The Great Bank Robbery

Series 7, Episode 7

Originally broadcast 15th November 1956. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens. Transcribed by Moriarty. Adjustments by thegoonshow.net

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Vol. 10: You Can't Get the Wood, You Know!

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GREENSLADE:
This is the BBC Light Programme

FX:
Gunshot

GREENSLADE:
Ooooooh yaroooool! Who shot me?

SECOMBE:
Me, Wal. Just seeing if you were alert

GREENSLADE:
My senses are very alert

SECOMBE:
Never mind, little steaming nut announcer, worororahum. Open up that parcel of mangos and read the contents

GREENSLADE:
Right, the title of the mango I'm holding is 'The Great Bank Robbery'

ORCHESTRA:
Dramatic timpani roll anticlimaxed by corny woodwind chord

GREENSLADE:
Next dance please! 'The Great Bank Robbery': Part one, an idiot in an attic

ORCHESTRA:
Bass drum banging to a marching rhythm

SEAGOON:
[With bass drum] Hols hup! Two three. Hols hup! Two three. Hup!

FX:
Rapid knocks on door

SEAGOON:
Curse! How dare someone get me out of bed at this time of night?

FX:
Door opens

SEAGOON:
Yes?

GRYTPYPE:
Ah - may we get out of our beds and come in?

SEAGOON:
Who are you?

GRYTPYPE:
Ah - Moriarty, show him the photograph of who I am

MORIARTY:
Certaimont, voy la!

SEAGOON:
Gad it's you, entres!

GRYTPYPE:
Thank you. Have a bugle

ORCHESTRA:
Bugle plays high Bb note

SEAGOON:
Lovely, so fragrant!

GRYTPYPE:
Yes, and only 10 and 6 a packet

SEAGOON:
Now, who's your friend?

GRYTPYPE:
This is, and...

MORIARTY:
Tell him, tell him

GRYTPYPE:
Yeah, I will. I quote from this plasticine model of Gilbert Harding; this is Count Jim Thighs...

MORIARTY:
Aaaaw

GRYTPYPE:
...Moriarty, international chauffeur extraordinaire and general handyman

SEAGOON:
What can I do for you?

MORIARTY:
We heard you playing melody

GRYTPYPE:
Melody

MORIARTY:
Melody

SEAGOON:
Oh, that melody. You like it, eh? [Chuckles] Well I'm practising to enter the world's long distance bass drum race, from John O'Groats to land's end

GRYTPYPE:
And just the right weather for it too, bei jove

SEAGOON:
Alas, unfortunately I have not the wherewithal to buy a really fast racing drum

GRYTPYPE:
Oh. Neddie, have a Trombone

ORCHESTRA:
Trombone plays low D note

SEAGOON:
My, they're lower than bugles

GRYTPYPE:
And they suit you, yes. Tell me, Neddie, how much wherewithal do you need for this racing drum?

SEAGOON:
£8/10 wherewithal

GRYTPYPE:
Mmn. Neddie, with your help, I think we can raise the necessary wherewithal

SEAGOON:
[Going up to very high pitch:] Whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat?

GRYTPYPE:
Look, please don't do that full face, do you mind? Now, Neddie, we're going to play a little naughty game. Now this is what we do; first we sew you into this mattress, like so

MORIARTY & GRYTPYPE:
[Small strains]

GREENSLADE:
According to the markings on this Albino turnip and the seating arrangements on this banana, Neddie was about to become an innocent participant in a fiendish-type robbery

SEAGOON:
I'm innocent I tell you, innocent

GREENSLADE:
Now if...

SEAGOON:
I wasn't there, I was with Jim. You know Jim? Big Jim

GREENSLADE:
Now if you'll...

SEAGOON:
Big Jim, Little Jim, Big Jim's brother

GREENSLADE:
Now if you'll just li...

SEAGOON:
Little Jim

GREENSLADE:
Oh will you shut up?!

SEAGOON:
I'm innocent

GREENSLADE:
N.... Now if you'll just...

SEAGOON:
I'm innocent

GREENSLADE:
Will you shut up?!

ECCLES:
He's innocent, he said

GREENSLADE:
Now if you'll just listen by this...

SEAGOON:
Innocent, ha ha ha!

GREENSLADE:
I'll get it in if it kills me. Now if you just listen by this window, you will hear part two

CAST:
[Rhubarbs]

FX:
Rapid hammering

CAST:
[Rhubarbs continue]

CRUN:
Quiet, quiet, quiet, please!

FX:
More rapid hammering

CRUN:
Gentlemen, quiet. [Rhubarbs stop] Gentlemen, as I was saying; I decided to start this bank. So I got a financier to put up the money and a builder to put up the building

BANNISTER:
Aaahhaaaaha

CRUN:
What what? Speak up, speak up

BANNISTER:
What did, ooooo, what did you put up, buddy?

CRUN:
I put up a sign saying, 'Henry Crun, Banker'

BANNISTER:
Horray!

CRUN:
Licensed to sell the moneys

OLD SECOMBE:
No offence ~~~, Mr Crun, but ah - why um - mmnmnmnm. Why did you call it 'Crun's Bank'?

CRUN:
After my dear daddy, Lance Corporal Hoggins

OLD SECOMBE:
Butn butn butn, you haven't haven't called the bank that!

CRUN:
Of course I haven't. You can't call a bank 'Lance Corporal Hoggins'. This is not a military bank, you know

SPRIGGS:
Aaaaah, just a minute, Jim

CRUN:
What?

SPRIGGS:
If we put our wherewithal, the money, if we put this money in the bank, how will we know it will be safe, Jim?

OLD SECOMBE:
That's right, aye, fair dos

SPRIGGS:
I am right. That man can't even afford teeth, let alone money. As I was saying, if I put this money in the bank, how do I know it'll be safe? I've always kept my money in a mattress!

OLD SECOMBE:
And, and I've always been satisfied, nnnn nnn, with my wherewithal, the money the money in my mattress

CRUN:
[Chuckles] Oh dear, dear, dear, gentlemen, gentlemen

BANNISTER:
Speak up, will you, I can't hear...

CRUN:
This ancient method of keeping monies in mattresses is stupid. In my bank, the monies a placed in a... They're placed in a tea caddy and THEN they're put in a mattress. Double strength security!

BANNISTER:
Hurray!

OLD SECOMBE:
Wait, wait, Mr Crun. Is this ummmmm, is this yon mattress burglar-proof?

BANNISTER:
Is it burglar-proof?

OLD SECOMBE:
Burglar-proof? Is it burglar-proof?

CRUN:
Sure it is, hand-sewn by a locksmith

BANNISTER:
What type of locksmith?

CRUN:
A Latvian locksmith and only one other person knows the combination

SPRIGGS:
Who's that?

CRUN:
The swine who stole all the money last night!

CAST:
[Rhubarbs]

FX:
Rattling coins and cash registers opening

CRUN:
Gentlemen, gentlemen, stop these naughty withdrawals. There's no need to worry, it was only a fake desk robbery done by the insurance agent to test out security guards

SPRIGGS:
And was he satisfied?

CRUN:
I don't know, the guard shot him

CAST:
[Claps...] Hurray etc.

CRUN:
Thank you, thank you for your support, I shall always wear it. And now, gentlemen I declare the bank OPEN!

BANNISTER:
Hurray!

FX:
Shop bell

GRYTPYPE:
Good morning, cashier. We would like to open an account and pay [strains:] in this mattress

GREENSLADE:
Certainly, sir. I'll just count it

FX:
Boing!

GREENSLADE:
One. Yes, it's all here, sir. Erh...

SEAGOON:
[Muffled:] Whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat?

GREENSLADE:
I say, sir, there's a man in there

GRYTPYPE:
Um - yes, yes, he's a friend of ours. Um - we're putting him up for the night, aren't we?

GREENSLADE:
Oooh, yes, I see. In that case, I'll have it put into your own vault and if anything happens, it's your own f/vault, ha ha ha!

ORCHESTRA:
Woodwind chord, symbol crash

GRYTPYPE:
Thank you. And now, to the next customer in the red, Max Geldray

MORIARTY:
The new sound, aaw!

MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA:
"How About You?"

GREENSLADE:
Now, according to this parcel of fruit from Australia, marked 'Fragile' and the damage contents they're in, we present 'The Great Bank Robbery' part three

GRYTPYPE:
Yes, yes. I'll take over from here, Wallace

GRAMS:
Big Ben chiming at variable speeds

GRYTPYPE:
With midnight chiming in all directions and Neddie safe inside Crun's bullion vaults, the plan for the daring bank robbery was put into operation. So over now to a secret blacked out airshipdrome at Potter's Bar

GRAMS:
Spinning propeller

FRED NURKE:
Righto lads. Settle down, Eidelberger, settle down

EIDELBERGER:
Settle down, he says? Me who's been married ten times and all on the National Health?

FRED NURKE:
Quiet, Mein Herr. Now where's that Japanese Jap pilot, Yakamoto?

YAKAMOTO:
[Gibberish Japanese for 2 sec.] I am here, Mr Blass. I was just combing my teeth, I could not find a brush

FRED NURKE:
Righto, lads, belt up now. This is Grytpype's plan, eh? At three seconds to one, or thereabouts, we take off in Count Eidelberger's zeppelin in the direction of up

EIDELBERGER:
~~~~~~~~~~

YAKAMOTO:
Oh boy!

FRED NURKE:
At half past, we hover over Crun's Bank and lower four sky-hoops

YAKAMOTO:
Whoopee!

FRED NURKE:
A gentleman already secreted i... I say, can we have a bit of music? This part's a bit boring

YAKAMOTO:
I play saxophone

ORCHESTRA:
Saxophone plays lively melody - under:

FRED NURKE:
Thank you. Right, now, as I was saying: a gentleman already secreted in a mattress will affix the hoops to the sides of the bank and we wrench the whole lot up. Now pay off the flute player and off we go

FX:
Cash register

FRED NURKE:
Is that clear to you?

EIDELBERGER:
No

FRED NURKE:
Why not?

EIDELBERGER:
There's a heavy mist

FRED NURKE:
Let me look. [Strains] Four pounds, ten ounces. By the centre it's heavy

EIDELBERGER:
Not only by the centre, but at both ends too! Now get in this zeppelin, mit aus kabloongen volkischer bierwerken kreuzkrrrgggg

FRED NURKE:
Are you are German, Eildelberger?

EIDELBERGER:
Nein. No self-respecting German would have a phoney accent like zis!

YAKAMOTO:
Please, ah - second phoney accent would like to speak. A fiendish hand-painted zeppelin stuffed with horse hair, are ready for takeoff in general direction of up

FRED NURKE:
Wait a moment, it looks like a 7:20 train to Bradford, does that?

EIDELBERGER:
Exactly. That, my friend, is a zeppelin in disguise

FRED NURKE:
Ooh. Well, in you get. Contact! Cast-off! Put the dinner on!

GRAMS:
Train whistle, train chugs fade away getting faster

GREENSLADE:
Listeners with keen ears and socks to match will recognise that even the sound of the zeppelin has been disguised as a 7:20 train to Bradford. Quel merveilleuse ingenuitay!

SEAGOON:
I'm innocent, absolutely innocent. I was with filthy Fred

GREENSLADE:
Meanwhile...

SEAGOON:
You know filthy Fred?

GREENSLADE:
Will you shut up?! Meanwhile...

SEAGOON:
I'm innocent

GREENSLADE:
Meanwhile...

SEAGOON:
I wasn't there, ha ha!

GREENSLADE:
According to this...

SEAGOON:
Meanwhile

GREENSLADE:
Meanwhile, according to this fine head of cabbage, now under treatment at an LCC Chiropodists...

MIN:
Excuse me, message for you. The young man over there said that he's innocent, thank you

SEAGOON:
Champions of liberty!

GREENSLADE:
I've never heard of Millicent. Anyhow, we find that back at the bank; the vaults are being patrolled by a stall-watch security guard with a loaded bullet

FX:
Running footsteps, boing, strain!

BLUEBOTTLE:
Ooh! What was that? I heard a sound plunge. Plinge, plat plodgee!

SEAGOON:
[Muffled:] [Makes straining noises]

BLUEBOTTLE:
Oooooooh! Mummy! There's somebody straining in the dark corner over there! Switches on torch: switch! As done by switch. Beam of light falls on eerie scene. Ooooh! There's someone struggling in the mattress. I will make a simple test and find out what is in it

FX:
Gunshot

SEAGOON:
Aeough!

BLUEBOTTLE:
I have shot him in his mattress!

SEAGOON:
You fool, I'm only playing in the game. Now take this knife and cut me out

BLUEBOTTLE:
Righto, then. Rip, riip!

SEAGOON:
Whoop! Thank you

BLUEBOTTLE:
What was you doing inside the mattress, captain?

SEAGOON:
It was short of stuffing

BLUEBOTTLE:
Aaehh. You're well stuffed, aren't you, captain!

SEAGOON:
Yes, it was a Christmas present from my auntie

BLUEBOTTLE:
What are you stuffed with, then?

SEAGOON:
With horse hair

BLUEBOTTLE:
Fancy that then

SEAGOON:
Yes

BLUEBOTTLE:
Captain, do horses wear widges on their ears?

SEAGOON:
Widges? No such thing

BLUEBOTTLE:
Then what is an earwidge, captain?

SEAGOON:
It's a captain of earwidges!

ORCHESTRA:
Woodwind chord, symbol crash

MILLIGAN:
Hoy!

SEAGOON:
That didn't get much of a laugh, did it? [Giggles] They'll be better second house. Now, 'The Great Bank Robbery' part four

GRAMS:
Whirr of aerial vehicle

SEAGOON:
Listen, gerblunden. They're playing the record of a horse hair-stuffed zeppelin right above us! This is the game Grytpype told me about. Little lad, see what's up there?

BLUEBOTTLE:
Ooh, a zellepin, captain

SEAGOON:
A good try, lad. Wait, who's this being lowered from the zellepin by his feet?

ECCLES:
Ooohoho! Hallo, fellers! [With applause: Thank you, thank you] Hey, what are you doing upside down?

SEAGOON:
The newcomer was a blackened wreck bearing signs of a recent devastating explosion

ECCLES:
Yeah. Some naughty man gave me a cigar stuffed with horse hair

SEAGOON:
How did that explode?

ECCLES:
I put it out in a barrel of gun powder

SEAGOON:
What were you doing in a barrel of gun powder?

ECCLES:
I was practicing exploding myself for Guy Fawkes Night

SEAGOON:
What a beautiful melody. How does it go again?

GRAMS:
Short explosion

SEAGOON:
Ah, they don't write tunes like that these days

ECCLES:
Well I'm glad

SEAGOON:
Now, if you'll just help me stick these hoops in the four corners of the bank, then we can all go home!

FX:
Hammering and rattling chains

BLUEBOTTLE, ECCLES & SEAGOON:
[Rhubarb over FX]

SEAGOON:
That's it! Right! Now I'm off to get the money from Grytpype

EIDELBERGER:
Eccles! Are you all set down zhere?

ECCLES:
Yeah! Haul away up there

GRAMS:
Straining floorboards, falling bricks, metal work pulling

GRYTPYPE:
Dear listeners, from the Drunkards Lounge of the Tempreds Hotel opposite, I watched Crun's Bank hoisted into the belly of the zellepin. The noise of the operation being covered by a recording of a piece of cardboard highly amplified by Ray Ellington

MORIARTY:
The new cardboard sound, folks

RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET:
"Razzle Dazzle"

GREENSLADE:
That was Ray Ellington; I say he's done well for himself. Now, according to this tray of reddish stone walnuts, the news of the zeppelin bank robbery flashed 'round the world and finally came to the notice of, of all people, the British police!

FX:
Phone rings, handset lifts up

BLOODNOK:
What? Yes!

FX:
Handset put down

BLOODNOK:
Ooohoho! Gentlemen, a mystery has been committed. Prepare the police airship for immediate pursuit

MILLIGAN:
[Not worried] Right, sir

BLOODNOK:
Issue the following description

MILLIGAN:
[Not worried] Right, sir

FX:
Typing typewriter over:

BLOODNOK:
Wanted: one large horse hair poltis stuffed zeppelin disguised as 7:20 train to Bradford with Crun's Bank attached. Last seen going in the direction of up near Blackpool

MILLIGAN:
[Not worried] Right, sir

MILLIGAN:
[Speaking very slowly] Ah - ah - pardon me, sir

BLOODNOK:
What what what what what?

MILLIGAN:
[Speaking very slowly] The ah - the police airship has been -

BLOODNOK:
What what? Mm?

MILLIGAN:
Just a minute, sir. [Speaking very slowly] The police airship has been stuffed with - fresh horse hair - and is - waiting - directly - over - head

BLOODNOK:
Yes. Here, have a Benzedrine

MILLIGAN:
Thank you, sir. - [Gulps] - I say how long do...[speeds up to gibberish]

BLOODNOK:
Right. Lower skyhooks and haul up the police station

MILLIGAN:
[More sped up gibberish]

GRAMS:
Metal work pulling, revolving propeller, police bell

MORIARTY:
Oooh! Great steaming bowlers, Grytpype! Look through this modern chop whisker telescope

GRYTPYPE:
Gad! It's a police airship going in the direction of up near Blackpool

MORIARTY:
Quick, I'll get von Eidelberger on the Morse code. I'll just strap myself in

FX:
Morse code buzzing

EIDELBERGER:
[In this scene: through phone:] [To Morse code] Ya ya ya ya. Ya ya ya ya. Ya ya ya

MORIARTY:
~~~~~~. Eidelberger, what course are you on?

EIDELBERGER:
Prunes and custard

MORIARTY:
You fool! Listen, you must throw yourself overboard at once. A police airship is chasing you and they've already reached a speed of hot pie and peas!

EIDELBERGER:
Gerfalshit snorkel arolsich ~~~~~~~! We are standing on a Edgware road. Yakamoto!

YAKAMOTO:
[Gibberish Oriental]

EIDELBERGER:
Serve cheese and biscuits and full speed ahead!

MORIARTY:
Right. Make for John O'Groats. He's a friend of mine

FX:
Phone handset put down

GRYTPYPE:
Well done, Moriarty.

FX:
Door opens, bass drum banging

MORIARTY:
A Charlie

GRYTPYPE:
Ah, Neddie! Have a piano

ORCHESTRA:
Piano plays extended C chord

SEAGOON:
Ta. Well, I've finished the game at the bank. Now where's the £8/10?

GRYTPYPE:
Surprise, Neddie, surprise. We've spent the money on anew racing drum

MORIARTY:
[Gets excited] Yes, it will be waiting for you at the starting line of the drum race at John O'Groats

SEAGOON:
Splendid! [Laughs] Gad, with this drum I'll be the first past the post at Land's End. Goodbye!

GRYTPYPE & MORIARTY:
Goodbye...

FX:
Door closes

MORIARTY:
Charlie! Little Charlie!

GRYTPYPE:
Naughty little Charlie! And Moriarty, guess what Neddie will be carrying inside his new racing drum

MORIARTY:
Aaaaaaaaw! Fifty thousand pounds from Crun's Bank in crisp notes! [Gets really excited]

GRYTPYPE:
Money to burn! Go and get the sardine tins and oil yourself. And while Bloodnok's zeppelin is heading north to find it, the money will be coming safely south inside an innocent looking racing bass drum. And with that boring exposé of the plot, over to the BBC

ORCHESTRA:
Woodwind chord, symbol crash

GREENSLADE:
Thank you. Part five: the last day of the Tour de Britain Bass Drum Race, hup!

GRAMS:
Running footsteps with lots of banging bass drums

ANNOUNCER (SELLERS):
[Over Grams:] Well, hello folks. Here we are at Cob's Corner, a bear half mile from the finishing post of the Tour de Britain five day bass drum race. And here, comes Stirling Moss beating a 1926 all wood British racing drum, followed closely by Sheila van Dan beating her highly tuned father, and... What's this now? Yes! Yes! My goodness, they're really coming along here! It's a wonderful day! You can see them all beating their drums as they come...! Yes, that was the Italian ace - Giuseppe Fred Saponee, thundering into the straits of the sticks of a very fast waltz drum. So over now to the finishing line!

GRAMS:
Previous grams with cheering

ECCLES:
Oorooy! Oorrooy! Oorrooy!

BLUEBOTTLE:
Eccles

ECCLES:
Yeah?

BLUEBOTTLE:
I wonder where Neddie is

ECCLES:
I wonder where Neddie is, Bluebottle

BLUEBOTTLE:
Yeah, where Neddie is

ECCLES:
Yeah. I wonder where that Neddie is

BLUEBOTTLE:
All the other runners have finished

ECCLES:
Ooooh! Then he stands a good chance of coming in last

ECCLES & BLUEBOTTLE:
[Slowly:] He stands a good chance of coming in last! Yeah

FX:
Running and banging

ECCLES & BLUEBOTTLE:
Oooh! Here he comes! Hairy comes!

SEAGOON:
Ah! At last! Land's End! To go further would be silly. I made it! Scilly, get it? Scilly Isles! Ha ha ha! Scilly Isles... I'm guilty

CORNISHMAN (SELLERS):
Captain Seagoon, welcome to Land's End, my dear. Now the traditional privilege of the last man in. We give you this cheque for £8/10 and then we burn your old drum on the bonfire. Ar har har har!

GRAMS:
Roaring fire, crackling

SEAGOON:
Will this be a happy ending?

FX:
Running footsteps

GRYTPYPE & MORIARTY:
[Out of breath]

MORIARTY:
Ask him, ask him

GRYTPYPE:
Hello, Neddie, hello. So sorry we're late. Mmmnnnnn, now where's the bass drum?

MORIARTY:
Yes, where's the bass drum?

GRYTPYPE:
Where is it?

SEAGOON:
Well that's it up there on top of the fire

MORIARTY:
Ooooow! The money's inside!

GRYTPYPE:
The fire! Start the water! Fire!

FX:
Running footsteps

GRYTPYPE & MORIARTY:
[Make worrying sounds, under:]

GREENSLADE:
Here is an announcement. Early this morning, two men were admitted to Brook Street Hospital with scorched fingers. The foreign office spokesman said: The men were trying to retrieve a bass drum from a bonfire. Who said the British aren't musical? Goodnight, Charlies, everywhere

SEAGOON:
I'm innocent!

ORCHESTRA:
Playout: "Lucky Strike"

GREENSLADE:
That was The Goon Show. A BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens. Announcer: Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Pat Dixon

CAST:
['Sing' to the music:]

BLOODNOK & MORIARTY:
[With Sax solo:] Bum bum bada diddle dee, yam boddie dooo! Etc.

MORIARTY:
[With interlude:] Oh, I've melody. I've got melo melody. Racing drum, lucky...

BLOODNOK & MORIARTY:
[With Trombone solo:] [More 'singing']

BLOODNOK:
Come along Min, now!

MIN BANNISTER:
[With Piano solo:] Yim bum yibble dee... etc.

THROAT:
[With Guitar solo:] [More Yim bum etc.]

BLOODNOK & MORIARTY:
[On last chord] Oooooooooh!

MAX GELDRAY / RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET:
"Stompin' at the Savoy"