Goon Show Script

The Seagoon Memoirs

Series 9, Episode 7

SCRIPT: LARRY STEPHENS & MAURICE WILTSHIRE. PRODUCTION: JOHN BROWELL. TRANSMISSION: MONDAY 19th DECEMBER 1958


This episode is available on...
Goon Show Compendium 10

[CD Box Set from Amazon]



Bill: This is the BBC Light Program.

Neddie: I liked the way you said that, Wal.

Bill: Oh, thank you.

Neddie: It has a certain dramatic power, you know.

Bill: Mm mm.

Neddie: Alec Guinness could use a man like you.

Bill: What for?

Neddie: Well, dig his garden, mend the bridge ... clean his boots.

Bill: Mr. Seagoon, do I look the sort of man who goes around cleaning people's boots?

Neddie: Show me your tongue.

Bill: Arghh.

Neddie: Yes.

Bill: No no, no, no. No, no, don't get the wrong idea.

Neddie: Nahhoh.

Bill: This black on my tongue is only liquorice.

Neddie: Don't give me that, Wal. Who wears liquorice boots!?

Bill: John Snagge.

Neddie: The mad fashion-crazed fool! Altogether now!

ORCHESTRA: Tattyrah chord, cymbal crash

Neddie: Ah ha ha hoh. Ah ha ha hoh.

Peter: Excuse me, who is the owner of policeman PC 439?

Spike: (way off, calls) I am.

Peter: Well, would you come out and move him, he's holding up the traffic, do you mind?

Neddie: I've got a funny line here, says 'Why, is it coming down?' Ha ha ha ha! Aha (ahem) I shouldn't have said that. (to self) 'Is it coming down?'

Bill: It's the cold weather, you know.

Neddie: Enough of these jocular funny bits, Wal. Jump on this porridge motor bike, and announce the knitting pattern of tonight's woollen programme.

Bill: Right, I wool.

Neddie: Wool done, Wal. Aha ha ha. Wool done. (resigned) I'm goin'.

Bill: This joke is now available on the new breakable record. Why not buy one today and smash it for Christmas. Orchestra? Some Greenslade music, please.

ORCHESTRA: Music setting

Bill: Ladies and gentlemen, we were to have started this week with part one, but, owing to circumstances over which I have no self-control, we are starting with part four. Therefore, we present part four, which, as it now appears first, is re-named part one. Therefore - part three.

Peter: Listeners are requested to make the necessary adjustments.

Neddie: They are also warned to put on dark glasses to protect them from the dazzling glare of Greenslade's nose.

Bill: Yes, because I polish my nose with ...

Spike: Ping!

Neddie: Yes! Always use ...

Spike: Ping!

Neddie: It lasts the whole nose through.

Spike: Ping!

ORCHESTRA: Tattyrah chord, cymbal crash

Spike: Ping.

Bill: To open ...

Spike: Ping.

Bill: ... the scene, we take a knife and cut round the dotted line.

Spike: Oh, ping.

Bill: Inside we find ...

Neddie: Ping. Keep goin' again, Wal.

Bill: ... the Great North Road, in an icy blizzard.

Neddie: A lovely turn.

Bill: Beside the road stand two ...

GRAMS: Blizzard, wind

Bill: (over) ... ragged tremblers trying to thumb a lift.

GRAMS: Blizzard continues, vehicles racing by

Moriarty: (over) Ah ah. Ahyah ya ya. Ah. Ayah. Yeous akalibarsh. Sapristi nabolas! It's no good, Grytpype, they won't stop.

Grytpype: Well of course they won't stop when you keep waving that revolting thing at them.

Moriarty: It's my thumb.

Grytpype: What have you been doing with it?

Moriarty: I've been holding it up on the end of a pole ... and he doesn't like it!

Grytpype: Silence, you steaming heap! You hear me, Moriarty, there is only one way to stop a car.

Moriarty: Ah?

Grytpype: Sex appeal.

Moriarty: Ah.

Grytpype: Sex appeal is the key word.

Moriarty: Yapapapabah.

Grytpype: Now roll up your trouser legs and show them the hairs on your socks.

Moriarty: My socks? But I ate them last night!

Grytpype: All by yourself?

Moriarty: Ayibah.

Grytpype: You greedy French swine! What about me?

Moriarty: Every time I tried to eat you, you kept waking up.

Grytpype: So! Those teeth marks on my underwear were yours!

Moriarty: It was hell in there, I tell you!

Grytpype: What?

Moriarty: I must have money and food! Azoww! Money and food!

Grytpype: Sshh! Quiet!

Moriarty: No ... na chi ... na ...

Grytpype: Something's coming.

Moriarty: I ... pai ...

GRAMS: Vehicle approaches

Moriarty: (over) Hello. It's a hand-operated piano.

GRAMS: Over engine, piano playing

Grytpype: (over) Stop it, Moriarty.

Moriarty: (over engine and piano) I can't, it's a nervous habit.

GRAMS: Piano stops playing, screech of brakes

Grytpype: The piano drew up with a screech of brakes. The lid opened, and a head popped out.

Neddie: Yes, folks. It was mine - it came with the body. The legs I got from a second-hand leg dealer. (calls) Hello, gentlemen. What ails thee?

Grytpype: Tell me, why are you driving that piano, laddie?

Neddie: My chauffeur is ill. He's got a bad case of the nose.

Grytpype: Oh, most painful.

Neddie: Yes, yes.

Grytpype: The Count here often suffers from it.

Moriarty: Yes, noses run in our family. Ha ha ha ha. A merry type joke. Oho ho.

FX: Slapstick

Moriarty: Ah ha jai. Aha. Oh, my crins.

Grytpype: Quiet, you laughing nit, or I'll fetch you one round the knees with this starting handle, do you hear me?

Moriarty: Ah. Ah de jah.

Grytpype: Now, little square bladder.

Neddie: What, what, what what what what what what what?

Grytpype:Now, don't tell me your name, let me guess your face. You are ... Krell Pheen!

Neddie: No, I'm not.

Grytpype: You see, I was right the first time. I never forget a tune.

Neddie: Actually, I'm Ned Seagoon, licenced piano-driver in E-flat, and former hygiene orderly in charge of the Eighth Army ablutions at El Alamein.

Moriarty: Poohh!

Grytpype: What?

Moriarty: Poohh.

Grytpype: Then you must have a shocking tale to unfold.

Neddie: No, it got torn off in the laundry.

Grytpype: Oh. In that case, you must write your war memoirs. You'll make me a fortune.

Neddie: My memoirs! You're right! I'll start immediately, if not before. Have you got any paper?

Grytpype: Yes, but I'm wearing it.

Neddie: Oh. Then I'll write them on this piano. Let's see now, Chapter 1 ...

GRAMS: Piano plays brief melody - scattered notes

Grytpype: Gad! What an exciting story!

Moriarty: Ohhh, ha ha ha. Neddie, you'll get rich. Get Bridget Bardot to pose for that book, it'll be a best seller.

Grytpype: You can have it serialized on television by Winifred Atwell. Well, so long Neddie. We have to go now.

Neddie: Go? Why?

Grytpype: Well, we all have to go sooner or later, don't we Moriarty? Come, get your knees and coat.

Moriarty: Nabawawa.

GRAMS: Whoosh, whoosh

Neddie: Well, folks, I must carry on writing my memoirs, but to keep you amused, the attendants will pass around little rubber replicas of Max Geldray's conk.

Max: Oh boy, my conk is twice as popular since I polished it with ...

Spike: Ping!

Neddie: (off) Ping!

MUSIC: Max Geldray plays 'I Kiss Your Little Hand Madame'.

APPLAUSE

ORCHESTRA: Music link

Bill: And now, if I stand facing east, I can get a perfect view of part two. The scene: a Labour Exchange, where a queue of retired Field Marshalls are lining up to draw their pensions.

Peter (Cockney): 'Ere, stop that shovin' 'ere!

Harry: Lor', take your ... take your turn like everybody else.

Spriggs: Stand aside. Stand aside, Ji-im! I am Field Marshall Spriggs, I tell you. I want to get to the front.

Peter (Cockney): You never wanted to get there in the war, did ya, eh? Ahh. What, 'ere.

Spriggs: Al lies, all lies folks. All lies, folks.

Peter (Cockney): Look at 'at, Charlie, eh?

Harry: You're dead right, Fred. Aha. You're dead right there, Fred. Ha ha ha.

Spriggs: Are you calling me a coward?

Harry: Yeah, I'm a-call you a coward.

Spriggs: You're a liar. I'm a retired coward, DSO. And bath-chair and steam.

Peter (Clerk): Here we are. Retired coward's pension - seventeen and fourpence.

FX: Coins on desk

Spriggs: Oh, thank you madam.

Peter (Clerk): (Flowerdew) You're welcome Cheeky.

Spriggs: Perhaps I was wrong. Oh, the pension.

FX: Gathering coins

Grytpype: Field Marshall Spriggs?

Spriggs: Ye-e-e-es?

Grytpype: My name is Hercules Grytpype-Thynne.

Spriggs: From the book of the same name.

Grytpype: Of course. First impression. And ...

Spriggs: You'll sell well.

Grytpype: ... the empty stomach in this rag waistcoat belongs to none other than Count 'Rumbles' ...

GRAMS: Bubbles

Moriarty: (over) Abalahoww,

Grytpype: ... Moriarty, champion barbed-wire hurdler, until his tragic accident.

Minnie: Ohh.

Grytpype: Now listen, Field Marshall. Gunner Seagoon, former ablutions orderly at El Alamein, is writing his war memoirs. In them he reveals the true facts about the hygiene of the General Staff.

Spriggs: Ohh. Then the world will know the facts about Montgomery's socks.

Grytpype: Worse than that!

Spriggs: Nothing.

Grypype: He intends to tell the secrets of the military laundry.

Spriggs: Oh, Jim. My career is ruined. As a Field Marshall I will have ... be finished for ever! I shall be asked to resign from my unemployment queue. Are you sure about this, Jim?

Grytpype: Yes, at this very moment Seagoon is writing the last chapter, on a rosewood piano on the Great North Road.

Spriggs: Bring me that piano alive and this ten shillings is yours, Jim.

Grytpype: So it is! It's got my name on it.

Spriggs: What is your name?

Grytpype: My name is Mr. Ten Shillings.

Spriggs: Any relation to the pound?

Grytpype: My half brother, you see.

Spriggs: Of course! Bring me that piano at once in the key of G.

Gryptpype: Very well. Come, Moriarty.

Moriarty: Ahyaha.

GRAMS: Whoosh, whoosh

Bill: And now, part three. A Welsh roundabout on the Great North Road.

Neddie: Hello folks! Whoops! (aside) Nearly went, there. Hello folks! I've finished writing my memoirs. Just listen to this last paragraph.

ORCHESTRA: Piano plays scattered notes for 5 seconds

Neddie: Like it? Aha ha ha. Ah yes, this will earn me a fortune, if not a five-tune or a six-tune. Or a seven-tune. (ahem)

Willium: 'Ay. 'Scuse me, sir, there's someone to see ya.

Neddie: Who is it?

Willium: Me!

Neddie: Well, ask you to come in.

Willium: I am in.

Neddie: Then get out!

Willium: Ah oh, 'ere, 'ere.

Neddie: Yeh oh.

Willium: Ma'ey ay.

Neddie: Eyeh ooh.

Willium: You can't get rid 'o me as easy as that, I tell ya. I come from the Borough a-Council to collect .. the rent what is ... er, what you owe.

Neddie: What rent?

Willium: The rent for da Great North Road. You can't kip 'ere for nothin, you know. It's fourteen an' a tanner.

Neddie: What? Fourteen and a tanner for an unfurnished road, with outside plumbing?

Willium: Yern. And what's more, you are responsible for doing the decorations, you are. You'll 'ave to repaint that white line, matey.

Neddie: I refuse to pay, matey.

Willium: Then I shall be forced to distrain upon your furniture.

Neddie: You filthy swine!

Willium: Eh?

Neddie: Anyway, all I have is this piano.

Willium: Well, that'll do. I shall confriscrinate it, and sell it for the value o' da rent. (calls) Charlie?

Spike (old): Yes?

Willium: Take it away.

Spike (old): Git up there. Git up.

GRAMS: Cracking of whip

Spike (old): Oww, me nut!

GRAMS: Chickens clucking, and piano odd notes

Neddie: In a trice, they harnessed my piano to a huge piebald chicken, and drove it away. (saddened) Ohhh. My priceless memoirs gone. All that work for nothing. (overcome) Grief! Mourning! Over-acting!

ORCHESTRA: Music link

Bill: Well, things are beginning to move now. You see ...

Spike: Ohohoho!

Bill: While you've been as ... while you've been asleep, the piano has been sold by public auction, to a retired elephant sexer.

FX: Door being opened and closed repeatedly

Minnie: (over, calls) Oh. Hello? Are you there, Henry? Henry? (off) Henry? Henry? Oh dear, dear, dear. (approaching) Oh dear, dear. Henry? (off) Henry?

FX: Door movement stops

Minnie: Oh, oh, he's bought a piano. (calls) Henry? (off) Henry?

Henry: What? What is it, Min?

Minnie: Where are you, cocky?

Henry: I'm in the piano, modern Min.

Minnie: What are you doing in there without a chaperone?

Henry: What?

Minnie: You know you're too old for that sort of G-string thing.

ORCHESTRA: Strumming piano strings

Minnie: (over) Come out, so.

Henry: (over strings) Right, Min, I'm coming, Min.

ORCHESTRA: Piano stops

Minnie: Oh, Henry, after all these years, our own ... our own piano.

Henry: Yes, all our own, Min. At last we can take a bath.

Minnie: (excited) Weeeeeeee!

Henry: Oh.

Minnie: (sings, together with foot tapping) Splish, splash, I was having a bath, round about a Saturday night, deem num anum apapoh eenum ...

Henry: Contain yourself, Min, contain yourself.

Minnie: I'm going now, buddy. (sings) Oh, bim biddle oh ...

Henry: (over singing) You've had too much Indian brandy, Min.

Minnie: (sings) Myup amanum doh.

Henry: Stop that wicked spasm dancing, will you. Now then, we must fill the piano with water. Fetch me the tap, Min.

Minnie: Just by chance, here it is.

GRAMS: Water rushing, continues under

Minnie: (over) Ohh, wonderful.

Henry: Oh, yes.

Minnie: You realise now we shall have to buy some carbolic.

Henry: I've got some carbolic, Min.

Minnie: What the ... heh ... where, where?

Henry: In the ...

Minnie: Where, where is the carbolic, where?

Henry: I got to buy ... here.

Minnie: (angry) You've never given me the carbolic before!

Henry: (angry) Well, I don't have to show it to you if I don't want to!

Minnie: (angry) You should have!

Henry: What?

Minnie: We've ... (gibberish at high speed)

Henry: Ohh. Ohh.

Minnie: Well, where is it?

Henry: In the safe, that's where it is. Don't you remember? My Uncle Cecil left it to me in his will.

Minnie: You fool of a man.

Henry: What, what?

Minnie: You fool of a man. You know that Myrtle Kernitt got the soap. And we got the house-brick.

Henry: Well, we shall have to wash ourselves with a house-brick then.

Minnie: Ohh. Oh, the piano um ... the piano's nearly full, Henry.

Henry: Good, good, right, turn it down.

GRAMS: Rushing water slows, stops

Minnie: Ooh, dah, ooh.

Henry: Now, just to test the water, Min.

Minnie: (smacking of lips) Tastes delicious.

Henry: Then ... don't drink it, you silly old thing. Lend me your toe, Min. Just dip it in.

FX: Quick buzz

Minnie: Ohhhhh! Ohh, the ploo, the ploo!

Henry: Oh. It's too cold, I can't get into that, Min. It would turn my trousers blue.

Minnie: Well, we'll have to heat the water, buddy.

Henry: Yes, I'll light a fire under the piano, Min.

FX: Match being struck

Minnie: Right, now.

GRAMS: Fire crackling

Minnie: (over) Careful with those matches, they're not insured against fire, you know.

Henry: I know.

Minnie: You ...

Henry: There, it's ... doing nicely now.

FX: Knocking on door

Minnie: (over) Oh.

Henry: What, what?

Minnie: Ohh!

Henry: Oh.

Minnie: Pickapow!

Henry: Poh.

Minnie: Pickapow! Ut pickapow! Nyip.

Henry: Wha ... what?

Minnie: Put ... it's ... it's the door. It wants to come in.

Henry: Oh. It must have forgotten its key, I'll just ...

Minnie: Key of E-flat.

Henry: Put on my ... door opening hat.

FX: Door opens

Neddie: Good morning.

Henry: Mor-ning.

Minnie: Mor-ning, sir.

Neddie: Mor-ning.

Henry: Mor-ning.

Neddie: Mor-ning.

Minnie: Good mor-ning.

Henry: Mor-ning.

Minnie, Henry & Neddie: (continue as above for a further 12 seconds)

Neddie: Good morning.

Minnie: Good heavens ...

Neddie: Well now, I ...

Henry: Mor-ning.

Neddie: Mor-ning. Mor-ning.

Bill: Mor-ning.

Henry: Well, it passes the time, doesn't it?

Neddie: Yes, that's another thirty seconds gone. Now ... I hear you bought a piano today.

Minnie: That's right, young man.

FX: Bring up fire crackling

Minnie: (over) It's in the morning room.

Henry: Huh! Min! Sound the alarm! Send for the fires brigade!

Minnie: Tipadoo, wickadoo, wha ... what's happened? What's happened?

Henry: The water's caught fire, and it's burning the piano down!

Minnie: Ohh!

Henry: Ohh!

Neddie: Stand back while I throw on this bucket of Ray Ellington!

MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON SINGS 'The Late, Late Show'.

APPLAUSE

Bill: That was, of course, Ray Ellington, the bed-ridden tap-dancer. And now, part three.

ORCHESTRA: Brief fanfare, ragged and off-key

Bill: We return you to Mr.Crun's front parlour, where Seagoon's piano is still blazing merrily away.

GRAMS: Fire crackling, continues under ...

Neddie: (over) Oh, my piano, my memoirs, oh horrors! I must play this record of a fire brigade.

GRAMS: Fire engine bells and engine aproaching, screech of brakes, running footsteps approach, stop, then Eccles (pre-recorded, played fast) saying 'Ah. Where's the fire?'

Neddie: Here!

GRAMS: Eccles (pre-recorded, played fast) saying 'Just a minute. I'll get down off this record. Hup!'

FX: Jumping onto floor

Eccles: Woh! My voice has dropped as well. Ahoh! Well, what's goin' on here, what's goin' on, hey, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh?

Neddie: My piano's on fire.

Eccles: Oh, I better write dat down in my note-book. C-A-T, cat.

Neddie: No, no - piano. I want you to put it out.

Eccles. Oh. I can only spell 'cat', so I'll 'ave to put the cat out. Ha ha.

Neddie: But the cat isn't on fire.

Eccles: What? Den what did you send for me for?

Neddie: Because, you booted idiot, my piano is on fire.

Eccles: Fire, quick, (calls) jump into dis sheet! Go on! Jump, I'll catch you!

Neddie: (not amused) I'm standing on the floor.

Eccles: Oh well, get on a chair, den. Now, jump!

Neddie: Hup!

FX: Jumping onto floor

Neddie: Hurrah! Saved! Aha ha ha.

Eccles: Ha. Well, I'll be off now. Any time.

FX: Door closes

GRAMS: Fire crackling continues

Neddie: (over) Oh. What a calamity! My piano burned to the ground, oh, oh, oh! Acting, pathos, tears, Pagliacci! The paint and the powder! (sings) On a-with ...

Bill & Neddie: (both sing) ... the motley, the paint and the powder ...

Bill: Right.

Neddie: (continues singing 'On With the Motley')

Bill: (over) Look, that ... all ... that's ... that's quite ... that's quite enough, thank you very much.

Neddie: Sorry, Wal, I was just gettin' a bit o' the old operatic there. (raspberry)

Bill: Now, if you'll step into this rubber duck-pond, I will tell you what happens next. It's Part Four.

Neddie: Oh!

Bill: In a secret chemical laboratory, a chemical experiment is taking place.

ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok's theme

GRAMS: Water boiling, explosion, water boiling

Bloodnok: (over second water boiling, off) Ohh!

GRAMS: Explosion

Bloodnok: (off) Ohhhhh!

GRAMS: Explosion

Bloodnok: (off, approaching) Oh. Oh. There must be a cure for it, you know. (calls) Singhiz! Singhiz!

Singhiz: Eh? What?

Bloodnok: Sweep up the debris, will you.

Singhiz: What?

Neddie: (calls, off) Major Bloodnok!

Bloodnok: What? Don't point yourself at me sir, I might go off.

Neddie: What are you doing in this laboratory?

Bloodnok: (indignant) How dare you! (normal) What? I was just doing an experiment, sir.

Neddie: Oh.

Bloodnok: I was finding out what happens when you mix hot Bombay Duck and curried gunpowder. Ohhohoho! Oh! Oh dear! Yes. Wait a ... a ... oh ... oh ... wait ... wait. Where's me old photographs? Cor struth! Aren't you Lance Sweeper Seagoon of the Fourteenth Cavalry Followers?

Neddie: Yes. (aside) I've lost me bucket. (normal) And I need your help. You see, I've ... I've written my memoirs.

Bloodnok: (shocked) Ee what? It's a lie, I tell you, it's a lie! I wasn't in that wardrobe! In any case, I was waiting for a bus, you see.

Neddie: But I haven't mentioned you ...

Bloodnok: Colonel's daughter ... what?

Neddie: I ... I haven't mentioned you, sir.

Bloodnok: Oh, oh, well, it was somebody else.

Neddie: Anyway ... yes, yes, yes. My memoirs have been burned, and ... and they were worth a fortune.

Bloodnok: A fortune? But surely you kept a copy?

Neddie: Only in my head.

Bloodnok: Oh! Then we must take your head to a publisher at once. I'll just get my ... hat and coat and trousers and ... socks, vest and underpants ... (fades)

Bill: Seagoon pulls up a comfortable tiger and sits down to wait. But hist! Let us listen awhile at this open drain.

GRAMS: Wading through water

Moriarty: (over, sings) Moonlight and roses, for all the power that was given to me ...

Grytpype: Hush, Moriarty. Did you hear that mouth-type talking?

GRAMS: Water movement stops

Grytpype: Neddie has kept a copy of the memoirs in his head.

Moriarty: What? Then we must steal his head at once.

Grytpype: Yes. But who can we get to do it?

Moriarty: Wait! I know just the brave, intrepid lad. Forward, lad.

Bluebottle: It's a duck! It is not, it's Super-Bottle!

Grytpype: Simmer down.

Moriarty: Listen, Super-Bottle ...

Bluebottle: What?

Moriarty: Get Seagoon out of that laboratory, and a fortune in sherbet suckers ... is yours.

Bluebottle: Ohh, ecstasy! For two sherbet suckers, Freda Niggs is mine tonight!

Moriarty: I gave her three last night! Ha ha ha ha. Right, let's go through this sound effect of a door opening.

FX: Door opens

Bluebottle: Men of the East Finchley Elastic Boy Scouts ...

Little Jim: Yes.

Bluebottle: By da left, both feet forward putting, quick go!

GRAMS: Many boots marching

Bluebottle: (over) Halting, by placing feet in de stop position, halt stop.

GRAMS: Marching boots stop

Neddie: What, what, what, what, what, what,what, what, what, what's this? A piece of bread and jam with a sticky boy on the end?

Bluebottle: Men, corks in pop-guns put. Guns at Neddie, point. Hands up, Neddie, you're our prisoner.

Eccles: Yeah. Hands up, Neddie, you are our prisoner.

FX: Pop

Eccles: Ooh, how did that get out, ah!

Bluebottle: Shut up, Eccles, you nit.

Neddie: Eccles - I thought you were a fireman.

Eccles: Yeah, but I ... I ... I ... somebody put me out, and they gave me the part of a Boy Scout.

Neddie: Which part of a Boy Scout?

Eccles: (whistles) Whistle ... (whistles) The whistle.

Neddie: Oh.

Bluebottle:Alright, Mr. Sea-man, we've captured him.

Moriarty: Well done. Here's a pair of braces for your trouble.

Bluebottle: What trouble?

Moriarty: Your trousers keep falling down!

Bluebottle: Oh.

Moriarty: Ha ha ha ha. They're still with that type. Aha ha ha. The little jokule.

ORCHESTRA: Tattyrah chord, cymbal snap

Neddie: Hello, folks. The fiends took me by force to the offices of Norbet Nark, Publisher.

Norbet: Ah. Oh.

Moriarty: Ah. Bonjour mon Anglais ami. Bonjour. Je avec ici ...

Norbet: Ah. Oh.

Moriarty: A copy of a tres interesting homme, you may like to publish.

Norbet: Ah? Let me read him.

Moriarty: Right.

Norbet: He's not pseudo Tudor with the shingle elevation, is he?

Moriarty: Only in the mating season.

Norbet: Oh.

Neddie: He laid me on the desk, and the publisher quickly thumbed through me.

FX: Turning pages

Norbet: Ah. Yes.

FX: Pages stop

Norbet: He's quite fascinating. Thrilling and very well written. Of course, we may have trouble with the censors, he's rather dirty in parts, you know. How does he end?

Moriarty: Oh, you know, the usual way.

Norbet: Gentlemen, I'll publish him!

Neddie: What? Oh no you won't! I refuse to be published!

FX: Door opens

Bloodnok: You swines! You've stolen my Neddie! Hands up!

Moriarty: Too late, huzzah! Drop your gun!

GRAMS: Heavy object thuds to the floor

Bloodnok: Drop that lamp-post!

GRAMS: Metallic clang

Grytpype: Drop that gas-works!

GRAMS: Building crashes to the ground

Neddie: Drop that Eiffel Tower!

GRAMS: Metallic building crashes to the ground

Grytpype: Drop that English Seminar!

GRAMS: Heavy splash

Neddie: Drop that ink-well!

GRAMS: Large bell being struck

Grytpype: Drop that explosion!

GRAMS: Explosion

Bill: But it was no use. Soon afterwards Seagoon was published in an edition of four thousand copies, and, as from tomorrow, will be on sale at all leading book-sellers and second-class slipper-baths. Give your friends a Seagoon for Christmas - they probably deserve it. Goodnight all.

ORCHESTRA: 'Old Comrades' March for 35 seconds, then playout