GREENSLADE: Half time, lads

SEAGOON: Ta

GREENSLADE: And as the players run off the field for a £10,000 transfer fee, on come the band of the royal Max Geldray

GELDRAY: Oh boy, at last, a break!

MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA: “Please Be Kind”

GREENSLADE: He’s um – very good, you know. Very good indeed!

ORCHESTRA: Long dramatic link

GREENSLADE: Ta. The Sock Jelly Murder: part two

SEAGOON: Stop, stop! Hello folks, hello folks, good news, folks. Whilst Max Geldray was playing, they captured the sock jelly murderer. A man called Arthur Plin

GREENSLADE: I say that’s a bit disappointing for the listeners

THROAT: Never mind, folks. We fill in the time with Ned the Miser

GRAMS: Howling wind

CORNISHMAN (SELLERS): Arrrrr earrrr. You hear that naughty wind? ‘Tis the wind that blows over the Kenneth Moors of the wintertime. People do say that if you holds a nergle in your ‘and and puts one ear hole to the ground, you can hear the wind blowing in the other ear hole. And that’s the house of Miser Ned. Maharharhar harharharhar!

GRAMS: Howling wind up and out

SEAGOON: Aaaaa ha ha ha! Jeeves, throw another unpaid bill in the fire and while you’re about it, throw on a couple of unpaid Freds. Hahaha! The money and power! That’s what I’ve got. Ha. What else have I got?

GRAMS: Howling wind

SEAGOON: The wind! Aaaah! Jeeves, here’s a pencil, go and draw the blinds

JEEVES (MILLIGAN): I arrest you for old jokes

SEAGOON: That was in the Sock Jelly Murder. That’s over. I’m acting(?) ~~~~~~~~. Hahahahaha! Jeeves, pull out the Seagoon’s horde of coins

FX: One coin drops to floor

SEAGOON: Now back in the safe with it! Hahahaha! One penny, hahaha, and it’s tax-free. Hahahahahahaha haahaahaha ha, [chokes]

GREENSLADE: He’s very good, you know, very good indeed. Meantime, with the aid of an ear-trumpet, two men have heard of Miser Ned’s penny, and were heading that way along the old moor road

GRAMS: Horse gallops pulling carriage, screech of breaks, chicken noises

GRYTPYPE: Coachman! Coachman, why have we stopped?

SINGHIZ: Chickens are tired, sir

GRYTPYPE: But gentlemen, my brown paper parcel and I must have shelter for the night. Our underwear is porous

MORIARTY: Alaga…

GRYTPYPE: Shut up, you

SPRIGGS: Hands up! Hands up, everyone except me

GRYTPYPE: Blast! It's Ben Turpin. the cross-eyed highwaymen

SPRIGGS: Wrong, Jim. We are uncross-eyed Bow Street runners, and we’re looking for a criminal ventriloquist and his French dummy, Jim

GRYTPYPE: I’m sorry, sir, but we’re clean out of criminal ventwiloquists. Try the stage coach further down the road. They may stock them

SPRIGGS: Right, Jim

GRAMS: Running footsteps fading out

GRYTPYPE: Alright, dear count, you can come out now, they’ve gone

FX: Rattling paper

MORIARTY: Aah! There must be a better way of travelling than this

WILLIUM: I thought so! You’ve been tryin’ to ride free

MORIARTY: Nonsense, nonsense, nice man. Nonsense ~~~~~. I’m a ventriloquist dummy, hahaha!

WILLIUM: You’re real, you talks. And look, you’ve got dandruff on your nut

MORIARTY: I tell you, it’s his

GRYTPYPE: Of course it’s mine. Not only do I throw my voice, I also throw my dandruff

MORIARTY: That is true ~~~~~~~

WILLIUM: I shall have to take down your names…

GRAMS: Spludge!

WILLIUM: Oow, I’ve been sponned, oow!

MORIARTY: Right in his old bazolika dowser(?)! Hahaha

GRYTPYPE: Yes, but you’d better unscrew that lump on his nut. We don’t want to leave any evidence

MORIARTY: Right. Look, Grytpype, there. 4000 miles away, a house with a light in it

GRYTPYPE: And it smells delicious. Go and bring the front door here and I’ll cover you with this forty-five caliber(?) sing

MORIARTY: ~~~~~~~

GRAMS: Running footsteps fading away

GRYTPYPE: [Sings a sorrow tune for about 15 sec.]

GRAMS: Running footsteps fading in

MORIARTY: (Ha ha ha ha!) Here, complete with two spare door knockers, one door

GRYTPYPE: What? Hand me my door knocking hat

FX: Doing!

MORIARTY: Ha!

GRYTPYPE: Now to arouse the occupants

FX: Knock on door

HENRY CRUN: [Off:] Coming, coming!

FX: Footsteps approaching slowly (for 20 sec.)

MORIARTY: He’s coming, sir. He’s coming

FX: Rattling chains and locks

HENRY CRUN: Aaah! Now who was that knocking?

MORIARTY: It was my friend, Grytpype-Thynne

HENRY CRUN: I can’t see him

MORIARTY: That’s because you are playing him

HENRY CRUN: What?

MORIARTY: He’s never here when you’re here

HENRY CRUN: I don’t understand

MORIARTY: Neither do the audience, that’s why it isn’t getting a laugh

HENRY CRUN: Very quiet this evening

MORIARTY: Now listen, old man. We are stranded, you know, stranded

HENRY CRUN: What?

MORIARTY: Yes, our stage coach was suddenly taken ill with a dreadful…

SEAGOON: Mr Crun! Close that door a… I say, who are these three women?

HENRY CRUN: These three women are two men!

SEAGOON: Oooh!

GRYTPYPE: Sir, we are fleeing from the advancing German army

SEAGOON: Eh? They gave it in 1945

GRYTPYPE: Ah yes, but we are made of sterner stuff, sir

SEAGOON: I don’t like this at all

SEAGOON: Two strange men arriving in a mist during an equinox of the shins of the anniversary of my legs? Ha. Oh no, it bodes evil, I tell you. There’s an old Gypsy saying… I just can’t think of it at the moment

GRYTPYPE: Sir, my card

SEAGOON: Mr Grytpype-Thynne, king of England, knighthoods done while you wait? You’re the king?

GRYTPYPE: My word, yes

MORIARTY: That is true, Ned

SEAGOON: How do you know my name?

MORIARTY: I met it at a dance

SEAGOON: Who are you?

MORIARTY: Pretender to the throne of France!

SEAGOON: You don’t look like a king

MORIARTY: That’s because I’m only pretending

FX: Slap

MORIARTY: Aaaah! Oooow!

GRYTPYPE: Pardon the steam king, Neddie, he’s never been the same since the fall of France

SEAGOON: Why not?

MORIARTY: It fell on me, that’s why!

FX: Slap

MORIARTY: Aaaah! Oooow! [French gibberish]

GRYTPYPE: Quiet, you steaming idiot!

MORIARTY: [French gibberish]

GRYTPYPE: Phish too! Now, Ned, you’re rich, yes?

SEAGOON: How did you know?

GRYTPYPE: Moriarty was feeling inside your pockets and he heard you had money

SEAGOON: Ha ha ha ha! See this penny? I own it!

MORIARTY: A penny. Both sides?

SEAGOON: Yes, hard to believe, eh? Haha! No no! Put down that sock full of jelly, no! ~~~~~~~!

GRAMS: Spludge!

SEAGOON: Aaaaaeeeehuuuh!

MORIARTY: Timbeeer!

GRAMS: Tree crashes down

GRYTPYPE: Good work, steam count. Unscrew his legs so he can’t follow us. Now for the palot. Dear listeners, this penny is valuable. You see, it has been left a million pounds in the will of Neddie’s grandmother. All we have to do now is finish granny

GREENSLADE: Very good, lads. Meantime, forty-thousand miles away in a daub and wattle hut in Mongolia, Ray Ellington is about to play a contortionist in E flat

RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET: “That’s My Girl”

GREENSLADE: He’s um – very good, you know, very good indeed. Meantime as Ned the Miser lies unconscious in a pool of unconsciousness, a fiend poacher is at work in the grounds

ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok theme

GRAMS: Bubbling water under gunshots

BLOODNOK: Aaaarough! Aaaaarrough! Aaaaaaouh! Aeough! Ooh, that’s better. [Sings:] Oh Dennis, you eat tonight, that is what you’ll do. You eat tonight. [Stops singing] Now where’s me butler’s revenge frying pan? Ah here

FX: Rattling pans

BLOODNOK: [Sings:] Deee dee dee deeeee. Little fishes from the sea. I’m gonna cook you tonight, my dear. Hooo!

ECCLES: [Off:] My friend, my man!

BLOODNOK: What, what, what?

ECCLES: Don’t you know you’re not allowed to shoot fish

BLOODNOK: Scron me lip glons! What t… Who are you, sir? Explain away that tatty body and those Jacobean legs, please

ECCLES: They’re mine

BLOODNOK: What?

ECCLES: I’m Mad Dan Eccles

BLOODNOK: Well that explains everything, but it doesn’t help me at all. Well I deny having shot any fish

ECCLES: Aooooooh! I saw you point your gun at that river, and you… BAAANG! [3 sec. pause] You did that

BLOODNOK: What? But I wasn’t shooting naughty fish

ECCLES: Oh yeah?

BLOODNOK: I was shooting the river

ECCLES: Shooting the river?

BLOODNOK: Of course

ECCLES: [Up at mike:] There’s something funny going on here

BLOODNOK: Come away from that audience, Eccles. You don’t know where they’ve been. I can explain everything, Eccles. There’s been a terrible drought in Bagshot and the lads sent me out here to shoot some water. You’ve heard of a Water Shoot, haven’t you, Mad Dan?

ECCLES: No, but I heard of a piece of knotted string

BLOODNOK: Oh. Well, it’s like a piece of knotted string, only it’s called a Water Shoot

ECCLES: Ohhooooogooo

BLOODNOK: I don’t think you’re quite with it, you know. However, I’ll play it to you

ECCLES: Play it to me

-GRAMS: Piano accompanies Bloodnok in a 32 sec. rendition of “It’s a Long Way to Tipperary” as follows:

-BLOODNOK: It's a long, long way to Tipparary, It's a military way to go, A long, long way to Tipparary

-FX: Gunshot

-BLOODNOK: AaahOoooh! To that Swedish girl I know

-FX: Gunshot

-BLOODNOK: That's not the girl I love ~~~ 'cause my heart lies there

-FX: Gunshot

-BLOODNOK: A long, long way to Tipparary, 'cause that's were I wonna be

-FX: Gunshot, followed by explosion over...

-BLOODNOK: Aaawhooh!

BLOODNOK: There!

ECCLES: That was a Water Shoot?

BLOODNOK: In the key of E flat, there’s no law against shooting water, I tell you

ECCLES: Oh no?

BLOODNOK: No

ECCLES: I’d better look in my little book and see what is says

FX: Flipping paper in a book

ECCLES: This book belongs to Eccles. OK, you’re in the clear. Yeah. You’re still trespassing though. I’d better take your name down

BLOODNOK: My name? Oh

ECCLES: Come on now

BLOODNOK: Well I, um – Mrs Elizabeth Thuinge

ECCLES: Mrs El – You are woman?

BLOODNOK: Er – Quite so, yes, yes, yes

ECCLES: Ooooooooohohohoho!

BLOODNOK: Stay away from me ~~~~~~!

GRAMS: Splash!

LITTLE JIM: He’s fallen in the water!

ECCLES: We’d better run and tell the master

LITTLE JIM: We’d better run and tell the master!

ORCHESTRA: Dramatic and long link

SEAGOON: Aaah! Ohohoh! Struck down! Aaooh! AAAAAaahohohoho! In me prime yet! Oooohho! oooohho! Hoh

GREENSLADE: He’s very good, you know. That was Mr Seagoon playing Ned the Miser, still unconscious, but, luckily, the long player of his groans have reached the top ten, and a band of young stalwarts are on the way

GRAMS: Fast marching music for 13 sec.

BLUEBOTTLE: Men, halt!

GRAMS: Stop

BLUEBOTTLE: Falls on the ground from the shoulders put there

GRAMS: Planks on top of each other. Someone saying: Ha!

BLUEBOTTLE: Men of the third Finchley Wolfscubs… Dung Sproley, don’t do that. We are known as the women savers. Our duty is to crush vice(?) in Finchley

GRAMS: Little boys shouting: Hip hip, hurray hurray. Hip hip, hurray hurray. Hip ray hip ray hip ray!

BLUEBOTTLE: Crush all vice(?) and leave just enough for us. Now, men, breathing exercise. In…

GRAMS: Boys breathing in

BLUEBOTTLE: Ay, Plunton! Draw your stomach in like this

FX: Sliding whistle going down

BLUEBOTTLE: Ooh my trousers!

MIN BANNISTER: Ooooh! Young Bluebottle! Stop that modern-type entertainment at once

BLUEBOTTLE: Oooh, it’s Granny Min from Eastbourne. Hello, Granny Min from Eastbourne

MIN BANNISTER: Hello Young Bottle from Plunge. Your dinner’s in the oven

FX: Door opens

SEAGOON: Aaaaoooooh! Struck down by sock jelly! Aaaaah!

MIN BANNISTER: It’s Neddie! Ooh, he looks a drun. Neddie, let me smell your breath. [Sniffs] Neddie, you’ve been eating again

SEAGOON: Aaaaaah ooooooo!

MIN BANNISTER: Throw away that bottle of vintage food

SEAGOON: Oooh! Granny Min – back from the dead! How long are you staying?

MIN BANNISTER: Me dead? Who said soooooo?

SEAGOON: The man I paid to knock you off. I mean aaaadododoooo!

BLUEBOTTLE: Granny Min, he wants to do you in, Min

SEAGOON: Shut up, you nutty nit or I’ll…

BLUEBOTTLE: Granny Min is gonna belt me with that dirty big saw!

SEAGOON: It’s only made of rubber, lad

MIN BANNISTER: Throw it away

FX: Saw hitting floor

MIN BANNISTER: Ooooh!

HENRY CRUN: Sir, sir, the gamekeeper is outside with a bucket of dead water, sir

ECCLES: Hello, master. This man’s been shooting at your water

BLOODNOK: I warn you, Ned the Miser. I’ll sue you for every penny I owe you, and… Ooooooooh!

MIN BANNISTER: Oooooooh!

BLOODNOK: Oooh oooooooooooooh!

MIN BANNISTER: Oooooooooh!

BLOODNOK: Oooh [with octave:] oooooooooooh!

MIN BANNISTER: Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!

BLOODNOK: Ooooohohohoho!

SEAGOON: What’s on the other side?

BLOODNOK: Silence, please. What? It can’t be. Is it?

MIN BANNISTER: Is it? It is. Dennis, isn’t it?

BLOODNOK: Yes, dear heart. Ooooh! And you, my childhood sweetheart number 3-4-5

MIN BANNISTER: Oooh! Then you remember…

BLOODNOK: Of course I remember, my dear. I have a memo on my shin

MIN BANNISTER: Oooooh! Dennis, ooooh! Then you do remember me

BLOODNOK: Of course, darling. You’re Fred Puker, the dustman from Leeds

MIN BANNISTER: Ooh no. Ooh no. I’m Minnie Bannister, the millionairess from Tring

BLOODNOK: Tring, oh even better. Ooh, how well I remember the place, Tring. Tring Tring Tring

FX: Door opens

ELLINGTON: You rang, sir?

BLOODNOK: What? Get out, will you

MIN BANNISTER: But he’s very good

BLOODNOK: Yes, very good

MIN BANNISTER: Very small part, thank you

BLOODNOK: Thank you

MIN BANNISTER: Next week, Manchester

BLOODNOK: Come, Min. Let me hold you close

MIN BANNISTER: Ooooh! Steady now!

BLOODNOK: Now…

GRAMS: Steamer!

BLOODNOK: Aeough!

ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link

GRAMS: Gust of wind, two clock chimes

GREENSLADE: That was two clocks striking one independently and the wind is on loan. In the great Baronial phone box, Ned the Miser is plotting to destroy Min

SEAGOON: Mr Crun, two o clock. Time for your revenge

HENRY CRUN: Alright, we must save my modern Min from ancient Bloodnok

SEAGOON: Yes, here, put this bomb in his coffee

HENRY CRUN: Won’t it keep him awake?

SEAGOON: It will explode him! Hahahahaha!

HENRY CRUN: But Bloodnok is used to explosions

SEAGOON: Not this kind, mate. Off you go. Hahaha. The moment he explodes, I’ll force the old dear to change the will in my favour. Hahahahaha! Hum hum. Hahahahahaa!

GREENSLADE: He’s very good, you know. And so Mr Secombe overacts his way into another summer season at Scunthorpe. Meantime, outside the manor, the counter-plot is about to begin

ORCHESTRA: Showbiz link

MORIARTY: Grytpype, we’re on

GRYTPYPE: Yes. Look, there’s a light in Min’s window. Load the grandmother gun

MORIARTY: And don’t forget, don’t shoot ‘till you see the whites of her corsets

GRYTPYPE: Let’s toss for who does it

MORIARTY: Let’s use the rich penny

GRYTPYPE: Yes, heads or tails?

MORIARTY: Yes, up she goes

FX: Rattling coin

BLOODNOK: Ooooh! Come out, Min, or… hu!

FX: Coin in mug

BLOODNOK: Ooh! I’ve swallowed a penny, I’m rich

MORIARTY: Oh dear, don’t panic, sir. Let’s have a drink together

BLOODNOK: What a fine idea

MORIARTY: Cheers to you and your penny

BLOODNOK: Oh. Caster oil, ooh! And after that coffee, no no!

SEAGOON: Did you say coffee?

HENRY CRUN: Has he drunk it yet, sir?

MORIARTY: I…

GRAMS: Long explosion

FX: Coin falls to floor

BLUEBOTTLE: Hey. Eccles?

ECCLES: Yeah?

BLUEBOTTLE: There’s a penny. Let’s go buy lollypops, shall we?

ECCLES: Yeah

ECCLES & BLUEBOTTLE: [Sing “Pop Goes the Weasel” Fades out]

GREENSLADE: They’re very good, you know. And Yes they appear to have finished, so everyone back to their own beds. Goodnight

GRAMS: Wailing

ORCHESTRA: “Old Comrades March”

GREENSLADE: They’re very good, you know, very good indeed!

RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET: “I’m Beginning to See the Light”