Goon Show Script

Ned's Chinese Legs

Series 10, Episode 3

Transcribed by Steve Dale.


This episode is available on...

Vol. 26: Bank Statement No. 349

[CD from Amazon]



Wal: This is the BBC. Now a moment of Musical Twittering.

GRAMS: 'IN A MONISTORY GARDEN' AT VARIOUS SPEEDS., MAIN THEME WHISTLED; MIX IN CHICKENS,

Spike: (over above, very 'stiff-upper'lip') Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting the Reverend John Sellars.

Peter: (Very Loud American Preacher) Mah friends, frinds and fronds. Now will you all open your bankbooks and sing with me, 'Bank Statement No. 349'!

GRAMS: CROWD OF MOURNERS.

Peter: It is written in Red, friends! Thou shalt not overdraw! There is a word of hope! And the word IS....!

Spike: (quaintly) "Fon!"

Peter: Yes; 'Fon!' This word Fon was invented by Mr Tom Danglers of Cox!

Tom Danglers: (Harry) Yes, for many years now, I have felt the need for a new word in our language. For days and nights I lay awake thinking. Then suddenly, in a blinding flash of inspiration, I seen this word...'Fon'! So up I got and wrote it down! It did look good, even in the dark! In the light of the morning it was still there, and I knew the word 'Fon' was here to stay. I am very well pleased with it; thank you, and ta!

Peter: Thank you sir! And now, my dear friends, Mr Mueler, the quarn hump, will now lead you all in saying 'Fon!"

Spike: (same as before) After me now friends, (ahem) - (sings) 'Fon'...

OMNES: Fon...

Spike: Fo-ho-hon...

OMNES: Fo-ho-hon...

Spike: Fo-ho-ho-ho-hon...

OMNES: Fo-ho-ho-ho-hon...

Spike: Fohhhhn!

OMNES: Fohhhhn!!

Spike: ...Oh, we're having fon tonight folks! And now over to Tom 'Motorcar' Sellars!

Peter: (mad laugh) I'm finished with cars you know; silly things! I'm down to one motorcar a week, folks!

GRAMS: CAR TAKES OFF

Peter: (over above) Ahhahahah! That car! I must have it! (ad libs mad laughs etc...)

Spike: It's true folks! But wait!! What is this approaching?

Doctor: (Peter) It's the unexpired portion of a human body on an African Safari called Martin Clodd!

GRAMS: AFRICAN WELCOME SONG, JUNGLE DRUMS ACCOMPANIMENT...

Ned: STOP!!

GRAMS: OUT

African Chief: (Ray) (shouting) Bah Tula! Meda Aluah! Ba da dula nyipps, Gagdua baybadayimbaduega!

Ned: (quietly) I see! Carstairs; tell him I don't understand what he is saying!

Carstairs: (Spike) Right. Er...Gah ah tua, vat-u malu, mutakiop.

Chief: Yahde?! Meyoudd! Mega ta Alla! Magutab Da Alleb!

Carstairs: He says he doesn't understand what he is saying either!

Ned: It's near enough for jazz!

Grytpype: Wait a moment! Lift up your shirt!

FX: RIPPPPP!

Ned: (screams) Whoops!!

Grytpype: Just as I thought! You're three men called....(huge announcement) HARRY SECOMBE!!!

ORCHESTRA: 'I'M JUST WILD ABOUT HARRY' IN 2/4, HUGE RENDITION.

GRAMS: GIGANTIC CROWD CHEERING....

Spike: (as cheers die) Oh, he's not as popular as he used to be folks!

Ned: What-what-what-what-what? That's against my knees I tell you! According to my 'Tin' ratings, I'm still top of the tree!!

GRAMS: TREE FALLING

Spike: (over above) TIMBERRRRRR!!

Grytpype: You're Doctor Livingstone I presume?

Ned: Yes, that's it! I'm Doctor Livingstone I presume! Spelt...

GRAMS: (at various speeds) L-I-V-I-N-G-S-T-O-N-E-(short rasperry!)

Wal: Ta! Ladies and Gentlemen. We present the Labour Exchange of the air. If you look in your Radio Times, you will see, with the aid of a powerful magnifying glass, the name 'Goon Show'. Let it be so!

GRAMS: CROWD CHEERING. STOPS SUDDENLY.

Bluebottle: Hooray!

GRAMS: CROWD CHEERING AGAIN

Bluebottle: Hooray!

GRAMS: CROWD CHEERING AGAIN

Bluebottle: Hooray!

FX: BLUEBOTTLE BEING HIT.

Bluebottle: Ahhhgh!

Ned: Right in the old credentials! Part One! A jet-black coalsack in the Hebridies.

Grytpype: Happy New McYear Moriarty!

Moiarty: You said that last year!

Grytpype: This is an encore, do you hear me! To think we are two hundredweight of anthracite. What a perfect disguise for us Moriarty.

Moriarty: Two Hundredweight yes, but you only let me be four ounzes!

Grytpype: I thought of the idea, I deserve the lions share!

Moriarty: I didn't know lions shared anthacite, Grytpype!

Grytpype: How do you think they keep warm all the winter?

GRAMS: BAGPIPES SLUR UP TO PROPER PLAYING SPEED. PETER DOES A VERY GOOD IMPRESSION OF A HAIRY SCOTSMAN TALKING OVER...

Grytpype: Hark Moriarty! A merry Hogmanay singer! Open la Fenetre!

FX: WINDOW SLID OPEN...

Grytpype: Here lad!

FX: PIANO LANDS ON PIPER..HUGE CRASH. PIPER SCREAMS, PIPES RUN DOWN.

Grytpype: Right in the haggis! Moriarty! I can hear a twit in Part Two- who is two parts twit!

GRAMS: FADE IN WELSH COALMINERS' CHOIR, SINGING 'A WELCOME IN THE HILLSIDE'.

Ned: (sings with the recording; recording speeds up, and Harry desperately attempts to sing up with it. Finally admits defeat and blows a raspberry!) Ah, Wales! Land of my forefathers and Moby Dick! Three mothers, two man-Eccles, (sings) and a partridge in a pear tree! Fatang!!

OMNES: FATANG FATING...FATONG....ETC...

Ned: Ah, Wales, land of song; land of certain things! A good job we got out of England before they swallowed it! (laughs)

Grytpype: I recognise those reeking lethal brandy fumes! It's Ned of Wales! Neddy, as your personal adviser, I must advise you to see me at once, whichever you prefer!

Ned: What? What-what-what-what- -I-I-I-I-I don't quite understand!

Grytpype: We've no time to waste! Meet me outside Buckingham Palace!

Ned: Where's that?

Grytpype: Follow that sickening trail of OBE's, and it'll lead you straight there! But first, a certain NOSE!

Max Gelgray: It's me folks! Play that Conks of Highgate arrangement, Wally of Kensington! Plugie!

MAX & ORCHESTRA: MUSIC

(applause)

Wal: That was Mr Max Gelgray. I didn't think he looked well when he started! Now, Wal of Waybridge announces Part Two! Thynne decides to visit Ned of Wales. (sings on one note) W-A-L-E-S!

Grytpype: Taxi!!

FX: EXPLOSION

Singes: Where to sir?

Grytpype: Are you the Prime Minister of England?

Singes: No sir, my turn next week!

Grytpype: Good. Now driver, run me to Wales.

Singes: Hold my hand sir!

FX: TWO SETS OF BOOTS RUN AWAY...CAR SPEEDS AWAY...TRUCK SPEEDS OFF....HORSE GALLOPS AWAY...SHRIEK OF TRAIN WHISTLE, TRAIN SWIFTLY PULLS AWAY....MOTORBIKE ROARS AWAY....HORSE AGAIN....BIKE AGAIN...JET PLANE ROARS OVERHEAD....FOOTSTEPS HURRY UP AND SLUR TO A STOP...

Grytpype: (panting) There MUST be a shorter way!

Singes: There is, but it doesn't take so long!

Ned: Ahoy good men; welcome to Wales!

Moriarty: You're welcome to it too!

Ned: What-what-what-what-what!? Take that!

FX: THUDDD!

GRAMS: STARTLED CHICKEN

Grytpype: What a FOUL blow Ned!!! (this line was delivered in a deeply moving way, and the audience were killing themselves with laughter!)

Moriarty: Neddie; according to the record, we have discovered that you were NOT born in Wales!

Ned: (huge howl of anguish!)

Grytpype: Don't take it so bad Ned!

Ned: But I AM Welsh I tell you! (sings) Sospan Bach! (shouting) I AM Welsh! I was born at the mont I tell you! I've got corn in my socks! I can even pronounce the name of that Welsh railway station...erm....erm....Cardiff! There!!!

ORCHESTRA: GOON CHORD

Ned: That's a catchy tune! Play it again!

ORCHESTRA: SAME GOON CHORD

Ned: Gad, they'll all be whistling it tomorrow!

ORCHESTRA: WHISTLES ONE NOTE, CLOSE TO THE GOON CHORD.

Ned: Listen! It's tomorrow! (laughs) I must find out the truth of my birth. Now what is my birth certificate say?

Wal: Welsh!

Ned: Then what is my nationality?

Grytpype: Your nationality Ned; well, you were born astride the Chinese-India border.

Ned: This is terrible!

Grytpype: I didn't write it!

Ned: Which half of me is chinese?!

Grypype: It's your legs Ned! They were hanging over the border when you were born!

Ned: My dear legs! Chinese!? I don't believe it!

Grytpype: I'll give you my advice Ned, but first sing this blank cheque.

Ned: (sings) Ten Pounds!

Grytpype: A little higher Ned,

Ned: (sings) Fifteen-Pounds-Ten!

Grytpype: A little higher to give it - oomph!

Ned: (sings) Twenty Pounds!

Grytpype: Now Ned, as high as you can sing!!

GRAMS: HARRY SINGS AT DOUBLE SPEED: 'ONE - HUNDRED - POU-OUNDS!!!!!'

Grytpype: Splendid! Now Ned, my advice to you is to get a passport for those chinese legs; you'll finally re-intern! Until then Neddie, you must walk on your hands or you will be guilty of legs.

Ned: Right....uh....hup!! (stands on his hands; sound of cowbells!)

Moriarty: Just get these boots on your hands, Ned.

Ned: (makes various straining noises, then) How's that?

Moriarty: It suits you Neddie! Now, wait here, Ned.....

GRAMS WHOOSH, WHOOSH

ORCHSTRA: GONG........

Wal: Part Two. In an attempt to solve the mystery of his legs' nationality, Neddie Seagoon goes to the registrar of military legs certificates on the British-India frontier.

ORCHESTRA: BLOODNOK THEME

(dead silence)

Bloodnok: I'm cured!! I'm cured! Ohhhh! Not a sound!! Oh! I can go to parties again!!!!

Gladys:(Ray) Pardon me Major.

Bloodnock: What is it, Gladys?

Gladys: Time for you to dress sir; there's a dinner tonight, and Lord and Lady Hamilton are coming. What shall I lay out?

Bloodnok: You lay out Lord Hamilton and leave her to me would you! Oohhhh!! The full treatment!

FX: HEAVY FAST KNOCK.

Bloodnok: (panic) Ohhhohohohohohoho!!!!! The police!

Gladys: Major, there are other people!

Bloodnok: Not in my life!

FX: DOOR RATTLES

Bloodnok: Come in, sound effects Man!

FX: DOOR OPENS; POP!

Bloodnok: Ohh, you too!?

Eccles: Me too? There's only one of me!!!

Bloodnok: And the world is grateful! What is you name??

Eccles: Um....oh....got it on a bit of....um....oh.....oh, Eccles!!!

Bloodnok: What name?

Eccles: I forget now, I got a bad memory! I got a letter for you in my boot!

Bloodnok: Ohhh, a footnote!!! (this is a classic Goon Gag, and the audience lapped it up!!) But wait, what have you got in that crate on your head?

Eccles: You noticed it then?! I've got fifteen statues of Jane Mansfield inside.

Bloodnok: But whatever for?

Eccles: Well, you never know! One day some smart-alec might say to me, "I suppose you've got fifty statues of Jane Mansfield in that crate!" And I'll say "Yes I have!!" And he's going to look pretty stupid!!!

Bloodnok: Gladys! Out with your arrangement, and quell him with a tune of mhell!

Gladys: (close to mic) Oh dear, dear, dear, I don't know what's coming next, I really.....

RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET AND ORCHESTRA: 'THAT'S THE TIME WHEN I'M WITH YOU'

Wal: That was Mrs Gladys Ellington, the famous Irish Tenor!

Spike: We now come to part three (hums) in which we find the orchestra missing.

(gap! the audience fill it with applause!)

Ned: I walked around England on my hands for three years. And no sign of Grytpype Thynne and the promised passport. I decided to visit the registrar of births in India, to find out my true position.

Bloodnok: Upside down!!

Ned: Major! I've just arrived by first-class brown paper parcel!

Bloodnok: Save the string lad; I have a grandma who's never seen a piece! (sings) That old stringless grandma of miiiiiiine!

Ned: Have you a record of my birth?

Bloodnok: Yes!

GRAMS: BABY CRYING.

Ned: Beautiful! Let's dance!

Bloodnok: Not standing on your hands Ned, the other way around, please!

Ned: Sorry .... oh.... augh....ah, that's better!

Jim Spriggs: Hands up Jeeem! I arrest you for standing on British ground!

Bloodnok: It's the British Leg Police!

FX: NED BEING CHAINED UP

Ned: I say, look here, what is this!? I can't walk around with this chain around my legs!

Jim: Those chinese legs are prisoners of England! Your top half can go free Jim - (sings) Top-half-free!

Wal: Meantime, in China...

ORCHESTRA: GONGGGGGG!

GRAMS & OMNES: CROWD OF CHINAMEN TALKING, MIX IN POPS AND THUDS.

Chinese 1: (Harry) Thank you flends! I hlave blad news! We have discovered that there are one pair of chinese legs in prison out theilr in Blitish India! We must clapture them and bling them black to modern Chilna - Land of Flee Legs!!

OMNES: CHINESE AGREEMENT SOUNDS.

Grytpype: Just a minute! My friend and I can get those legs back for a certain payment!

Chinese 1: Hip hip...

Very small group: Hoolay!!

ORCHESTRA: GONGGGGG. PETER PLAYING PIANO VERY BADLY, WITH SPIKE ADDING LITTLE BASS BITS.

Wal: That night, under a Chinese Moon, and an Indian Sun, and a Catford St Lamp, a raiding party led by Moriarty, crept up on Ned's sleeping legs!

Bloodnok: (snoring)

Ned: (stage whisper) Psst! Bloodnok!

Bloodnok: (awakes) No I'm not....Oh! What is it darling?

Ned: There's a hand on the end of my leg!

Bloodnok: Strange! I've got feet on the end of mine!

Moriarty: Stand up Neddie! And give up those Chinese Legs!

FX: NED'S LEGS UNSCREWING.

Ned: What what what what what! I say look here, stop unscrewing my legs at once!

Moriarty: Don't move Neddie! This finger is loaded with bones!!

FX: WHOOSH; CLANK!

Ned: (horrified) My legs! Gone! Gone and never called me Mother!

Bloodnok: Never mind lad; get this pair of skates under you, and off you go!

FX: NED'S SKATES.

GRAMS: (Over above) NED SHOUTING: "I DEMAND LEG JUSTICE!!", REPEAT WITH VARIATIONS, SPEED UP AND FADE OUT...

Wal: The loss of his legs was brought to the notice of the United Nations.

FX: GAVEL

Crun: Gentlemen...ah, that's got that nail in. Members....the....um....the....subject for the question...Over Seagoon's Legs....

Old Uncle Oscar: Oarachhhhhh.....Errrchch......aahhhahahh.....

FX: THUDDDD!

Min: Ooh,....he's dead Henry!

Crun: What, again?! Who is he?

Min: I don't know. Oh, there's a lable on his foot!

Crun: What does it say, Min?

Min: 'This is a foot'!

Ned: Never mind about his foot, what about my legs?

American:(Peter) As an American representative, and major shareholder in UNO, I suggest we send a marine task force, the American Sixth Fleet, John Browns' Body, the Fifth Amendment, Marilyn Munro, New wide-screen version of Fred Hur in spontillican colour, and restore the status-quo of this man's life for democracy, for to save the chinese and show the tender shred of true love that lives on Wall Street and Time Magazine, and all those things in America that we all hold precious, and that precious American quality, called MONEY!!!

GRAMS: CROWD OF MOURNERS.

Wal: Ta. Part Four. The great World War Three for Neddie's Legs.

GRAMS: TUMULT OF WAR. FADES UNDER JOHN SNAGG (pre-recorded) (John Snagg: 'This is London calling in the Baa Bee See. Undersea service report from the front. Today American Marines occupied the heights of Neddie Seagoon's knees and are attacking down his shins towards the hairy ankle area. It is expected that by dawn his feet will be occupied by foot-soldiers. I myself will be in bed. Football. Greek Wanderers, 3; Bolton, 676. There was an accident at the corner of Burke St when a bicycle knocked over a red lantern. Anybody seeing the accident, keep quiet, as the driver was a policeman!')

Mate: Well Ned mate, it looks like your legs will soon be your own again, mate! Them lovely little leggies....

FX: EXPLOSION. CROWD OF CHINESE

Ned: Ahh! The Chinese are shelling my knees! Here comes a midget waving a dirty white flag! I wonder what he wants!

Bluebottle: You got any soap powder mistah? I am Lee Fong Blue; mysterious junior laundryman to the Chinese army! Oh, hello everybody! I didn't see you all there!

Ned: A Finchly Boy Scout doing laundry for the Chinese?

Bluebottle: Do not be fooled, Ned of Wales, Cardboard Bluebottle is really in the pay of the Borough of Finchly and is working to save your legs from the Chinese ratepayers!

Chinese 2: (Spike) Hands up!!!

Ned: Ahh! A Chinese in long Mandarin underwear!

Chinese 2: Listen! Neddie! As soon as you give up your legs to us, we make your knees a corporal in the Chinese Army!

Bloodnok: No no, don't let him dazzle you with promises of knee power, Ned! I'll make them English Sergeants!

Chinese 2: We'll make them Chinese Captains!

Bloodnok: English Majors!

Chinese 2: Chinese Generals!

Ned: Any Advance on Chinese Generals?

Bloodnok: British Dustman with OBE attachments!

Ned: British Dustman going once.....going twice.....

Mate: I object mate!

Ned: Who are you?

Mate: I'm the dustman who's been going twice! I don't wanna go any more mate, I tell yer!

Ned: Blast! Foiled by British Dustman! Stand by for the funny payoff!

Mate: Right....

FX: SOUND OF FURNITURE BEING SHIFTED.

Ned: (various straining noises)

Chinese 2: Ah! No! Not that! The table!!!

FX: TABLE COMES TO A STOP WITH A BANG.

Ned: And that folks, is how we turned the tables on the Chinese! And that' s all, folks of world, from Ned of Wales!!

ORCHESTRA: OLD COMRADES MARCH.

Studio Announcer: The Goon Show was presented by the BBC.

ORCHESTRA: DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD - PLAYOUT.

*******************

Dramatis Personae

Peter Sellars: Bluebottle, Henry Crun, American Preacher, American Representative, Doctor, Grytpype-Thynne, Chinese 3, Major Denis Bloodnok,

Spike Milligan: Mr Mueller the 'Fon' Singer, Moriarty, Eccles, Chinese 2, Minnie Bannister, Jim Spriggs.

Harry Secombe: Neddie Seagoon, Tom Danglers, Chinese 1

Ray Ellington: Gladys, African Chief, the bongos

Max Gelgray: The harmonica

Wallace Greenslade: The Announcer.