Goon Show Script
The Last Smoking Seagoon
Series 10, Episode 6
Broadcast: 28th January 1960
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GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Home Service despite what the Light Programme says
SECOMBE: And what does the Light Programme say?
GREENSLADE: They say…
GRAMS: Sped up – Greenslade saying "This is the BBC Light Programme"
SECOMBE: Gad, how can we tell you apart?
GREENSLADE: Well, our programme has naturally wavy hair for instance and we make insular announcements like this:
SELLERS: Here is a hendu warning. Hendus are raging in sea areas cromety firth, fourth, fith and six. Gale force hendus are sweeping eastward from Iceland, Shetland and the ponies. Further hendus are sweeping in from the east. That is the hend of the endu warning. Tong
SECOMBE: Pardon me Wal, but what’s a hendu?
GREENSLADE: It lays eggs
SECOMBE: And you say they’re blowing from the east?
SECOMBE: Stand by for Easter eggs!
GREENSLADE: Ta. And now we present Chapter One of a new dynamic novel written entirely on carbon paper paper, shaven Arab socks and copyright underwater during the hendu season, entitled ‘The Last of the Smoking Seagoons’. Part one: the scene, an unfilled cavity in a dentist’s waiting room
WILLIUM: [In agony] Oh mate!
GREENSLADE: Ta, part two: the annual shareholders’ meeting of The Imperial Ascot Tobacco Company
OMNES: [Uncontrolled coughing]
FX: Multiple hammering of gavel
HENRY CRUN: [Coughs to a rhythm] Oh dear, I’ve got a nasty cough, Min
MIN BANNISTER: Yes you have got a nasty cough, Henry. What happened to that nice cough you used to have? You know the one that used to go…
GRAMS: Elephant trunk call
MIN BANNISTER: That’s the one
HENRY CRUN: Oh that one, someone shot it, Min
MIN BANNISTER: The quill, did you have it stuffed?
HENRY CRUN: Aaah now you’re asking me something
MIN BANNISTER: I know I’m asking you something
MILLIGAN: [Sings with a vibrato voice for about 4 seconds]
FX: Fft, fft
MILLIGAN: [Continues singing for about 2 seconds, ends with burp]
THROAT: Thank you very much
HENRY CRUN: I don’t know where we get these shareholders from
MIN BANNISTER: You can’t get the shareholders, Henry. I can’t get any holders for my shares. Oh well…
HENRY CRUN: Welcome now to the shareholders’ meeting, ladies and gentlemen. I’m glad that this time the gentlemen are wearing trousers. And now Min of Mongolia will read the trading report for the last year
FX: Turns paper, pause, turns paper, pause, turns paper
HENRY CRUN: Yes, it was a very quiet year. [Sings] Nothing was heard but the song of a bird [Min joins in and continues singing high notes until Grams]
GRAMS: Burst of applause, chanting – "Hooray, Hooray", [next part sounds like a previous Goon Show with audience] Harp glissando, audience laughs, man talking with worried voice – "I’ve been worried about the Goon Show lately", audience applauds joke, man continues "I said to Jim the other day…", elephant trunk call
MIN BANNISTER: Poor Jim
HENRY CRUN: Thank you, and now the consumer research bureau statistic report on the customers of this tobacco company
FX: Door knocker
HENRY CRUN: Gentlemen, good news; that means we’ve had a knocker fitted to the door
SEAGOON: [Off] It’s me [coughs]
HENRY CRUN: It’s coughing Ned of Wales, our only customer. Get the horses out of here, Min
GRAMS: Horse gallops fading
FX: Door opens
SEAGOON: Good heavens, the Lord Mayor Show has been this way
HENRY CRUN: No Ned, the floor has been this way for years
SEAGOON: Oh good, so the floor goes this way. It must be a short cut
HENRY CRUN & SEAGOON: [Accenting laughs]
HENRY CRUN: Did you hear that, Min?
MIN BANNISTER: [Off] I did, Henry
HENRY CRUN: Come now Ned, do a nice little cough for the shareholders
GRAMS: [Under Seagoon] small claps
GRYTPYPE: Neddie, may I say on behalf of the shareholders that was beautiful. Tell me Ned, what brought you to our meeting?
SEAGOON: An ambulance [coughs] I’ve got to give it up, you know
GRYTPYPE: Give up ambulances, Neddie? Ambulances are good for you
SEAGOON: No, no, no, I’m trying to give up smoking. I’m up to two a day, you know. It’s ruining me health, hilth, hoolth and hulth, niehau!
SEAGOON: Shareholders of The Imperial Ascot Tobacco Company, even though I’m your only customer, I’ve got to give it up!
GRAMS: Mourning crowd
GRYTPYPE: Just one moment please, one moment please
GRAMS: Mourning crowd tape slows down
GRYTPYPE: Now Ned, don’t be hasty, the whole output of this mighty Imperial Ascot Tobacco Company is geared to your nicotine addiction
SEAGOON: I don’t care; I’ve got to think of my lungs
GRYTPYPE: Why should you, they never think of you Ned? Moriarty, the sobbing violin
ORCHESTRA: Violin ‘Hearts and Flowers’
GRYTPYPE: [Over orch.] Ned, have a cigarette to steady your nerves
SEAGOON: [Over orch.] Thank you [sucks] I say, this cigarette’s all filtered with a tobacco tip
GRYTPYPE: Of course it’s all filtered with a tobacco tip, Neddie. It is my latest invention
SEAGOON: You filter swine!
ORCHESTRA: Big joke chord
GREENSLADE: End of part one. Three years on and six million nerve-wracking coughs later, a tiny nicotine-stained figure sits by a mountain of dog ends. Behind each ear are strapped two revolving bundles of half-smoked cigarettes
ORCHESTRA: Some kind of stringed instrument played above the fret
SEAGOON: [Coughs, speaks very fast] Hello folks hello folks hello folks [speaks normal pace] Hello folks [coughs more] Hello folks, this is Ned of Wales calling in the outdoor Fagin Service of the BBC.[Coughs] Folks [tries to talk, but can’t because of cough] I’m in a bad way, folks, I need help. Heeeeeeelp!
GRAMS: Car drives up and breaks
SEAGOON: Heavens, a 95-foot long motorcar covered in mink, it must be Peter Sellers
GRYTPYPE: No, he hasn’t heard of this one yet, Neddie. This is the delivery truck of The Imperial Ascot Tobacco Company. I just heard your cri de cour
SEAGOON: Did you? It must’ve been a loud one
GRYTPYPE: Fair, it shook the windows. Ned, I know a great surgeon who can cure those dreaded ~cree-de-kers~
SEAGOON: Does he practice in Harley Street?
GRYTPYPE: Yes, but only on the saxophone. Police kept moving him on, that is why he was forced to take the degrading post as chief surgeon to the king. Now just go behind this handy row-side screen and take your clothes off
SEAGOON: Thank you. [Off, singing] I’m only a strolling [stops singing] hahaha, ooh, I haven’t had that off for a long time. Ohahoaho…
GRYTPYPE: Right Moriarty, we’ll take these clothes and have them valued
GRAMS: Car drives off
SEAGOON: I say hurry up, hurry up! It’s cold behind here, a lot of woodpeckers around
GREENSLADE: Ladies and gentlemen, a Bow Street runner approaches
GRAMS: Running footsteps fading in
WILLIUM: Hello, hello. Who’s left this screen ~but it’s light in broad daylight~? Anybody in?
WILLIUM: Well come on out madam
SEAGOON: I can’t, I haven’t any clothes on, I’m waiting for a medical inspection
GRAMS: ~"Could I please have some help with this one please"~
WILLIUM: I reckon you need one, mate
SEAGOON: Just a moment – they’ve gone! My clothes have gone, Grytpype-Thyne’s gone, Moriarty’s gone, the car’s gone!
WILLIUM: You’ve gone, mate and all. Off to the old wolololololop!
SEAGOON: Ololololop, none of that, no ololop, I was in it last week
WILLIUM: Well, you’re going in again this week, old Milligan’s a bit short of ideas you see, come on
SEAGOON: Try it Wal, wololololop!
GREENSLADE: Wololololop, wololololop! Part four: the scene is lit by the brilliant conk of Max the conks Geldray!
GRAMS: Burst of applause!
MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA: "What More Do You Want?"
MAX GELDRAY: Thank you folks and plodgee, this is Max ‘Conks’ Geldray, the golden plum and friend to the snowmans. Listen again next week when you will hear… [blows harmonica C# chord]
GRAMS: Burst of applause
GREENSLADE: Stop, stop, stop!
GREENSLADE: Thankyou. Part four: the dreaded National Health hospital at Hampton Court
DOCTOR: Say aah
MALE PATIENT: [Straining] Aahh
GRAMS: Rubbing and scratching, running footsteps etc.
FEMALE PATIENT: [Screams, etc.]
BLOODNOK: Yes, you’ll love it here, Neddie. I’ve had your clothes x-rayed and we’ve discovered an anonymous swollen wallet inside your jacket. Nurse Mills?
ELLINGTON: Yes darling?
BLOODNOK: Prepare for a money operation
ELLINGTON: Oh, the matron won’t like it
BLOODNOK: He’s not getting any of it, aeough!
MILLIGAN: What’s the operation, doctor?
BLOODNOK: Well I have to remove his post office savings account. Hand me the anaesthetic, will you? Erh!
ECCLES: Oooww, Major
BLOODNOK: I’m sorry, Eccles, I…
SEAGOON: Here, wait a moment, I…
BLOODNOK: Right, nurse, knife…
FX: Writing on paper
BLOODNOK: [Over FX] Pen, ink, specimen of patient’s signature, put it in the forgery kit there, ooh, it’s all over!
GRAMS: Running footsteps fading out
SEAGOON: Ooh, ooh, nurse, where am I?
MIN BANNISTER: England, Ned
SEAGOON: Thank heaven. If it hadn’t been, I’d never have had the money to get back
GRYTPYPE: Cigarette, Ned?
SEAGOON: Cigarette, yes, Yes, YES YES YES YES YES! [Blows into cigarette] Oooooooooooooohhhhhhh!
GRAMS: Crackling flames, fire brigade bell, steam
GRYTPYPE: Did you enjoy that, Ned?
SEAGOON: Aaahh, yes yes yes yes yes
GRYTPYPE: Well have another one; the crowd expects it from you
GRAMS: Running footsteps with Seagoon saying "No, no, no, no…", speeds up to an incredibly high speed
GREENSLADE: And now part two of an early Roman trouser plantation. To escape from the dreaded fiend, nicotine Ned stows away on a Hindu ship, disguised as a stowaway
ORCHESTRA: Naval-type link
GRAMS: Seagulls, ding ding, ding ding, ding ding
BANERGEE: What, what, what is, what is that?
LALAKAKA: What is that? That’s six bells, six bells
BANERGEE: Six bells? Listen, man, we don’t need them
LALAKAKA: What do you mean you don’t need the six bells? What do you mean?
BANERGEE: What I’m saying…
LALAKAKA: What do you mean?
BANERGEE: You silly old Pakistani, you listen to me. Listen
LALAKAKA: My mother is Irish, I tell you
BANERGEE: But you weren’t born in London ~condolencies~
LALAKAKA: I know that, alright
BANERGEE: What we need, we don’t need six bells. What we need is one bell and we hit it five times
LALAKAKA: It was only one bell hit five times
BANERGEE: Then why didn’t you say so, man? Do it all again and say it properly
LALAKAKA: Alright, alright
GRAMS: Ding ding, ding ding, ding ding
LALAKAKA: One bell hit five times
SEAGOON: I say, I say Hindu gentlemen
LALAKAKA & BANERGEE: What, what?
LALAKAKA: I’ve never seen anything like this, what is it, sir?
SEAGOON: Are you generally responsible for births on this ship?
LALAKAKA: What is written here is not pointless, not all of them
SEAGOON: I’m on this trip for my health, I’m a victim of faggins.
BANERGEE: Oh dear dear dear
SEAGOON: I’ve lost all my teeth and I’ve got hydromynthalics-defatic-thrompyteritis with complications
BANERGEE: What are the complications?
SEAGOON: Trying to say that lot without my teeth. [Without teeth] Now listen, I tell you [with teeth] I’ve had no food since the trip started
BANERGEE & LALAKAKA: Oh yes, we know we know we know…
BANERGEE: It is the policy of this line to starve the passengers to death
SEAGOON: Well, why wasn’t I told?
BANERGEE: It is also the policy of this line not to alarm the passengers
ECCLES: Ahowowoy, mouth of the Amazon in sight!
PIRATE: Arr, look out for the wash, arr
SEAGOON: What wash?
PIRATE: The dreaded Amazon mouth wash, my dear ahaharr, narnarhaharr, aarr. They do say South America is haunted, my darlin’ ahahar, this little faggin is haunted. With sixpence I learnt everything, ahaharrrr, narliemahar
GREENSLADE: Bernard Miles is now appearing at the Mermaid Theatre. And now Ray Ellington, son of Mermaid
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET: ‘Too Marvellous For Words’
BLOODNOK: Aeiough! Well, Ned! So we meet again thanks to skilful writing. Look at this, Ned, a picture of me
SEAGOON: Was it taken by flashlight?
BLOODNOK: No, taken by rifle fire, a new process. You get a pile of rifles and set fire to them
SEAGOON: Gad, what will you think of next?
BLOODNOK: Well, I think I’ll say I’m not staying on this ship. I’ve been beaten, flogged, keel-hauled, mutinited, tarred, hung from the yard, lashed to the mast and also an unpleasant incident east of the wind
SEAGOON: But a sailor must expect these things
BLOODNOK: Sailor? I’m a first class passenger
SEAGOON: You’re a first class…
BLOODNOK: Yes, I know. Well now, let’s have a quick résumé
GRAMS: Very short snippet of an explosion
BLOODNOK: Aah, that’s better. Stand aside for the equity announcement, badaaaaaa!
GREENSLADE: Neddie hid all the way on the boat to South America and he hid all the way back again, thus breaking the world’s hiding record
BLOODNOK: Ned of Wales, Ned of Nicotine, woof woof woof, the hound of the bonkerville [*1]
SEAGOON: Quick, where can I hide?
BLOODNOK: Come inside this patriotic military museum. Disguise yourself as a visitor
JIM SPRIGGS: Hello, Jim
BLOODNOK: Good heavens, it’s hello Jim, a night visitor. Welcome to the Bloodnok Patriotic Museum, every exhibit really watered. Admission, a mere nine guineas
JIM SPRIGGS: Why do you charge so much, Jim?
BLOODNOK: Well it’s something to do with the holidays in the South of France, you know
JIM SPRIGGS: Very well
FX: Cash register bell
BLOODNOK: Oooh, that tune, how it haunts me. It’s my regimental march, the third mounted cash registers. Come in and savour the exhibits, lad, this way please. Now you see, the actual slice of Gruyère cheese issued to the fifteenth panzer division of the battle of Beruna
JIM SPRIGGS: Just a minute, Jim
BLOODNOK: What, what, what?
JIM SPRIGGS: This steaming cheese has got New Zealand stamped on it
BLOODNOK: Yes, it was captured by them during the battle, you see, you can see the bullet hole in it. Oh look out, it’s moving!
BLOODNOK: Come out and fight!
SEAGOON: Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot, Major, it’s me
BLOODNOK: Nicotine-mad Ned, have you been smoking that cheese? Come with your hands up and lay your wrist-watch on this table. That’s right. Good heavens, look at the time! Twenty to four, the perfect time for a wrist-watch robbery
SEAGOON: Oooho, my last worldly possession stolen. My only goat-skin, duck-operated wrist watch, gone!
ECCLES: What’s the duck for?
SEAGOON: To lay eggs. Gone in the direction of away, what can I doooo?
GRYTPYPE: Have a cigarette, Neddie
SEAGOON: No no no, I’ve given it up, I only smoke salmon and that’s cured too
GRYTPYPE: Neddie, despite the age of that joke, we have decided to recognise your services to the world of fumes
MORIARTY: Hello Neddie, hello Ned, we have made you director of The Imperial Ascot Tobacco Company
HENRY CRUN: This means that in future, tell him, Min
MIN BANNISTER: In future
HENRY CRUN & MIN BANNISTER: Everything you smoke will bring you a dividend of point [with rhythm] o o o-o o, o 3 of our owning!
HENRY CRUN: …which will be paid to you in cigarettes. Every 330 thousand cigarettes you smoke will come to you free
MIN BANNISTER: Freeeeeeeeee! Freeeee
HENRY CRUN: And will be lit for you by our board of directors.
SEAGOON: Thank heavens, my days of poverty are over [laughs]! What I want to know is how many cigarettes a day do I need to smoke?
GRYTPYPE: Just one, Ned and in that order
SEAGOON: Alright, I’ll sicken
GRAMS: Donkey braying
GRYTPYPE: What an unusual signature. Alright lads, bring the cigarettes in
GRAMS: Footsteps approaching
CARRIER 1: I’ve got it there, mind the filter
CARRIER 2: Lower it down now
CARRIER 1: Lower it down
GRAMS: Strain, crash!
SEAGOON: Curse, trapped by a ninety-foot long cigarette!
GRYTPYPE: Come along Ned, you’ve only got eight hours to fulfil the contract. Light the end, Moriarty
MORIARTY: Ooowww, puff away, puff puff puff
SEAGOON: As I puffed at the giant cigarette, the heat drove out half the inhabitants of London
GRAMS – JOHN SNAGGE: This is the Overseas Service of the Bar BC. Here is the latest report on the giant cigarette situation. At midnight a red large glow in the eastern sky over Clapham signified that the great cigarette is still alight. The heavy pall of smoke now hangs over east London. A Misers Violet Nuke of five Sussex Road has complained that her Tom cat, Matthew has changed colour because of the smoking of the pipe. The last medical report on Nicotine Ned was that he had turned into a frail green creature. The stock exchange; shares of The Ascot Tobacco Company rose sharply today, actually rather nicely and I think that Greenslade and I can go to the pictures tonight
GREENSLADE: Oh thank you John, we haven’t been since we saw Hell’s Angels. Meantime, coughing Ned of Wales plans to escape
GRAMS: Ridiculous coughing
SEAGOON: Oh dear Bloodnok [coughs], I need your help
BLOODNOK: What? Well you can stand by me to rely on you. Feel this ~quill fair~
SEAGOON: Now have you a lighter than air machine?
BLOODNOK: Just by chance I have this handy Chinese rice paper fire balloon. And here is the driver, Ar Long
AR LONG: Ah, Ar Long, [speaks gibberish Chinese] nah
SEAGOON: Well get along, Ar Long
AR LONG: Hold tight
GRAMS: Chinese-like song, eventually speeding up
BLOODNOK: Look, it’s Count Moriarty giving chase in the tobacco-powered ground zeppelin. Full speed in all directions
SEAGOON: It’s only thirteen miles to safe harbour
ECCLES: Thirteen miles? That’s an unlucky number
SEAGOON: Oh, fourteen miles then
ECCLES: You see it was unlucky; we’re a mile further away now
SEAGOON: I say we’re up high
BLOODNOK: Gad, the sun’s hot
ECCLES: Well you shouldn’t touch it
BLOODNOK: Shut up, Eccles
ECCLES: I think Moriarty's within earshot.
ECCLES: I’ve just been shot in my ear
SEAGOON: Keep going lads, we’re up to page thirteen. Ar Long, why are we losing height
AR LONG: Our fire has gone out, there’s no fuel
SEAGOON: There’s no fuel like a no fuel
ECCLES: If only we had some tin-sliced garlic
ECCLES: I love tin-sliced garlic
BLOODNOK: Look, we shall have to burn our clothes. Draw the blinds, nurse. Eccles, off with those thorn-proof trousers
FX: Phone rings, phone off hook
MORIARTY: [on phone] Ha ha ha, now listen to me, Bloodnok
BLOODNOK: Who gave you the phone number of this balloon, Moriarty?
MORIARTY: [on phone] A man called Tom
MORIARTY: [on phone] Hand over smoking Ned of Wales and we’ll see you get a fair trial and a fair hanging
BLOODNOK: Ned, you’ll have to surrender
SEAGOON: Not one step nearer, Bloodnok or I’ll put a bullet between your eyes
BLOODNOK: I didn’t know they made them that small
SEAGOON: You’ll never take me dead or alive
BLOODNOK: But isn’t there any other way?
GRAMS: Short explosion
GREENSLADE: A direct hit from the tobacco-powered zeppelin on the rice-paper balloon. We join the crew in the hospital
SEAGOON: Ohohoho, oh doctor
SCOTSMAN: [Talks with bagpipe music] you’re lucky to be alive, man
SCOTSMAN: [Talks with bagpipe music] I tried to kill you three times
SEAGOON: You’re just saying that to cheer me up
SCOTSMAN: [Talks with bagpipe music] Ah yes thrup me yune
SEAGOON: Tell me what happened to Bloodnok and Eccles
SCOTSMAN: [Talks with bagpipe music] unfortunately nothin’. Now then thrup lar. Put this wee thing in your mouth
SEAGOON: [strains] aaaaaarrrrrr
GRYTPYPE: Match, Neddie
SEAGOON: Noo, it’s a cigarette [cries]
ORCHESTRA: Showtime melody
GREENSLADE: Yes that was it, the last of them, so bye now
ORCHESTRA: ‘Old Comrades March’, ‘Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead’
*1 "hound of the bonkerville" is a parody of the book title 'The Hound of the Baskervilles'