Goon Show Script

I Was Monty's Treble

Series 9, Episode 2


This episode is available on...
Goon Show Compendium 10

[CD Box Set from Amazon]

Vol. 6: Have a Gorilla

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Bill: This is the BBC.

GRAMS: Pop of cork, bubbles, water pouring

Spriggs: (over) Oh. Oh dear, the cork's come out.

GRAMS: Bubbles

Peter: (over) Stop it before the BBC flows away.

Harry: (over bubbles) Don't panic ponic ...

Spriggs: (over bubbles) Pinic ponic.

Harry: (over bubbles) There's still three gallons of BBC left.

Spike: (over-acting) Thank a-heaven!

ORCHESTRA: Music link

Harry: Ha ha, ha ha ha. I ask you, folks, what other show provides such original openings? Ha ha ha. Or, if you disagree, such unoriginal openings. Ha ha ha. (ahem)

Spriggs: Okay, thank you Jim. You see ...

Neddie: Keeping it going, you know, keeping it going. Well done, well done.

Spriggs: Thank you Jim, yes, thank you, yes. We need it, folks, tonight, it's gonna be tough. You see ...

Neddie: Ee!

Spriggs: Ohh! Nipped in the bud! We cover ourselves both ...

Neddie: Ha ha ha ha. Aha ha.

Spriggs: You've been looking.

Neddie: Hello, hello.

Spriggs: Now then, you see, folks, we cover ourselves both ways, this doesn't make much sense any more, but I'll carry on. You see ... we cover ourselves both ways but the wind gets in at the side.

GRAMS: Brief, loud howling wind

Spriggs: Ohh, naughty wind! Ohh, I still carry on. Now ... it's Sellers' parts, see ... now, folks ...

Neddie: He changed the script this morning, folks.

Spriggs: Now folks, a simple test of marital fidelity. Bend down, clutch the ankles and say after me ... No, not that! Ohh hee!

ORCHESTRA: (mimic) Ohh hee!

Spriggs: Taahhrr!

ORCHESTRA: (mimic) Taahhrr!

Spriggs: Thingggg-ger!

ORCHESTRA: (mimic) Thingggg-ger!

Spriggs: Alablalalalalablalum! (pause) Oh, I knew they couldn't last the pace, folks!

Neddie: Good man, Milligoon.

Spriggs: Ta.

Neddie: Now, here's a ticket to Eva Bartok.

Spriggs: Oh, he ha ha ho, owwee!

Neddie: Now forward, silly old Sellers. Try this Elstree film-type military hat.

Peter: Is this the hat of the book?

Neddie: The very one worn by John Mills and Richard Attenborough when they were ice cold in the sea of sand with the man upstairs in Alex.

Spriggs: Oh Jim, we're going to do a fillum, Jim.

Peter: Yes! Lights, cameras, knees, teeth, corsets, ac-tion!

ORCHESTRA: music piece 'Wotcher'

GRAMS: Crowd screams, shrieks

Neddie: Hup! Hello folks, calling folks, folks, folks, calling folks. We tell you the story of the best kept secret of the well-known World War Two.

Peter: The story of the film of the book of the tram.

ORCHESTRA: Drum roll

Spike: 'I Was Monty's Treble.' Or ...

Neddie: 'I Was a Teenage Werewolf's Father', or ...

Peter: 'I Was Sir Winston Churchill', or ...

Spike: 'I Cooked for Royalty' by Maurice Winnick.

ORCHESTRA: Adventure music link

Spike: 1939.

Neddie: 1940.

Peter: 1941.

Eccles: 49 B.C.

FX: Pistol shot

Eccles: Oww!

Neddie: 1941.

Henry: 1941. Any advance on '41?

Neddie: There was no advance in '41. The war was at a veritable stalemate.

Willium: Was it, mate?

Neddie: Yes, mate. Here, swallow this statue of Eva Bartok.

Willium: Oh, yum yum, mate, oh.

Neddie: Yes indeed, 1941 - a fateful year for England and Elstree. You see the Germans had got wind ...

Eccles: Ohhh!

Neddie: Let me finish!

Eccles: Oh, and ruin the gag? Aha ha ha.

Neddie: Aha ha ha. Had got wind of a new General.

GRAMS: Artillery fire, chickens clucking, gunfire

Peter: (over) Hear that thrilling sound. British artillery shelling German chickens. Mony had struck.

ORCHESTRA: Impressive-sounding fanfare, ending in off-key mess

Harry: (ahem)

Spike: (German-sounding gibberish)

Harry (German): Gerspontein der fueldavistice splooker. The Englanders have broken through at El Alamein.

Spike (German) : Oh.

Harry (German): Zis could mean curtains for us. It could also mean vindows and doors.

Peter (German): Aye aye. Zis, er, General Field Marshall Montgomery must be captured, kiptured, tortured and in zat order.

Spike (German): Oh. You ... you ... have a plan?

Peter (German): Ja.

Spike (German): Ohh.

Peter (German): I have a plan of the plin hof of the plons of the plan.

Spike (German): But have you the ploons of the plins of the plons of the plons?

Peter (German): Curse! I forgot those!

Spike (German): Then get on with the ploons.

Peter (German): Klin, Prin. Montgomery is always flying backwards and forwards between England.

Harry (German): They have planes that fly backwards?

Peter (German): Private Schnertz, I have bad news.

Harry (German): Private? I'm a General.

Peter (German): Zat is ze bad news.

Harry (German): Zat is ze old joke. Ha ha ha.

Peter (German): And we all saw it coming! Aha ha.

FX: Water pouring

Spike (German): Dere, dere, de liebherren, don't cry so much, we can't swim, you know. Ho ho.

Peter (German): But we are laying the eggs tonight.

Spike (German): What? Without the red Lions on, too.

Peter (German): (over) Varow-rooden.

Harry (broody chicken): Prrrrk. Pkark puk.

Spike (broody chicken): Pkark puk.

Peter (German): Gentlemen, this is the plan of the plin plon.

Spike (German): Oh, you've got the plons of the plin of the ploon.

Peter (German): Vrooden kaploon. Our fighter planes have been ordered to shoot down all planes carrying General Montgomery played by John Mills and Richard Attenborough.

Spike (German): Oh, that's ... supposing that one gets through played by Anthony Steele?

Peter (German): Anthony Steele is a Monty?

Spike (German): Ja.

Peter (German): Some casting director had blundered, mein Herrs.

Eccles: It wasn't me, mine hairys.

Peter (German): (ahem) Er, gentlemen ...

Eccles: Yeah

Peter (German): This man, wearing a leather wig, is Germany's greatest fighter ace, Herr von Schlapper Eccles.

Eccles: Hello, fellas. Have a good war. Have a good war, fellas. Bang!

Harry (German): (pause) This ... is our greatest fighter ace?

Peter (German): Ja.

Harry (German): It's going to be a long, hard war.

Eccles: Little do they know that I'm not Herr von Schlapper.

Bill: This then was the enigma.

Eccles: Yeah

Bill: Who was Eccles?

Eccles: Who was Eccles?

Bill: The play continues.

Eccles: Play continues.

Peter (German): Ta.

Eccles: Ta.

Harry: Knock knock in German.

Peter: Come in in Chinese.

Harry: Ta in Siberian.

Peter (Jewish): Mishpocha in Yiddish.

Harry: Yiddishern in Etruscan.

Bill: Such, then, was the lingual virtuosity of the enemy.

Peter (German): Meinen Herren, before we go any further, look at this.

FX: Rustling paper

Eccles: (over) Ohh.

Harry (German): Splatsen ondispenser kerlufenhaus! Zis is a new anti-British drinking song.

Peter (German): Quick, we must all face England, and sing it.

ORCHESTRA: Piano intro, then backing to song

Peter, Harry & Spike (all German) (singing): Sieg heil, splonsun undersplon, minger grobal aspig fiel, underneath da hat fiel, boom crash croyd efunfderschool, splatsun win der Old Kent Road, cor blimey ...

Peter (German): Halt!

Harry (German): What?

Spike (German): What?

Peter (German): Cronsen mit der minger! Zi ... Zis song is a fake! Take its beard off!

Harry (German): Ahh! You are right! Underneath, dis song is clean-shaven.

Eccles: Clean-shaven! What a perfect cue for sixteen-year-old Max Geldray of Digmutmon.

Max: Oh, I'm getting the breaks, boys.

Eccles: You mean that, man.

Peter (German): Jawohl!

MUSIC: Max Geldray plays 'There Will Never Be Another You'


GRAMS: Applause, crowd screams, gasps

Bill: (over) Good heavens! What, ritual cavorting by the masses before the opiate spell of Madge Geldray?

Spike: Ahh.

Peter: I tell you, the harmonica is a sinful instrument. Give me Cavan O'Connor, the King of Sing.

Spriggs: The King of Sing? You mean the Kong if Song, Jim.

Neddie: No no no, he means the King Kong of Sing Song.

Spriggs: Oh no, Jim, he means the King-a-ling-long Song of the hing tong long.

Bill: Gentlemen ...

Spriggs: (off) And that's a dime to pay, so I'll pack up.

Bill: Prepare yourselves for part two. A coward's air-raid shelter in London.

ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok's theme

GRAMS: Footsteps running, shells whizzing overhead, shells exploding

Bloodnok: (over) Ohhh! Ohhh ohh!

GRAMS: Fred the Oyster, shells exploding, boots running

Bloodnok: (over) Ohhh! Ohh, no wonder I can't go to parties any more. Oh. Oh.

FX: Phone rings, receiver picked up

Bloodnok: Oh, yes?

Spike: (on phone) Bloodnok, this is the insurance company.

GRAMS: Bubbles

Spike: (on phone, over bubbles) It's no good sir, we've got to increase the premium on your underwear.

FX: Phone receiver hung up

Bloodnok: Oh dear. Switch that air-raid off, will you?

GRAMS: Switch clicked

Neddie: Pity, that air-raid goes in the top ten.

Bloodnok: Oh. So you like music, do you? Well, well. Do you happen to know Beethoven's Fifth motor car?

Neddie: How does it go?

Bloodnok: (car impression) Brrrrrrrrrrrrum pshpowww!

Neddie: (overcome) It's ... it's quite beautiful. Much better than Schubert's horse and cart.

Bloodnok: Yes, yes.

Neddie: Yes.

Bloodnok: Didn't get much of a laugh, but never mind. Well now ... British High Command have decided to deceive the Boche by creating a double for Monty's body.

Neddie: And who will it be?

Bloodnok: John Mills and Richard Attenborough.

Neddie: Why them?

Bloodnok: It's always John Mills and Battenbattenbutt ...

Banerjee: Wait a minute, please. But supposing, yes yes, they're supposing, man, supposing Monty's double is killed, and run over by a German armoured tram. Tell me about that, man.

Neddie: Then we create a Monty's treble.

Bloodnok: And what if the treble is struck down by a plague of German knee zeppelins?

Banerjee: What What? What ...

Neddie: Gentlemen ...

Banerjee: I ...

Neddie: To solve the problem ...

Banerjee: What, what?

Neddie: We must ask the Statistician Royal exactly how many Monty's doubles we need, so over to them.

ORCHESTRA: Descending chords link

FX: Metal objects dropped onto floor

Henry: (over) Oh dear, dear. I think this bed's had it, Min.

Minnie: Ah. You're right. Henry, it's going home.

Henry: Doesn't it live here anymore then, Min?

GRAMS: Springs straining and twanging

Minnie: (over) Now ... there it goes. Oh. oh dear.

GRAMS: Springs, then clock chiming

Henry: Was that you, Min?

Minnie: No! It was the ... the bed striking one.

Henry: Oh.

Minnie: Oh. Oh.

Henry: Ah. (smacking of lips)

Minnie: How. (smacking of lips) Oh dear, dear, dear.

Henry: Oh.

Minnie: Oh dear.

Henry: Oh dear, dear. Ah.

Minnie: Good ... goodnight, Henry.

Henry: Goodnight, Min.

Minnie: There's somebody laughing outside the bedroom door.

Henry: It's that lodger - we must get rid of him, Min.

Minnie: Lodger. Did you take your male hor ... did you take your ... male hormone pills?

Henry: Yes, Min.

Minnie: Ohh!

Henry: Yes. They give me the strength to go to sleep, Min.

Minnie: Yes, I know.

FX: Knocking on door

Henry: (over) Ohh.

Minnie: (over knocking) Ohh! (calls) Come ... come in!

FX: Door opens

Minnie: Come in.

FX: Coconut shells galloping

Minnie: (over) Ohh!

Neddie: (over galloping) Over, forwards, sideways and upwards!

FX: Coconut shells stop

Henry: How dare you ride a naked horse into our bedchambers!

Neddie: Don't worry. This horse is a nudist.

Minnie: I don't care. Get some clothes on him.

Neddie: Never! I refuse to ride a clothes-horse! Hup!

Spike: Hey!

OMNES: 'Ray! (applause)

Neddie: Stick it out folks, it won't be long now.

Minnie: The good ones lay an egg.

Neddie: Now Mr. Crun, have you got the statistics?

Henry: Very badly, sir, very ...

Minnie: Oh dear.

Neddie: Let me see.

Minnie: Oh.

Henry: Ohh!

Neddie: Aha ha ha.

Minnie: Don't look, Henry, don't look.

Neddie: Gad, so!

Minnie: Ohh.

Neddie: We need forty thousand Monty's doubles, eh? We'll have to form regiments. We'll start with Ray Ellington, who always precedes the brandy. Good luck, lad, good luck! Aho ho.



GRAMS: Cows mooing

Peter: He's drawing a very strange audience these days.

Bill: Ta. Part four. The Germans become suspicious.

ORCHESTRA: Deutschland Uber Alles music link

Spike (German): Gentlemen, this is part four, and we have just become suspicious.

Peter (German): I have just opened zis three-ounce tin of suspicion.

Harry (German): (smacking of lips) Mm, it tastes very suspicious.

Peter (German): Mm. Then our suspicions are vell founded. Last night General Montgomery was seen talking to a voluptuous woman in za Edgware Road. At zea same time he was seen talking to an exotic woman in Cairo. A second later 'e ver seen talking to a ravishing blonde in Barcelona. Gentlemen, who were these men?

Eccles: (lecherous) Who were those women? Aha ha ha.

FX: Slapstick

Eccles: (over) Oww oww. Oww oww. Oww. Who do you think you're hitting?

Harry: You!

Eccles: You ... you were right the first time. (aside) Little do they know they weren't hitting me, folks, they weren't hitting me.

Bill: This was the enigma.

Eccles: Enigma

Bill: Who was Eccles?

Eccles: Who was Eccles?

Peter (German): Ja, now listen, it is obvious that the enemy are using doubles. To find the original we must get the plans of an original General Fred Montgomery.

ORCHESTRA: Trombone flare link

Spike: (sings) I'm in love with an old trombone.

ORCHESTRA: Trombone flare

Flowerdew: Yes, it's very good, but entirely out of place, dear, very good. Yes.

Neddie: But now to assume my part as an MI5 officer in MI5.

Spriggs: Yes, Jim, secrecy is essential. Essen-tial! We know that the Germans are sponsing on the splo ...

FX: Door knocker taps once, then twice

Spriggs: (over) Ay ...

Neddie: A ...

Spriggs: Ssh ssh.

FX: Door knocker taps twice

Spriggs: What's that?

FX: Door knocker taps once, once and then twice

Neddie: Three, two, one, and then two knocks? I wonder what it means.

Bluebottle: It means I wanna come in, you twit. Ay. Message for you. I will read it. From Mrs. Gladys Wrenge, 45 Sebastopol Terrace, Scunthorpe. 'Sir, reference to room you 'ad 'ere durin' the pantomime season. Well, we know what it is, we know who done it, but for 'eavens sake tell us where it is!'

Neddie: Right. Next joke, please. Now, what's in that teapot?

Bluebottle: A ... a man.

FX: clink of teapot lid

Bluebottle: 'E says 'e wants to see you.

FX: Teapot lid rattled, then taken off

Neddie: (over) Come on out.

Moriarty: Owww. Just a minute, I'm just paying off the taxi.

Willium: Five and six, sir.

Moriarty: Er - thank you, boy.

Willium: That's it.

Moriarty: Well um, ah. Ah. Hello, Neddie. Ah.

Neddie: Now sir, will you explain why you were hiding in a teapot?

Moriarty: I don't like coffee.

Neddie: Let's try the second version of that gag, eh?

Moriarty: We'd better.

Neddie: Yes. Now, sir, will you explain why you were hiding in that teapot?

Moriarty: I had a date with a tea-bag!

ORCHESTRA: Tattyrah chord

Neddie: Two ... two for the price of one, folks ...

Moriarty: Yes.

Neddie: And guaranteed free from governments.

Grytpype: Ned, let me explain this tangled pastiche. This cream-coloured wreck is none other than General de Gaulle -Stones ...

Moriarty: Owwww!

Grytpype: ... Moriarty, leader of the Free French Women.

Neddie: Any free samples?

Grytpype: Down, boy, down! We are secret agents working under cover because of rain.

Neddie: Oh. Have you any means of identification?

Gytpype: Yes, I have two small warts on my belly.

Neddie: I'm afraid I must ask to see them.

Grytpype: There's no need to. Here is a full-scale ....

FX: Paper rustling

Grytpype: ... drawing of them, showing other environs, plus the dual carriageway leading south to my knees.

Neddie: Yes. Yes, these warts appear to be in order. Now then ...

Bluebottle: (disgruntled) I shouldn't 'ave come. I get nothing, cuttin' my parts down. I go straight home, I don't want to come ...

Neddie: So, gentlemen ...

Bluebottle: ... to this rotten show.

Neddie: I want to explain what we're trying to do.

Bluebottle: I do not want to come 'ere at all.

Neddie: Now under fur ...

Bluebottle: Dey tell me I gonna 'ave a lot to say this week.

Neddie: As I was saying, gentlemen ...

Bluebottle: My mum was alway moanin', I never had nothin' to say.

Neddie: (angry and loud) If you've got a grudge, out with it, man!

Bluebottle: Alright, I have! I got nothin' to say! You get all de actin' parts. I don't know why. I seen that rotten show of yours at the Palladium. No wonder Val Parnell's resigned, I tell you.

Neddie: You ...!

FX: Slapstick

Bluebottle: Yahay!

OMNES: Ay! Ay!

FX: Slapstick

Bluebottle: Ohhh! you twits! Look! You torn da legs off my shirt.

Neddie: Legs?

Bluebottle: Well, my shirts are made from mum's old drawers.

Neddie: Ssh, fool! On the BBC the word 'drawers' is verboten.

Bluebottle: Alright den, my shirts are made from mum's old verboten.

FX: Slapstick

Bluebottle: Ohhh! Ooh, my crits!

Moriarty: Get out o' way, dum. And now ... and now, Neddie, have you got the plans of the original Montgomery?

Neddie: I'm sorry, they're at the secret military laundry.

Grytpype: Oh. Then have you any idea of his future movements?

Neddie: Yes, we have. We have a marble statue of them. But you need written permission to see it.

FX: Scribbling on slate

Moriarty: Ah! There, there. There's a chit.

Neddie: Wait. This ink is still wet.

Moriarty: Yes, er er ... um, it's been raining, Ha ha, ha.

Grytpype: Aha ha ha.

Neddie: Aha ha ha.

Moriarty: Aha ha ha.

Neddie: I see.

Moriarty: Yes.

Neddie: (reading) 'Please allow one Moriarty to see statue of Montgomery's future movements', signed General Health-Isbad. Who's General Health-Isbad?

Grytpype: Mine is, it's been bad for years, Neddie.

Neddie: Oh. Gentlemen, I'm not satisfied with the standard of your jokes.

Spike: Yeah.

Neddie: They have a Teutonic ring. R-I-N-G, pronounced ...

GRAMS: Big Ben chime once

Grytpype: Ah, Neddie. Remember our blue German blood.

Neddie: (aside) As they spoke, I noticed that both their Birmingham Iron Crosses had been made in Germany.

Grytpype: Yes. Hands up, Neddie! Up down, up down, up down, up! When we take prisoners, we like them fit Neddie.

Neddie: So, you're German secret agents played by Lew and Leslie Grade!

Grytpype: Call it mis-casting if you wish. Moriarty ...

Moriarty: Major.

Grytpype: Destroy that statue of Monty's future movements. The war is ours!

Moriarty: Ayar!

GRAMS: Explosion

ORCHESTRA: Deutschland Uber Alles music link

Neddie: Ha ha ha ha. Don't be disheartened, listeners. That statue of Montgomery's movement was in fact only a statue of John Mills and Richard Attenborough's future movements. We, ha ... we British aren't aren't stupid, you know.

Bluebottle: Yes, you are, you're a lot o' twits. that's what you are. Look at my verbotens, all torn. I can't go out with birds like dis, can I?

Bill: (ahem) That night, one thousand guns of the Eighth Army thundered out their challenge.

Bluebottle: Bang! Ahee hee hee.

Bill: (ahem) All night the battle raged. The Germans counter-attacked singing rude songs ...

Peter (German): (sings) There was an old lady of Berlin ...

Bill (over) And making certain unsavoury gestures.

Peter (German): There's a einer batrieden ...

Bill: (over) Please!

Peter (German): Za batrieden.

Bill: Thank you. At Montgomery's double's HQ ...

Bluebottle: (mimic) Ays at ebery's ay-queue ...

Bill: His ever-ready staff ...

Bluebottle: (over) Ever-ready staff ...

Bill: (forceful) ... slept at the Alert.

Blebottle: At de alert.

OMNES: Crowd snoring and whistling

GRAMS: Rooster crow

OMNES: (pause) Smacking of lips, continue snoring, a few murmurs

GRAMS: Rooster crow

OMNES: (pause) Smacking of lips, snoring and whistling

GRAMS: Rooster crow commences

FX: Pistol shot

GRAMS: Remainder of rooster crow speeded up - fast

Bloodnok: (Over) Got him! I bet that's done him a power of good!

FX: Urgent knocking on tinny door

Bloodnok: (panic) It's a lie! Miss Bartok and I are just good friends, I tell you. That's all we can be.

Neddie: It's enough, isn't it? Ha ha.

Bloodnok: What?

Neddie: Open up! Open up this four-ounce tin of Bloodnok!

Bloodnok: Here's a tin-opener, open it yourself.

FX: Single tap on musical saw for spring effect

Neddie: Thank you. Now, hurry! The battle started an hour ago.

Bloodnok: Blast! We shall miss the first part - I shall have to hurry. (fade)

Neddie: Never mind! There's a matinee on Thursday.

Bloodnok: (off) Ah.

FX: Coconut shells galloping, together with bicycle bell ringing

Eccles: (over) Away ah ah oh oh.

Neddie: (over galloping) It's a man galloping on a bicycle.

Eccles: (over galloping) Oh. Whoah!

FX: Galloping stops

Eccles: Out o' my way, men! I'm on an urgent secret mission.

Neddie: What?

Eccles: I'm deserting! Aho ho. (aside) It's not me deserting, folks, it's Jor Damillkom Mills and Attenborough.

Peter: Who then was Eccles?

Eccles: Wamoh!

ORCHESTRA: Drums, chord held, then snare drum beat held under following

Bill: (over snare drum) By dawn the Germans had been routed. Victory was ours, and the English army went mad with joy.

ORCHESTRA: Drums stop

FX: Teacups rattling

GRAMS: Instrumental 'I'll See You Again' for 10 seconds

FX: (over) Teacups

Neddie: (over cups and music) They say it's been in all the papers, you know.

Peter : (over cups and music) We've had awfully nice weather for it.

Neddie: (over cups and music) We did, yes. We ... er, another fairy cake? There's more there.

Peter: (over cups and music) Just love one.

FX: Doors open

GRAMS: Music stops

Bloodnok: Stop this orgy, do you hear!

Neddie: I say.

Bloodnok: I bring bad news, and the payoff.

Spike: (off) The engine's running. Ha ha ha.

Bloodnok: That Battle of El Alamein we won was a fake. It was El Alamein's double, played by Eccles.

Eccles: So dat's who I was. (sings one long high note - held for 11 seconds) Ohhhhowwohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Bill: (after 8 seconds into Spike's note, over) And, on that note we end this week's show,

Eccles: (note ends) Aha ha ha ha.

Bill: I believe there's quite a good bus service from here, so goodnight.

GRAMS: Sheep bleating for 5 seconds

Bill: Among the sheep in this recorded Goon Show were Wally Stott and his Orchestra, Max Geldray, The Ray Ellington Quartet, Harry Secombe, Peter Sellers and Spike Milligan, who writes it. Those who were fleeced were Wallace Greenslade, Announcer, and Producer John Browell, who ... often wishes he could ...

ORCHESTRA: 'Old Comrades' - 32 seconds

ORCHESTRA: (Playout)