Goon Show Script
The Tay Bridge Disaster
Series 9, Episode 15
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BILL:
This is the BBC Light Programme. Tiddey pong.
SEAGOON:
And now the same thing in Aramaic. Tiddey pong.
GRAMS:
PETER AND SPIKE Ping tar nat plung tar fern tule, knin, querdge, harat, Hume. DURING THE RECORDING PETER & SPIKE HIT A COW BELL, TEMPLE BLOCK, BLOW A WHISTLE DUCK CALL (PLAY FAST).
BILL:
It sounds naughty.
SEAGOON:
It is.
MORIARTY :
And there's more where that came from -
F.X.:
COLOSSAL SLAPSTICK
MORIARTY :
SHRIEK
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE :
Back you fumed frog of a man.
SEAGOON:
Mr Greenslade, clutch the shins, and announce this announcement on the wireless set.
BILL:
(megaphone) Hello England.
ECCLES:
(off) Hello...
BILL:
I give up. (goes off muttering).
PETER
(megaphone) Snatching up his dying announcement Ned continues Aye!
SEAGOON:
(megaphone) Hello folks, leather speaking trumpet announcement in the modem wireless talking manner. To celebrate the 200th anniversary of Burns, Cuts and Bruises, we go over to the Krutty-Crab ridden seashore of the Scotland.
ORCHESTRA:
DRONE CHORDS.
CHISHOLM PLAYS TATTY TROMBONE BAGPIPE MELODY.
CHISHOLM DECIDES TO SING A SCOTS MELODY DEVINE.
GRAMS:
JELLY SPLOSH.
CHISHOLM CONTINUES TO PLAY TROMBONE, ALMOST IMMEDIATELY.
F.X.:
PISTOL SHOT.
GEORGE:
Och Nigger nag the noo.
F.X.:
CLANG OF TROMBONE HITTING THE GROUND.
ORCHESTRA:
REVERT TO VERY FAST TATTY 'I WANT TO BE HAPPY' PLAYOFF. GREAT CYMBAL SMASH AT THE END, CYMBAL FALLS TO THE GROUND.
F.X.:
DROP A LOAD OF CYMBALS TO BOOST IT.
HAIRY SCOT :
Hernia, the nig eertt the noon lem thee noonnn.
MATCHROAT:
Ocgghhh.
SEAGOON:
Hello, hello hello, Ned, calling on his Mac Megaphone made from red Scottish hairs folks. These sounds were the dreaded sounds of the Phantom Trombonist of the Glen.
HAIRY SCOT
Ayeeeee they do say it's the ghost of George Chishoim's grandfather, killed one stormy night when the Tay Bridge died.
GEORGE
That's troo, real troo, I was killed outright, the noo!
SEAGOON:
Thank you George Chisholm and his phoney Scots accent!
GEORGE:
(rage) Oi Vay Mon Nigger nang the noon.
SEAGOON:
There he goes folks, he and speaking part fee of two guineas.
WOLFIT:
And now! The tale... 'twas a dark and windy night...
GRAMS:
WIND HOWLSING
BLOODNOK :
(off) Ohhhhhhhhh!
WOLFIT:
... and as far as the eye could see it was 1878 and (self fade) the krins were...
GRAMS:
WIND HOWLS. EXPLOSION (DISTANT).
BLOODNOK :
Ohhhh so soon in the programme... ohhhhhh.
SEAGOON:
In the year 1878 I had a bridge building company in Suckeyhall Street, I didn't have an office but I did have a suckeyhall Street - ha ha ho he ho!
GRAMS:
MIX IN TERRIBLE MASS CROWDS BRAWL. SMASHING GLASS, SCREAMS, DISTANT BAGPIPE AT SPEED.
SEAGOON:
Hear that? Celtic versus the Rangers.
HAIRY SCOT:
Aye! While half Scotland crammed the Fotbaw Stadium, Ned dillingently went about building up his business.
SEAGOON:
(sings) 'I belongs to Glasgow' (talks) Ice Creams, fotbaw badges, bandages, guns, clubs. (sings) 'Dear old Glasgow town.
F.X.:
PENNY IN A TIN CUP
SEAGOON:
Thank you sir, a dud Burmese sixpence? Scotland for ever sir!
RAY:
Och Aye and Oi Vay Mon, it's a warum bracht moonlacht nacht for the Schidduch the noo mon.
SEAGOON:
And Bless old Ghana too!
RAY :
Folks, I don't know how I get these parts, I just don't know.
MAX :
What about me boy? Dey got me down as a Chinese.
RAY :
Man, you won t get away wid it.
MAX :
I know boy, it's the old Conk that gives me away.
SEAGOON:
Never mind Max, it keeps the rain of yer tie mate.
MAX :
Yes! Dat conk is working for me boy, Ploogie!
WILLIUM:
'Old it, 'old on yer, what's all this? An Englishman, Irishman and a Jew? Wot you a doin' of then.
SEAGOON:
We're just posing for a joke.
WILLIUM:
Can't you read that hairy sign mate? 'No Posin' for English, Irish or Jewish jokes on even dates. Lift up yer 'at!
F.X.:
RESOUNDING WHACK ON HEAD
SEAGOON:
(Scream).
WILLIUM:
Now sign this receipt for that lump I just gid yer.
GRAMS:
SHORT HOT XYLOPHONE BREAK
SEAGOON:
There.
WILLIUM:
Wassis? Maureen Shag? That yourn name?
SEAGOON:
No, that's the name of my signature.
GRAMS:
SMASH AND GRAB RAID IN MIDDLE DISTANCE. SHOP WINDOW SMASHES. POLICE WHISTLE TOOTING.
WILLIUM:
'Ark on it? It's the sound of a pea vibrating inside a metal cylinder agitated by human wind known to the outside world as a Rozzers Flut(' or a Narks Lullabyc. 'Ere them criminals don't arf lead us a dance.
SEAGOON:
Take your partners for the smash and grab one step!
GRAMS:
OLD PRE-ELECTRIC RECORDING OF A BAND PLAYING A ONE STEP. MIX IN COPPERS CROOKS POLICE WHISTLES. OCCASIONAL WHACK ON HEAD. FADE UNDER.
SEAGOON:
Gad what a night that was...!
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE :
You dance devinely little hybrid fellow.
SEAGOON:
You must be Lou Praeger.
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE :
Ha ha ha oh you Ejevil. Is that your barrel organ outside?
SEAGOON:
Yes.
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE :
Drive me to the millionaire's entrance to the Unemployment Exchange.
SEAGOON:
Splendid it's his ttirn on the barrel organ.
GRAMS:
TAXI FLAG DOWN
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE :
Step on it!
SEAGOON:
So saying he threw down a dog end.
GRAMS:
MIX A BARREL ORGAN AND A CAR DRIVING AWAY TOGETHER. SPEED UP.
BILL:
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Suckey Hall Labour Exchange.
ORCHESTRA:
SNORING...
MACGOONIGAL :
Ohh oh what a glorious sight to see
Ten Thousand unemployed Scotsmen
All happy and Free.
They lay there kipping
Row after row and...
F.X.:
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK ON DOOR
MACGOONIGAL
Ohhh? oh ah?
(all snoring stops as though in panic)
MORIARTY :
Everybody quiet - who's there who's dat there? Is it work?
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE
No it's me, Thynne. Friend of the weary.
F.X.:
DOOR OPENS
SEAGOON:
The door was opened by a heavily strained wreck wearing the' string remains of an ankle length vest, a secondhand trilby and both feet in one sock.
MORIARTY :
And there's more where that came from. I'm a true son of France, I... (screams over following)
F.X.:
SLAPSTICK
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE
Ned, this is the great French revolutionary shop-steward and rifle-range target Count Jim Le 'Steamnuts'...
GRAMS:
BURST OF STEAM
F.X.:
BURST OF STEAM AND CASTANETS
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE
... Moriarty. Men of the Royal Labour Exchange, I have good news. I have had talks with the Prime Minister and he has granted us a further extension of unemployment.
ORCHESTRA:
CHEERS & GRAMS
MACGOONIGAL
And as the Highlanders did shout hooray Max Conks Geldray
was seen for to play.
SEAGOON:
Hooray, time for Brandy!
GRAMS:
GREAT RUSHING AWAY OF BOOTS
MAX :
MAX & MUSIC ORCHESTRA
(applause)
GRAMS:
WAVES ON ROCKY COAST. SEA BIRDS CIRCLING & SQUEALING.
BILL:
From a rocky ledge on Skilla Brae I announce part two. Why I am on a rocky ledge on Skilla Brae I just don't know, I am but a humble announcer, and these sea-birds are no respector of persons.
GRAMS:
SNORING AND DISTANT BAGPIPES
SEAGOON:
(mouth noises) Three blissful months I spent in the Labour Exchange, and then one day!
F.X.:
PHONE RINGS
MORIARTY :
Owwwww... the phone it's ringing.
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE
You fumed frog, I thought you told me that that phone was unemployed. Ned, you take it, it might be the fiend at work.
F.X.:
PHONE OFF HOOK
SEAGOON:
Don't worry chaps, they'll never know... (Jewish) Hello, Israeli Embassy Golders Green here.
JIM:
Hello is that the Scottish Labour Exchange?
SEAGOON:
Yes. Ahhhhh.
JIM:
Listen Jim. Listen Jimmmmmmmmmm!
SEAGOON:
I'm listening Jimmmmmmmmmm!
JIM:
Is that Seagoon the famous bridge-builder.
SEAGOON:
Yes indeed. My name has spread from the little basement I work in, to the old lady next door and back again.
JIM:
Come to this address at once Jim it means money ... Moneeeyy.
SEAGOON:
(mad) Money!
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE
Money.
GRAMS:
WHOOSH WITH SCREAM OF THYNNE & HARRY GOING WITH IT
BILL:
From a straight Jacket at the bottom of the Thames, I announce a meeting of the Glasgow L.C.C.
GRAMS:
FADE IN SCOTTISH REEL DANCERS WHOOPS YELLS, MUSIC ACCOMPANIMENT BY A TYPIC'AL SCOTTISH BAND. OCCASIONAL SMASHED GLASS, OCCASIONAL DRUNKEN YELL.
HAIRY SCOT :
Oh ha ha ha ha, oh that's enough the no.... what's the date?
SPIKE:
The First of Joone.
HAIRY SCOT :
Ay, well we must now declare Hogmanay officially over.
BILL:
Hoots Mon sir, the applicants for the new bridge is waiting the noo Och Aye Mon.
HAIRY SCOT :
Who's first?
ECCLES:
Och Aye me mon. Mac Eccles.
HAIRY SCOT :
You ever built bridges before?
ECCLES
Yep, I built the Ummmbababab Bridge in 1867... and I just finished the Forth Bridge.
HAIRY SCOT :
When did you build that?
ECCLES:
A fter the first three fell down oh ha ha ha ahhh.
HAIRY SCOT
If it's as old as that gag, I'm not surprised. Well let's hear the plans for the new bridge.
ECCLES:
I'll sing it. GRAMS: TWO PIANOS, BASS & DRUMS VERSION OF MUSIC WHILE YOU WORK (sings) My idea of a Bridge of the River Tay would be made of nice string wood, and string, wid all nice glue, and it would have all dem nails in. ...
ORCHESTRA:
SOUND OF SCOTTISH SIMMERING RAGE: 'RRRRRRRS'.
HAIRY SCOT
Ah lads, put them claymores away... Mr Mac
ECCLES:
that Bridge don't soond very good to me.
ECCLES:
Well perhaps if I got a better singer to sing it.
HAIRY SCOT
No, it's not your voice or your bridge, it's... it's, well it's hard to explain without a mirror.
ECCLES
What what, you all better watch out you Scottish men, or I'll tell you what happened at the ball of Killymuir.
HAIRY SCOT :
(panic) Stop him lads!
ECCLES
I saw you in haystacks, I saw you in the ricks ha, ha ha and I couldn't hear the music.
GRAMS:
WHOOSH AND JELLY SPLOSH (THE MACREEKIE RISING JELLY SPLOSH)
HAIRY SCOT :
Got him, right in the credentials...
SEAGOON:
(megaphone) Hello hello hello Scottish folks devine, I will now sing and play my own bridge devine. (sings) I'll build a bridge of Power, across the River Tay where the dawn comes up like thunder out of China, Cross the Bayyyyy.
ORCHESTRA:
MUTTERS OF SCOTTISH APPROVAL. 'ARRRRRR'.
SEAGOON:
(sings) On the road to Bombay where the cross eyed Haggis play down with the English Long Live Bruce hip hip hip hooooooooorayyyyyyyy.
ORCHESTRA:
WILD SCOTTISH APPROVAL. 'ARRRRR HOOTS AR THE NOO'.
GRAMS:
ROARS OF APPROVAL
HAIRY SCOT :
Seagoon the job is yours...
MORIARTY :
Stoppppppp! Ferme yackabaka le Pune!
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE
I second ....... let us have fair play, there is still one more brldge to be sung, my client the great French Financial Disaster has this to say
MORIARTY
(sings) Sur la' Ponggggg de Avignonnnnnnn, onye danser on y&j g~ danserrrrr da d serrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
HAIRY SCOT :
Och I must admit his bridge sounds longer.
SEAGOON:
I'll sing an extra bit on mine. (sings)
BOTH START A BATTLE OF SING.
GRAMS:
MIX TO GRAMS OF SEAGOON & MORIARTY SINGING A DUET. SOUND OF CRICKETS, AND A DISTANT OWL TO INDICATE NIGHT TIME.
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE
(over) All throu h the Steaming Porridge ridden night the two bridge builders extolle their plans in song... My Client with his powerful French Bridge against the Might of Seagoons, alas, towards dawn my Client weakened and.. .(Fade)
GRAMS:
TREE STARTS TO FALL. WITH ITS FALL MORIARTY'S VOICE RUNS DOWN AND STOPS AS THE TREE CRASHES TO THE GROUND.
MORIARTY :
Curse my weak ankles.
SEAGOON:
Hard luck Moriarty.
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE
Congratulations and hatred Ned. All's fair in love and war, let 3 supply you with the steel for the bridge.
SEACOON:
Have you any samples?
GRAMS:
LOAD OF OLD SCRAP POURED OUT
F.X.:
DITTO
MORIARTY :
And there's more where that came from Ned.
SEAGOON:
This looks remarkably like Tower Bridge.
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE
You'll get no rubbish from us Ned... here, sign the exclusive contract on this bomb...
F.X.:
HURRIED WRITING
GRAMS:
EXPLOSION
GRYTPYPE-THYNNE :
There! Nothing can revoke it - Moriarty? Unchain a fresh Ellington.
F.X.:
CHAINS
RAY :
Man, this is the worst contract I ever had.
RAY :
ELLINGTON MUSIC.
QUARTET (applause)
BILL:
That was Ray Ellihgton and his appliances, the applause was recorded by professional mourners. Now, strapped to the railway line at Paddington, I announce part two... The Bridge over the River -Tay, the Blasting Operation.
GRAMS:
BLASTING IN ROCK FACE. EXPLOSIONS ROAR OF LOOSE SHALE ETC. AVALANCHING DOWN CUFF. CRASHING INTO THE RIVER. SOUND OF HOT IRONS DIPPED INTO COLD WATER.
BLOODNOK
Ohh, thank heaven that's cleared it... ohhhh (calls) alright lads, it's clear you can come out.
MINNIE
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.
BLOODNOK
What's this black-dress hanging in a tree? What, what is it madam?
MINNIE
I was collecting seagull's eggs up the cliff, there was an explosion... Henery went up in the air and II Ooooooooooo.
F.X.:
VERY VERY HEAVY BODY FALLS TO THE GROUND
BLOODNOK:
Ohhh she's fainted, thank heavens the ground broke her fall. Let me open her handbag and let some of that heavy naughty money out.
F.X.:
COINS BEING COUNTED
BLOODNOK :
Ohhh dee dee deeeee... eight nine ten pence.
MINNIE :
Ohh, where am I?
BLOODNOK :
In debt my dear...
SEAGOON:
Major Bloodnok, why aren't you on the job?
BLOODNOK
This poor female egg-collector fainted from faint and has been struck down in the prime of her 89th year.
MINNIE :
Ohhhh, where's Renery?
SEAGOON:
Re's been buried alive under a thousand tons of earth.
MINNIE :
Thank heavens he's safe.
BLOODNOK
She doesn't look very well we must get her to a graveyard as soon as possible.
BILL:
Pardon me sir? It's part four.
SEAGOON:
We must hurry. Over to part four and meee!
GRAMS:
SEAGOON: Hello folks, it's me, now back to him.
SEAGOON:
Thank you me.
GRAMS:
SEAGOON: Thank me you too.
MACGOONIGAL :
(approaching) Oooooooooooooooooo!
SEAGOON:
What's this approaching wearing a transparent kilt?
MACGOONIGAL
That is a special kilt designed for patriotic Scottish Nudists. Tell me sir, is that the new bridge over the Tay.
SEAGOON:
Yes, made of solid leather, and due to be opened by Captain Webb who will swim it.
MACGOONIGAL
May I introduce myself, Sir, I am William J. Macgoonigal, poet tradegian and twitt, allow me to pen a verse of appreciation... let me get the feel of my tonesss.Ohhhhhh...
ORCHESTRA:
Ooooooooooooooo.
MACGOONIGAL
(continue calls and answers with the Orchestra) Oh, they're with me tonight.
F.X :
WRITING STARTS
MACGOONIGAL :
Oh beautiful new bridge over the silvery Tay,
Which has caused the Maharah of Pongistan to leave his home so far away,
Incognito in his dress,
And he will pass this way on his journey to Inverness.
SEAGOON:
Jolly good, now, I'll just put the bandage round your eyes (calls) Take aim!
MACGOON IGAL
Just a moment, sir. Underneath the bridge there will travel ships... I say, what's that cooking? (sniff, sniff) Oh chips.
GRAMS:
WHOOSH
F.X.:
TUBULAR BELLS HITS THE GROUND
SEAGOON:
He's dropped his Sporran.
PETER & SPIKE:
WOGS SINGING.
SEAGOON:
'El lo, 'ello, 'ello, what's this approaching? Three Ghee covered Hindus, with revolving knees and a touch of the Poona Krutt.
PANDIT BANERJEE
Hello Hello, man, I'm Pandit Banerjee, this is Doctor Tookrum and that is a Waziri Tribal Chief. (continues Hindu noises).
DR TOOKRUM
Hello Mister. I'm Banerjee, we are here shopping for Hindu Railways Incorporated. Pandit Nehru said 'Get out there Banerjee boy and get the European style bridge'. (continues Indian noises etc.)
SEAGOON:
Oh would you care to stay to dinner?
DR TOOKRUM:
Oh my goodness yes.
SEAGOON:
Blast. Unfortunately our dinner is at the menders.
PANDIT BANERJEE
A terrible blow, terrible blow. Never mind, I have here a real red-hot ball Curry and Chicken Vindalu!
BLOODNOK :
Curry! No! No! - that terrible burning the morning after. No!
RAY :
Ohhh Blimey! Bloodnok! you. So we meet again mate!
GRAMS:
EXPLOSION
BLOODNOK
Oh! It's the Red Bladder, my Mortal enemy from Ferozapore. Put that sword down - I can explain everything.
RAY:
(growls in rage) Ohhhhhhhhhh... You steal three wives from my Harem in 1923... me feel the pinch.
BLOODNOK
Oh! Don't worry Mullah they're all still in working order I'll go and get them from my country home... Taxi!
GRAMS:
TAXI ROARS OFF
BILL:
On the Morrow the first train was to pass (The night plotters were at work. Tittley ti toe Fe tanngg ),
GRAMS:
DISTANT OWL. OCCASIONAL CRICKET CHIRP. DISTANT CHURCH BELL CHIMES.
BLUEBOTTLE :
Pssssttttttt.
ECCLES:
What, whattttt. Who dats behind dat bush?
BLUEBOTTLE :
Black Hawk, demon bridge-destroyer.
ECCLES:
You got the dynamite?
BLUEBOTTLE :
Yes. Dis will cost you a pretty penny!
ECCLES:
I ain't got a pretty penny!
BLUEBOTTLE :
Well, two ugly ones will do then.
SEAGOON:
Oi! You two spotty herberts.
ECCLES:
Owwwww it's Ned, and he's got his hat on.
BLUEBOTTLE :
Hands up, Ned Man, dat does not frite us.
SEAGOON:
Blast! Give me that silly bit of twig.
BLUEBOTTLE:
Fool this twig contains a torch battery that releases a paralysing electric shock. Screngeee . . . it will go, touch the end and see.
SEAGOON:
There - ha ha!
GRAMS:
GREAT SHORT CIRCUIT ELECTRICITY FLASHING FROM POINT-TO-POINT. HARRY: (OVER THIS. YELLS LIKE MAD 'OWWWW HELPPPPPPPPPPP YEYEOWOWWW').
BLUEBOTTLE :
Cor, it's a good job it wasn't switched on.
ECCLES:
He's passed out... and it suits him.
BLUEBOTTLE :
Come Mad Dan, while it's dark we must saw down that bridge.
F.X.:
SAWING
BLUEBOTTLE :
Phew! Dis girder is tough.
RAY :
Man, dats my leg.
ECCLES:
Oh? Who are you den?
RAY :
I don't know, it's too dark to see.
BLUEBOTTLE :
'Ere you ever been married to Rita Hayworth?
RAY :
No.
BLUEBOTTLE :
It's alright Eccles, he's one of us.
RAY:
Me got 800 wives.
ECCLES:
You better sit down.
BLUEBOTTLE:
Come on, I set the dynamite to go off at dawn. He he he. I do feel mean Eccies.
ORCHESTRA:
LINKS
BILL:
Strapped down in a trough filled with sulphuric acid, I announce part six. The Denoue'ment at Dawn.
GRAMS:
VERY TATTY DISTANT BRASS BAND PLAYING APPROPRIATE BRIDGE OPENING MUSIC. TRAIN GOES PUFFING OFF. CHEERS OF CROWD. EXPLOSION OF DYNAMITE. GREAT CRASH AS BRIDGE FALLS INTO THE RIVER. HISSING OF STEAM RUBBLE ETC. GRADUALLY STOPS.
ECCLES:
Well, dats dat!
ORCHESTRA:
LONG SERIES OF TA RA CHORD - WITH CYMBAL SNAP INTO: 'OLD COMRADES MARCH' PLAYOUT.
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