Goon Show Script
The £1,000,000 Penny
Series 9, Episode 3
Originally broadcast: 17th November 1958
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Goon Show Compendium 10
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Light Programme. Harm it and you harm me. Semper fidelis, vivat John Snaggers! I will now swear an oath on the Radio Times
SELLERS: Stop! Here is a warning: owing to an outbreak of fish in the Codswolds, all Tibetans with legs will be shot
SPRIGGS: Take aim, fire!
SECOMBE: Aaaa! You fool, Milligoon. I’m not a Tibetan
SPRIGGS: Ooh, then why are you wearing legs, Jim? [Sings:] Why are you wearing legs?
SECOMBE: People say they make me look taller
SELLERS - AMERICAN: Yes, folks. Only legs will give you those extra inches. Buy a pair today! The new king size filter legs with a flip top knee!
SPRIGGS: Never mind the flip flap knee, Jim. Where did you get those legs?
SECOMBE: I bought them during a crawling tour of Bulgaria, you know. I was crawling…
SELLERS: I will now say part two from a distance. [Off:] Part two from a distance!
GREENSLADE: I say, this is The Story Of A Crime-Type Murder
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic fanfare
SELLERS: The scene: a watertight alibi in Chelsea, London WC
FX: Door opens
SEAGOON: Hands up! Nobody move! This camera is loaded with a fillem of bullets. ~~~~~~ Inspector Seagoon is the name. Ha ha. Now which one of you sixty men is Rita Hayworth?
WILLIUM: We take it in turns, mate
SEAGOON: A constabule of the polis! Now tell me, what am I doing here?
WILLIUM: Looking for a murderer
SEAGOON: It’s a bit early for that
WILLIUM: Ah – it’s a matinee, mate
SEAGOON: Oh I see. Who’s playing the lead body?
WILLIUM: So help me! Tom Pete is dead, matey
SEAGOON: Pete, dead? deadbeat? That’s terrible!
WILLIUM: Yes and it didn’t get a laugh either, did it
MILLIGAN: Keep going, lads. The good ones are ahead
WILLIUM: I found the vicatim in the doorway of Val Parnell's wallet
SEAGOON: Poor vicatim. C’est triste
WILLIUM: Triste yer. By his body lay a sock full of jelly
SEAGOON: Then we’re looking for a man wearing one sock and eating a jelly
SPRIGGS: Curse, Jim! London’s full of them, Jim
SEAGOON: Ah, inspector Tooth. Bad news for you. Your grandmother, Fred Pete, is dead
SPRIGGS: Yes, I read about it in a newspaper
SEAGOON: He didn’t die in a newspaper, mate. He was found under a copy of The Poultry Gazette!
SPRIGGS: Poultry Gazette? I suspect fowl play!
SEAGOON: I suspect old jokes, hup!
SPRIGGS: Constable, arrest all olds Jokes
WILLIUM: Right. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side! I arrest you! Got him
SPRIGGS: Good man. Gentlemen, I think this person who did this sock jelly murder was a master criminule. Is anything missing?
WILLIUM: Yes, he is
SEAGOON: So, he got away with himself. He got AWAY with himself. That’s better, that’s more like it. He must’ve been using the new king size legs. Anything else gone?
WILLIUM: Ten volumes of Diana Dors in 3D
SEAGOON: What? Arrest all musclemen and search them for books of Diana Dors. And while your about it, search Diana Dors for musclemen
WILLIUM: Oh. I'll get me appliance, mate
SPRIGGS: Stop! Willium, put that inspection light. Now tell me, where did you find this sock full of jelly, Jim?
WILLIUM: On top of the Eiffel Tower
SPRIGGS: Sooooo! We’re looking for a tall Frenchmen, or a short Frenchmen standing on a chair with long arms, or a short ~~~~ man facing east with the long arms. Etcetera
SEAGOON: [Gibberish] It could’ve been a tall man sitting down with long arms, you know
SPRIGGS: Yeah. Shhhh!
SEAGOON: What are you listening for?
SPRIGGS: Laughs, Jim. What’s the matter with them tonight?
SEAGOON: You’ve had it too easy in Australia
WILLIUM: Inspector. I’ve just been consulting my date book…
WILLIUM: I haven’t eaten one for weeks. Oooow!
SEAGOON: Arrest that man for old jokes
WILLIUM: Here, steady oooh…
SPRIGGS: Gentlemen, gentlemen…
SEAGOON: Shut up, you twit!
SPRIGGS: …Please. Seagoon, outside
GREENSLADE: Half time, lads
GREENSLADE: And as the players run off the field for a £10,000 transfer fee, on come the band of the royal Max Geldray
GELDRAY: Oh boy, at last, a break!
MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA: “Please Be Kind”
GREENSLADE: He’s um – very good, you know. Very good indeed!
ORCHESTRA: Long dramatic link
GREENSLADE: Ta. The Sock Jelly Murder: part two
SEAGOON: Stop, stop! Hello folks, hello folks, good news, folks. Whilst Max Geldray was playing, they captured the sock jelly murderer. A man called Arthur Plin
GREENSLADE: I say that’s a bit disappointing for the listeners
THROAT: Never mind, folks. We fill in the time with Ned the Miser
GRAMS: Howling wind
CORNISHMAN (SELLERS): Arrrrr earrrr. You hear that naughty wind? ‘Tis the wind that blows over the Kenneth Moors of the wintertime. People do say that if you holds a nergle in your ‘and and puts one ear hole to the ground, you can hear the wind blowing in the other ear hole. And that’s the house of Miser Ned. Maharharhar harharharhar!
GRAMS: Howling wind up and out
SEAGOON: Aaaaa ha ha ha! Jeeves, throw another unpaid bill in the fire and while you’re about it, throw on a couple of unpaid Freds. Hahaha! The money and power! That’s what I’ve got. Ha. What else have I got?
GRAMS: Howling wind
SEAGOON: The wind! Aaaah! Jeeves, here’s a pencil, go and draw the blinds
JEEVES (MILLIGAN): I arrest you for old jokes
SEAGOON: That was in the Sock Jelly Murder. That’s over. I’m acting(?) ~~~~~~~~. Hahahahaha! Jeeves, pull out the Seagoon’s horde of coins
FX: One coin drops to floor
SEAGOON: Now back in the safe with it! Hahahaha! One penny, hahaha, and it’s tax-free. Hahahahahahaha haahaahaha ha, [chokes]
GREENSLADE: He’s very good, you know, very good indeed. Meantime, with the aid of an ear-trumpet, two men have heard of Miser Ned’s penny, and were heading that way along the old moor road
GRAMS: Horse gallops pulling carriage, screech of breaks, chicken noises
GRYTPYPE: Coachman! Coachman, why have we stopped?
SINGHIZ: Chickens are tired, sir
GRYTPYPE: But gentlemen, my brown paper parcel and I must have shelter for the night. Our underwear is porous
GRYTPYPE: Shut up, you
SPRIGGS: Hands up! Hands up, everyone except me
GRYTPYPE: Blast! It's Ben Turpin. the cross-eyed highwaymen
SPRIGGS: Wrong, Jim. We are uncross-eyed Bow Street runners, and we’re looking for a criminal ventriloquist and his French dummy, Jim
GRYTPYPE: I’m sorry, sir, but we’re clean out of criminal ventwiloquists. Try the stage coach further down the road. They may stock them
SPRIGGS: Right, Jim
GRAMS: Running footsteps fading out
GRYTPYPE: Alright, dear count, you can come out now, they’ve gone
FX: Rattling paper
MORIARTY: Aah! There must be a better way of travelling than this
WILLIUM: I thought so! You’ve been tryin’ to ride free
MORIARTY: Nonsense, nonsense, nice man. Nonsense ~~~~~. I’m a ventriloquist dummy, hahaha!
WILLIUM: You’re real, you talks. And look, you’ve got dandruff on your nut
MORIARTY: I tell you, it’s his
GRYTPYPE: Of course it’s mine. Not only do I throw my voice, I also throw my dandruff
MORIARTY: That is true ~~~~~~~
WILLIUM: I shall have to take down your names…
WILLIUM: Oow, I’ve been sponned, oow!
MORIARTY: Right in his old bazolika dowser(?)! Hahaha
GRYTPYPE: Yes, but you’d better unscrew that lump on his nut. We don’t want to leave any evidence
MORIARTY: Right. Look, Grytpype, there. 4000 miles away, a house with a light in it
GRYTPYPE: And it smells delicious. Go and bring the front door here and I’ll cover you with this forty-five caliber(?) sing
GRAMS: Running footsteps fading away
GRYTPYPE: [Sings a sorrow tune for about 15 sec.]
GRAMS: Running footsteps fading in
MORIARTY: (Ha ha ha ha!) Here, complete with two spare door knockers, one door
GRYTPYPE: What? Hand me my door knocking hat
GRYTPYPE: Now to arouse the occupants
FX: Knock on door
HENRY CRUN: [Off:] Coming, coming!
FX: Footsteps approaching slowly (for 20 sec.)
MORIARTY: He’s coming, sir. He’s coming
FX: Rattling chains and locks
HENRY CRUN: Aaah! Now who was that knocking?
MORIARTY: It was my friend, Grytpype-Thynne
HENRY CRUN: I can’t see him
MORIARTY: That’s because you are playing him
HENRY CRUN: What?
MORIARTY: He’s never here when you’re here
HENRY CRUN: I don’t understand
MORIARTY: Neither do the audience, that’s why it isn’t getting a laugh
HENRY CRUN: Very quiet this evening
MORIARTY: Now listen, old man. We are stranded, you know, stranded
HENRY CRUN: What?
MORIARTY: Yes, our stage coach was suddenly taken ill with a dreadful…
SEAGOON: Mr Crun! Close that door a… I say, who are these three women?
HENRY CRUN: These three women are two men!
GRYTPYPE: Sir, we are fleeing from the advancing German army
SEAGOON: Eh? They gave it in 1945
GRYTPYPE: Ah yes, but we are made of sterner stuff, sir
SEAGOON: I don’t like this at all
SEAGOON: Two strange men arriving in a mist during an equinox of the shins of the anniversary of my legs? Ha. Oh no, it bodes evil, I tell you. There’s an old Gypsy saying… I just can’t think of it at the moment
GRYTPYPE: Sir, my card
SEAGOON: Mr Grytpype-Thynne, king of England, knighthoods done while you wait? You’re the king?
GRYTPYPE: My word, yes
MORIARTY: That is true, Ned
SEAGOON: How do you know my name?
MORIARTY: I met it at a dance
SEAGOON: Who are you?
MORIARTY: Pretender to the throne of France!
SEAGOON: You don’t look like a king
MORIARTY: That’s because I’m only pretending
MORIARTY: Aaaah! Oooow!
GRYTPYPE: Pardon the steam king, Neddie, he’s never been the same since the fall of France
SEAGOON: Why not?
MORIARTY: It fell on me, that’s why!
MORIARTY: Aaaah! Oooow! [French gibberish]
GRYTPYPE: Quiet, you steaming idiot!
MORIARTY: [French gibberish]
GRYTPYPE: Phish too! Now, Ned, you’re rich, yes?
SEAGOON: How did you know?
GRYTPYPE: Moriarty was feeling inside your pockets and he heard you had money
SEAGOON: Ha ha ha ha! See this penny? I own it!
MORIARTY: A penny. Both sides?
SEAGOON: Yes, hard to believe, eh? Haha! No no! Put down that sock full of jelly, no! ~~~~~~~!
GRAMS: Tree crashes down
GRYTPYPE: Good work, steam count. Unscrew his legs so he can’t follow us. Now for the palot. Dear listeners, this penny is valuable. You see, it has been left a million pounds in the will of Neddie’s grandmother. All we have to do now is finish granny
GREENSLADE: Very good, lads. Meantime, forty-thousand miles away in a daub and wattle hut in Mongolia, Ray Ellington is about to play a contortionist in E flat
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET: “That’s My Girl”
GREENSLADE: He’s um – very good, you know, very good indeed. Meantime as Ned the Miser lies unconscious in a pool of unconsciousness, a fiend poacher is at work in the grounds
ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok theme
GRAMS: Bubbling water under gunshots
BLOODNOK: Aaaarough! Aaaaarrough! Aaaaaaouh! Aeough! Ooh, that’s better. [Sings:] Oh Dennis, you eat tonight, that is what you’ll do. You eat tonight. [Stops singing] Now where’s me butler’s revenge frying pan? Ah here
FX: Rattling pans
BLOODNOK: [Sings:] Deee dee dee deeeee. Little fishes from the sea. I’m gonna cook you tonight, my dear. Hooo!
ECCLES: [Off:] My friend, my man!
BLOODNOK: What, what, what?
ECCLES: Don’t you know you’re not allowed to shoot fish
BLOODNOK: Scron me lip glons! What t… Who are you, sir? Explain away that tatty body and those Jacobean legs, please
ECCLES: They’re mine
ECCLES: I’m Mad Dan Eccles
BLOODNOK: Well that explains everything, but it doesn’t help me at all. Well I deny having shot any fish
ECCLES: Aooooooh! I saw you point your gun at that river, and you… BAAANG! [3 sec. pause] You did that
BLOODNOK: What? But I wasn’t shooting naughty fish
ECCLES: Oh yeah?
BLOODNOK: I was shooting the river
ECCLES: Shooting the river?
BLOODNOK: Of course
ECCLES: [Up at mike:] There’s something funny going on here
BLOODNOK: Come away from that audience, Eccles. You don’t know where they’ve been. I can explain everything, Eccles. There’s been a terrible drought in Bagshot and the lads sent me out here to shoot some water. You’ve heard of a Water Shoot, haven’t you, Mad Dan?
ECCLES: No, but I heard of a piece of knotted string
BLOODNOK: Oh. Well, it’s like a piece of knotted string, only it’s called a Water Shoot
BLOODNOK: I don’t think you’re quite with it, you know. However, I’ll play it to you
ECCLES: Play it to me
-GRAMS: Piano accompanies Bloodnok in a 32 sec. rendition of “It’s a Long Way to Tipperary” as follows:
-BLOODNOK: It's a long, long way to Tipparary, It's a military way to go, A long, long way to Tipparary
-BLOODNOK: AaahOoooh! To that Swedish girl I know
-BLOODNOK: That's not the girl I love ~~~ 'cause my heart lies there
-BLOODNOK: A long, long way to Tipparary, 'cause that's were I wonna be
-FX: Gunshot, followed by explosion over...
ECCLES: That was a Water Shoot?
BLOODNOK: In the key of E flat, there’s no law against shooting water, I tell you
ECCLES: Oh no?
ECCLES: I’d better look in my little book and see what is says
FX: Flipping paper in a book
ECCLES: This book belongs to Eccles. OK, you’re in the clear. Yeah. You’re still trespassing though. I’d better take your name down
BLOODNOK: My name? Oh
ECCLES: Come on now
BLOODNOK: Well I, um – Mrs Elizabeth Thuinge
ECCLES: Mrs El – You are woman?
BLOODNOK: Er – Quite so, yes, yes, yes
BLOODNOK: Stay away from me ~~~~~~!
LITTLE JIM: He’s fallen in the water!
ECCLES: We’d better run and tell the master
LITTLE JIM: We’d better run and tell the master!
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic and long link
SEAGOON: Aaah! Ohohoh! Struck down! Aaooh! AAAAAaahohohoho! In me prime yet! Oooohho! oooohho! Hoh
GREENSLADE: He’s very good, you know. That was Mr Seagoon playing Ned the Miser, still unconscious, but, luckily, the long player of his groans have reached the top ten, and a band of young stalwarts are on the way
GRAMS: Fast marching music for 13 sec.
BLUEBOTTLE: Men, halt!
BLUEBOTTLE: Falls on the ground from the shoulders put there
GRAMS: Planks on top of each other. Someone saying: Ha!
BLUEBOTTLE: Men of the third Finchley Wolfscubs… Dung Sproley, don’t do that. We are known as the women savers. Our duty is to crush vice(?) in Finchley
GRAMS: Little boys shouting: Hip hip, hurray hurray. Hip hip, hurray hurray. Hip ray hip ray hip ray!
BLUEBOTTLE: Crush all vice(?) and leave just enough for us. Now, men, breathing exercise. In…
GRAMS: Boys breathing in
BLUEBOTTLE: Ay, Plunton! Draw your stomach in like this
FX: Sliding whistle going down
BLUEBOTTLE: Ooh my trousers!
MIN BANNISTER: Ooooh! Young Bluebottle! Stop that modern-type entertainment at once
BLUEBOTTLE: Oooh, it’s Granny Min from Eastbourne. Hello, Granny Min from Eastbourne
MIN BANNISTER: Hello Young Bottle from Plunge. Your dinner’s in the oven
FX: Door opens
SEAGOON: Aaaaoooooh! Struck down by sock jelly! Aaaaah!
MIN BANNISTER: It’s Neddie! Ooh, he looks a drun. Neddie, let me smell your breath. [Sniffs] Neddie, you’ve been eating again
SEAGOON: Aaaaaah ooooooo!
MIN BANNISTER: Throw away that bottle of vintage food
SEAGOON: Oooh! Granny Min – back from the dead! How long are you staying?
MIN BANNISTER: Me dead? Who said soooooo?
SEAGOON: The man I paid to knock you off. I mean aaaadododoooo!
BLUEBOTTLE: Granny Min, he wants to do you in, Min
SEAGOON: Shut up, you nutty nit or I’ll…
BLUEBOTTLE: Granny Min is gonna belt me with that dirty big saw!
SEAGOON: It’s only made of rubber, lad
MIN BANNISTER: Throw it away
FX: Saw hitting floor
MIN BANNISTER: Ooooh!
HENRY CRUN: Sir, sir, the gamekeeper is outside with a bucket of dead water, sir
ECCLES: Hello, master. This man’s been shooting at your water
BLOODNOK: I warn you, Ned the Miser. I’ll sue you for every penny I owe you, and… Ooooooooh!
MIN BANNISTER: Oooooooh!
BLOODNOK: Oooh oooooooooooooh!
MIN BANNISTER: Oooooooooh!
BLOODNOK: Oooh [with octave:] oooooooooooh!
MIN BANNISTER: Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!
SEAGOON: What’s on the other side?
BLOODNOK: Silence, please. What? It can’t be. Is it?
MIN BANNISTER: Is it? It is. Dennis, isn’t it?
BLOODNOK: Yes, dear heart. Ooooh! And you, my childhood sweetheart number 3-4-5
MIN BANNISTER: Oooh! Then you remember…
BLOODNOK: Of course I remember, my dear. I have a memo on my shin
MIN BANNISTER: Oooooh! Dennis, ooooh! Then you do remember me
BLOODNOK: Of course, darling. You’re Fred Puker, the dustman from Leeds
MIN BANNISTER: Ooh no. Ooh no. I’m Minnie Bannister, the millionairess from Tring
BLOODNOK: Tring, oh even better. Ooh, how well I remember the place, Tring. Tring Tring Tring
FX: Door opens
ELLINGTON: You rang, sir?
BLOODNOK: What? Get out, will you
MIN BANNISTER: But he’s very good
BLOODNOK: Yes, very good
MIN BANNISTER: Very small part, thank you
BLOODNOK: Thank you
MIN BANNISTER: Next week, Manchester
BLOODNOK: Come, Min. Let me hold you close
MIN BANNISTER: Ooooh! Steady now!
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link
GRAMS: Gust of wind, two clock chimes
GREENSLADE: That was two clocks striking one independently and the wind is on loan. In the great Baronial phone box, Ned the Miser is plotting to destroy Min
SEAGOON: Mr Crun, two o clock. Time for your revenge
HENRY CRUN: Alright, we must save my modern Min from ancient Bloodnok
SEAGOON: Yes, here, put this bomb in his coffee
HENRY CRUN: Won’t it keep him awake?
SEAGOON: It will explode him! Hahahahaha!
HENRY CRUN: But Bloodnok is used to explosions
SEAGOON: Not this kind, mate. Off you go. Hahaha. The moment he explodes, I’ll force the old dear to change the will in my favour. Hahahahaha! Hum hum. Hahahahahaa!
GREENSLADE: He’s very good, you know. And so Mr Secombe overacts his way into another summer season at Scunthorpe. Meantime, outside the manor, the counter-plot is about to begin
ORCHESTRA: Showbiz link
MORIARTY: Grytpype, we’re on
GRYTPYPE: Yes. Look, there’s a light in Min’s window. Load the grandmother gun
MORIARTY: And don’t forget, don’t shoot ‘till you see the whites of her corsets
GRYTPYPE: Let’s toss for who does it
MORIARTY: Let’s use the rich penny
GRYTPYPE: Yes, heads or tails?
MORIARTY: Yes, up she goes
FX: Rattling coin
BLOODNOK: Ooooh! Come out, Min, or… hu!
FX: Coin in mug
BLOODNOK: Ooh! I’ve swallowed a penny, I’m rich
MORIARTY: Oh dear, don’t panic, sir. Let’s have a drink together
BLOODNOK: What a fine idea
MORIARTY: Cheers to you and your penny
BLOODNOK: Oh. Caster oil, ooh! And after that coffee, no no!
SEAGOON: Did you say coffee?
HENRY CRUN: Has he drunk it yet, sir?
GRAMS: Long explosion
FX: Coin falls to floor
BLUEBOTTLE: Hey. Eccles?
BLUEBOTTLE: There’s a penny. Let’s go buy lollypops, shall we?
ECCLES & BLUEBOTTLE: [Sing “Pop Goes the Weasel” Fades out]
GREENSLADE: They’re very good, you know. And Yes they appear to have finished, so everyone back to their own beds. Goodnight
ORCHESTRA: “Old Comrades March”
GREENSLADE: They’re very good, you know, very good indeed!
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET: “I’m Beginning to See the Light”