Goon Show Script

The Silent Bugler

Vintage Goons Series, Episode 10

Transcribed by Tomino


This episode is available on...
Goon Show Compendium 9

[CD Box Set from Amazon]

Vol. 17: The Silent Bugler

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Greenslade: The BBC presents vintage goons, another in the series of programmes first broadcast to British listeners in 1954. Any questions? No. Very well then, we present agents Sellers Secombe and Milligan in.

Secombe: The Goon Show [maniacal laughter]

Greenslade: Ladies and gentlemen today in the American Senate, Senator Vanderschmidt said

Vanderschmidt: mumblemumble . theres more . house of Un-American activities. wide screen . multicolour . Jane Mansfield . the Russian attack on East Manitoba.

Greenslade: And he continued by saying

Vanderschmidt: .mumbles.

Greenslade: Which concluded his speech. Then on March the Third in our house of commons at four o.clock the prime minister said.

Prime Minister: Tea?

Greenslade: These everyday exchanges in our political circles are made known to us all by the daily newspapers. But what of the secret services?

Milligan? [Indian]: Yes indeed what of them? What of them man? Unknown to us the secret services are striving powers in a constant battle, man. Move and countermove, plot and counterplot.

Sellers: We give you now the story of only one minute fragment in this mosaic of political intrigue. Take the case of Agent X

Seagoon: I am X2.

ORCH: Fanfare

Seagoon: My mission started when I was called to HQ MI5. I.d hardly got on board the train for London when I had the uneasy feeling I was being watched.

FX: Sliding door

Conductor: All tickets please

Seagoon: Tickets? Oh. He he he. Oh yes

Conductor: Ere. This is a platform ticket

Seagoon: That.s right I always travel by platform

Conductor: come on now mate, come on now matey, where.s your ticket there?

Seagoon: ha ha I was just joking. There we are

Conductor: Ere, wait a minute. This ticket.s from Piccadilly to Hyde Park

Seagoon: Yes I know, a very easy journey, I often make it, you know

Conductor: Ere my good man don.t mess me about .ere.

Seagoon: Hah, it.s an old Welsh joke. Now, there, my ticket.

Conductor: Ere, this, this .ere ticket was issued in nineteen ho two

Seagoon: Really? Gad, we.re running late

Conductor: And its for the Brighton to London stagecoach

Seagoon: Well?

Conductor: Well this .aint a stagecoach mate

Seagoon: You mean this train isn.t horse drawn?

Conductor: Nah

Seagoon: I demand my money back. You charlatan you! I I I want to.

Conductor: Wait a minute here you can.t fool me about with all that clever talk mate you gotta pay for the ticket. Now where did you get on?

Seagoon: Curse, the games up. Well now what was that last station?

Conductor: Thung Junction

Seagoon: That.s it, that.s it that.s where I got on

Conductor: but we didn.t stop there

Seagoon: Do you think it was easy?

Conductor: Look, where.re you going to?

Seagoon: The next station

Conductor: Right that.ll be eighteen shillings and thruppence

Seagoon: Right there we are

Conductor: Thank you

Seagoon: (?You can leave that?). Fool. Little does he know that the real fare is not eighteen and thruppence but thirty two pounds six shillings

Conductor: Little does he know that I.m nothing to do with the railway at all.

Greenslade: Thus Seagoon arrived at HQ MI5 with the wind behind him

FX: Door

'M': Aaaah, come in, come in X2

Seagoon: Thank you sir

'M': X2, you know you know you know what we want you for

Seagoon: No?

'M': Oh. Don.t go away, we.ll think of something. Aaaaaaah. Have you ever been to Russia?

Seagoon: No.

'M': Oh. Ever been to Moscow?

Seagoon: Yes.

'M': That.ll do. Er, Colonel Spondle Clacknutt, will you explain to him

Colonel: Yes well we have reason to believe that the Russians have perfected a time machine. With it they could go forward into the future. Do you see? And once there they.ll build planes that will travel faster than the speed of light. They.ve got to be stopped doing such a thing. You are the man for the job.

Seagoon: Oh! Ta.

Colonel: Thank you. Now are you married?

Seagoon: no, sir

Colonel: understandable, I suppose. I would go on this mission myself but it.s, well, it.s too dangerous you know.

Seagoon: You mean I. I might get killed

Colonel: with a bit of luck, yes

'M': The Colonel is joking. X2 follow me

Seagoon: Right

FX: Door

'M': in here. Ah, Mr., Mr. Crun

Crun: Morning

'M': Morning.

Crun: Morning

'M': Morning. This is X2 would you tell him about the Russian intelligence er the Russian intelligence

Seagoon: morning

Crun: Morning

Seagoon: Captain Hairy Seagoon at your service sir

Crun: Yes captain service, now here is a photo of the Russian master spy Igor Blimey. He.s escaped from every prison camp in Europe

Seagoon: There.s nothing on this photograph

Crun: He.s escaped again! Never mind. Next, next there is the most hated man in Russia

Seagoon: Who

Crun: Jack Benny

Seagoon: They too, eh? Poor wretches

Crun: ah, they too, but ahhaahhhh now the most deadly agent of them all. They call him the silent bugler

Seagoon: The silent bugler?

Crun: Yes nobody has ever seen him but here is a rare record of him. Just listen

GRAMS: silent record

Seagoon: I can.t hear anything

Crun: That.s him! The Silent Bugler. If you ever hear nothing like that, look out!

Seagoon: With that warning ringing in my teeth I spent the next three weeks and two days training under Major Bloodnok

ORCH: Bloodnok theme

Bloodnok: Oooohhhh me Arles, me arles. Oh me poor old arles

Seagoon: ..unintelligible.

Bloodnok: Thank you. Now lad, training

Seagoon: They tell me that during the last war you were taken prisoner.

Bloodnok: Yes, yes but I escaped.

Seagoon: Where from?

Bloodnok: Dartmoor.

Seagoon: Oh.

Bloodnok: First of all disguises. Black your face with this burnt cork. That.s it. Now put on this straw hat. Now just take this banjo. There, you look marvellous.

Seagoon: You think it.ll fool the Russians?

Bloodnok: The Russians? You idiot, you.ll never fool .em in that lot! Take it off! It.s a good job you came to me.

Seagoon: You can stand by me to rely on you

Bloodnok: Thud! Oh thud! Russians, you say? Well well well. Well in that case you definitely need to appear inconspicuous, I have the very outfit. Stand by to check.

Seagoon: Right

Bloodnok: One ginger beard with detachable bells

Seagoon: Yes

Bloodnok: one pair of reversible plastic socks easily convertible into dog cardigan

Seagoon: Brilliant

Bloodnok: One pair of false cardboard skis. One wicker teapot with underwater escape apparatus

Seagoon: Right

Bloodnok: One rubber dagger

Seagoon: What.s the use of a rubber dagger?

Bloodnok: well we don.t want to shed blood needlessly you know

Seagoon: .gibberish. London

Bloodnok: Thun! Now finance. Three thousand lira in rupees payable in pesetas at any Mongolian bank whilst wearing tennis shoes in a thunderstorm under fire from rocket batteries

Seagoon: You.ve thought of everything.

Bloodnok: of course! Now the sensitivity test. I shall just blindfold you, so. Now I want you to tell me what I.m doing, right?

Seagoon: Sir!

Bloodnok: Good.

Seagoon: Erm you.re taking my gold ring off my finger

Bloodnok: Yes yes yes yes

Seagoon: Now you.re removing my gold watch. And fountain pens ?? pocket

Bloodnok: [distant] Bravo, keep it up

Seagoon: Oh ho! Now you.re taking my wallet. Oh ho! You.ve taken my money belt

Bloodnok: [distant] good lad, keep going

FX: Door

Seagoon: That.s right. Oh. Oh I. I can.t feel you doing anything yet.

FX: Phone

Seagoon: Hello?

Operator (milligan): Call for you from Paris

Seagoon: Hello?

Bloodnok: Secombe [sic] the lesson.s over lad.

Seagoon: End of the silent bugler part one. At the organ max geldray!



18-The Silent Bugler_ I Kiss Your Hand, Madame (Max Geldray)



Greenslade: The Silent Bugler part two

Sellers: But first for listeners who.ve just tuned in, here is a rapid synopsis

GRAMS: Milligan gibberish speeded up

Sellers: Now read on!

Seagoon: Before my departure for Russia I took one final test

Colonel: Seagoon we want you to identify objects that will be held up in rapid succession by the sergeant here

Seagoon: it was said by a ???

Colonel: Good. Sergeant Eccles, do your duty

Eccles: OK sir. Now then my good man the first object I hold up is this. What.s this?

Seagoon: a banana

Eccles: good good good good.

FX: eating

Eccles: Got rid of that. Now then what.s this?

Seagoon: a pencil

Eccles: Good

FX: eating

Eccles: Oooh shouldn.t have eaten that. Now then now then my man the last one. Now..

GRAMS: Straining

Eccles: What.s this? What.s this that I.m holding up?

Seagoon: let me see now let me see

Eccles: Come on! Look at the shape!

Seagoon: Yes yes I.ve seen, I.ve seen one like it

Eccles: Come on! You know what it is!

Seagoon: No no, I.m not quite sure, I.

Eccles: come on you.ve seen one of these before

Seagoon: I can.t honestly say that I.ve..

GRAMS: floor collapses

Eccles: Aaaaaaaaahhhhh. Ow o wow ow

FX: Knocking

GRAMS: Eccles arrives out of breath

Seagoon: Oh you.re back.

Eccles: Yeah

Seagoon: Well, what was it?

Eccles: An elephant

Seagoon: Of course, I should.ve guessed

Eccles: Well why didn.t you then? That was a ?????

Colonel: Steady Eccles, steady

Eccles: Steady Eccles

Colonel: Steady Eccles

Eccles: Steady Eccles.

Colonel: now Seagoon just one more small thing

Eccles: Steady Eccles Steady Eccles

Seagoon: ??gibberish??

Colonel: I.m sure I can do. Bluebottle?

Bluebottle: I heard you call, Captain! I heard you! Hey! Hooray! Hello everybody! Pauses for audience applause, continues act. *Gibberish* I should have said that before when you clapped earlier. Strikes stand easy pose.

Seagoon: I understand you have a secret weapon for me

Bluebottle: I have it! I have! Unscrews false kneecap, takes out secret gun. I am in agony as I have not got false kneecaps. Puts on bold face. Eeeeeh! It still hurts though.

Seagoon: What is this remarkable weapon

Bluebottle: It is, it is my backshot pistol

Seagoon: You mean, whoever fires this pistol gets killed himself?

Bluebottle: Yes. You just give it to an enemy, he aims it at you, and then he gets deaded himself

Seagoon: Brilliant! How.s it work?

Bluebottle: I.ll show you. I.ll just point the gun at you, then I.ll pull the trigger, and. ahaaaaaa no. You point it at me and you pull the trigger.

Seagoon: Thanks. I I, point it at you like this

Bluebottle: No no don.t point it at me point it at yourself.

Seagoon: But you said.

Bluebottle: Be careful, don.t point.

FX BANG!

Bluebottle: Aiheee! You naughty man you you have deaded me! You.ve punctured my flash Gordon bulletproof space vest with cardboard lapels price one and nine at all good chemists. Ehiheee! Exits left to register for next year.s radio awards.

Greenslade: The Silent Bugler part three

Sellers: in a dark car with the hat pulled well over its eyes, secombe (sic) was next driven to a submerged airport.

Seagoon: Once there I was given a spoonful of air linctus for my nerves, which I had unfortunately brought with me.

Greenslade (Tannoy): Will passengers with disguised MI5 tickets for mystery flight X to undisclosed destination please inflate their false wigs and crawl as inconspicuously as possible to the isolated black plane standing in the shadow of the barbed wire. Thank you.

Ellington: Mystery flight X this way please. Passports please! All passports please. Name sir?

Bloodnok: Er. Mrs Gladys Murgatroyd, spinster

Ellington: Right. Next!

Eccles: Woof woof! Growl growl woof!

Ellington: Next!

??unidentified voice: Madame fifi: madame fifi labonbon male impressionist

Ellington: Good luck. Next!

Sellers (woman): Sir Arthur Bighampton

Ellington: Right ma.am. Next

Sellers (Still female): Little does he know that I am not sir Arthur Bighampton but only his son Prunella.

Eccles: Little does he know that I.m not woof woof growl but growl woof woof

Bloodnok: Little do they know that I am not Mrs Gladys Murgatroyd, spinster, but Miss Gladys Murgatroyd, bachelor.

Ellington: And.. And you sir?

Seagoon: I.m X2, captain hairy Seagoon, secret British agent

Ellington: hahahahaha

Seagoon: Clearly he didn.t believe me

Ellington: Close the doors. Now fasten your safety belts

Minnie: Morning!

Crun: Morning!

Minnie: Morning!

Ellington: Morning ma.am

Minnie: Morning everybody, morning boy! Everybody take your seats please. All safety belts to be fastened. Come Captain Seagoon you must fasten your belt now

Seagoon: Why?

Minnie: Your trousers are coming down

Crun: Contract! [sic]

Ellington/Minnie: Contact!

Crun: Give it the gun, Ellingbone

Minnie: Give him time to get through the ????



22-The Silent Bugler_ I.m Beginning to See the Light (Ray Ellington)



Seagoon: By now I was deep in enemy territory. Very deep, I was dropped without a parachute. But all the other occupants of the plane were also dropped. I was suspicious. Walking along the Fredstrasse in Dresden I was halted by two men heavily disguised as Englishmen.

Milligan??: Ah goot morgen Herr Seagoon. And how is mein herr this morning?

Seagoon: Going a bit thin on top, I said, and they replied

Bloodnok: Ach marlene dietrich achtung rolls of paper on butler gerblungen spitfire and egg in the eye Rommel gerzeiten and up the old gerblingenblah

Seagoon: Curse! He speaks Russian fluently. I must reply. Hmm. Si Si, Senor. Poor Russian fool. Little does he know that I.m not really a German but I speak the language fluently.

Bloodnok: Poor German fool, little does he know that I am not a poor Russian fool, but Major Bloodnok, a poor English fool.

Eccles: Pardon, pardon mein Herr, *gibberish*

Seagoon: Morgen! Ten to one, time to open my sealed orders

Bloodnok: Ten to one, time to open my sealed orders

Eccles: Twenty to three, time to open my sealed orders

Seagoon: I wonder what mine say. Ah yes! The man standing in front of you is Major Bloodnok

Bloodnok: Mine say: The man standing before you is Captain Seagoon, who has just been informed who you are.

Eccles: Lets see what mine say: beat two eggs, add four ounces of.. Ooh! I got the wrong envelope! I got Mrs. Beeton.s Cookery Book.

Seagoon: Bloodnok!

Bloodnok: Seagoon!

Eccles: Mrs. Beeton!

Bloodnok: Now. We must disperse. We shall meet here when the clock strikes one.

Seagoon: Right. When it strikes one.

FX: Bell tolls once

Seagoon: Hello Bloodnok!

Bloodnok: Ah, Seagoon!

Eccles: Hello, Mrs. Beeton!

Bloodnok: You.re late, where have you been?

GRAMS: Telephone ringing

Bloodnok: Don.t answer that phone! It.s ringing in Russian

Seagoon: What? Then I.ll put on this false beard. Now [answers] Hello? Who is speaking?

Head MI5: If you take that silly beard off I.ll tell you. Now listen this is HQ MI5. Orders: Find the Silent Bugler, he knows where the time machine is. His location, the Dresden Opera House

Seagoon: Right

Eccles: Right

Seagoon: Men, the Dresden Opera House, hurry!

GRAMS: Whoosh!

Bloodnok: Ah, here we are. Today.s symphony concert featuring. what.s this? Relgub Tneliseht?

Seagoon: Gad! That spells the Silent Bugler backwards! Inside!

GRAMS: Whoosh!

Seagoon: Ah, here.s an empty box!

Eccles: Not a match in it

Bloodnok: Just in time! Just in time to miss the first sixty movements.

Seagoon: Just look at the Orchestra. They must be over a hundred and fifty

Eccles: OOoh they look much younger

Seagoon: Shut up and listen. I wonder which one is the silent bugler.

Bloodnok: That.s him! Curse! He.s stopped playing!

Seagoon: I didn.t hear him!

Bloodnok: Well listen and.

ORCH:silence

Bloodnok: There he is now!

Seagoon: Where? Where

Orch: music

Bloodnok: Blast! He.s gone again

Seagoon: What was that?

Bloodnok: What?

Seagoon: The music seemed to repeat!

Bloodnok: I didn.t notice anything and I know my Wagner backwards

Seagoon: But they.re not playing it backwards

Bloodnok: Ah! That accounts for it.

GRAMS: Music slows down

Eccles:Oo. Oo. Oo. Oo.

Seagoon: Good heavens! The whole orchestra are phoneys! They.re miming to a gramophone record!

Bloodnok: Then the silent bugler.

Seagoon: He doesn.t exist! It must all be a bluff!

Bloodnok/Eccles: You mean.

Seagoon: He doesn.t exist, it.s all a bluff! Must be. The whole orchestra are secret Russian agents, we must get out of here quick!

Eccles: Get out? We got to find the time machine

Seagoon: We must split up and search under the theatre.

Eccles: Ok lets get out.

Seagoon: Wait a minute. How do I know you.re not enemy agents. I want proof of your identities.

Bloodnok: Very well, my card, sir, Major D. Bloodnok.

Seagoon: My card. Captain Harry Seagoon

Eccles: Here.s my card

Bloodnok: The two of clubs!

Greenslade: For listeners who.ve been asleep, of whom I am one, here.s a short resumèf what.s gone on before

Sellers: Helen Lovejoy, beautiful heiress to the Halibut millions, has been jilted at the altar by Villion de Paprikon, son of Louis XIV. Peter, Villion.s Eton boating friend, has heard this, but being in Tibet has embarrassed Mary, his fiancé who being the only cousin of Sir Ray Ellington has past the title on to Baron Geldray, also heir to the Halibut millions. Now read on.

Greenslade: Has he finished?

Secombe: Yes

Sellers as self: Now.

Sellers as Bloodnok: Ah! No! We are alone under the theatre

Secombe: That.s it!

Bloodnok: and you are about to speak.

Seagoon: Look! The Time Machine!

Eccles: Half past four

Bloodnok: Put this bomb under it.

GRAMS: Explosion

Bloodnok: Well done!

Seagoon: Somebody.s coming!

Ellington: Hands up, white man!

Bloodnok: it.s a Russian! Run for it!

GRAMS: Running feet

Seagoon: Taxi!!

GRAMS: Traffic various including horse, train aeroplane.

GRAMS: Door

Eccles: Ah, we made it!

Seagoon: Safe at last!

Ellington: So you all came back!!

Seagoon: What?

Ellington: Hands Up! Hands up! Up! Down! Up! Down!

Bloodnok: What.s all this for?

Ellington: We like to keep our prisoners fit.

Bloodnok: We don.t care! We.ve destroyed your time machine, we can die knowing we.ve done our job.

Ellington: You fools, you only destroyed a replica of the time machine

Seagoon: Curse! Foiled by our own stupidity and a bad script.

Eccles: What what what what what?

Bloodnok: Wait! I happen to be wearing red flannel underdrawers with a patch on. If I could lower my trousers, he.d think it was the Russian flag and salute.

Seagoon: Right! I.ll pull from the back. One Two Three!

FX: tearing sound

Ellington: Long live Russia

Bloodnok: Get him!

FX: struggling

Seagoon: Hands up! Hands up you Russian devil!

Ellington: Don.t shoot, me not a Bolshevik, me a white Russian!

Bloodnok: Ohhhh. Where.s the time machine?

Ellington: The box in the corner

Seagoon: Right. No mistakes this time. Put this bomb under it

Bloodnok: But they.ll hear it

Seagoon: Not this one, it won.t go off until the twenty third of November

Bloodnok: The twenty third of November? That.s my birthday!

FX: BANG!

Seagoon/Eccles: Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you!

Orch: Theme

Greenslade: That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Charles Chilton.

Sellers: I didn.t like that one bit.